AboutDianne Schwartz Expertise Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.
Experience Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.
Organizations Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.
Publications This book was reviewed by The Library Journal
Awards and Honors Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."
Expert: Dianne Schwartz Date: 2/18/2008 Subject: I don't know if I can keep doing this.
Question I am not sure how to start this. My husband and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. We have 2 kids together. 3 and almost 1. Since we have had children he has never helped out with the parenting. Though he is more then happy to help discipline. I am a stay at home mom by choice. Well, I got into a car accident on Thursday morning. I am ok and the car is still drivable. The accident could have been so worse. Well when I had the accident my 1st thought was that I was scared to tell my husband about the accident cause I knew he would be mad. When I finally did tell him, after he got off of work (he left his phone at home) he got really angry and started to kick stuff. He then went out side and kicked the car. This ended up breaking his big toe. No one had asked me if I was ok and no one had offered to take me to the ER. My mother in law hears that my husband is hurt and rushes over to make sure that he is ok and takes him to the ER. Turns out the toe is broken.
Well, apparently him breaking his toe is my fault. Because if I was a better driver then I wouldn't have had the accident and he wouldn't have kicked the car, breaking his toe.
I wont lie I am scared of him. He has pushed me around once while I was holding our youngest. He was really drunk. He has also thrown a giant Halloween bag of kit kats at my face. But that is all that has happened. He has an awful temper and he has started to blame me for his temper and lack of control of it. I have no money of my own and don't know what to do. I want to believe that he can get better but he wont take counseling cause he doesn't want someone telling him how he feels. Do you have any advice?
Answer Hi Angela,
Your husband needs to grow up! What a big baby.
It bothers me that something that could have hurt you, your first concern was his anger. That isn't right and it sure isn't normal. You should have been cared for and worried about rather than some stupid car. Material things can be fixed or replaced but a life cannot.
My main concern is your children. By watching their father and his childish temper tantrums and by making you fear him, is setting the example of 1.) How to treat women and 2.) How to be treated by the opposite sex.
Your husband's behavior is learned. Abusers learn by watching others abuse or be abused. Work, stress, car accidents are not the problem. He controls you with his anger and domestic abuse is all about control.
I would strongly suggest that you call your local shelter and talk to a volunteer. You might be able to be a part of a support group where you will be validated and held up with strength. You need that right now. The shelter can tell you how to plan how to safely leave if that is your ultimate decision.
Angela, do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Waiting for the other shoe to drop, walking on eggshells, subjecting your children to this? Unless this man gets counseling, nothing is going to change so I would give him an ultimatum...get help or you're leaving and then...carry through on your promise. If you back down, it will only become worse.
Read The Verbally Abusive Relationship and also you can order my book on Amazon. You need to understand exactly what you're doing to your future as well as your children's. It's important.
I wish you the very best and I hope you will be strong and do what is right.
