AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Expert: Annie Kaszina Date: 2/17/2008 Subject: live in after divorce & bought house as partners
Question I am a fool. I divorced my husband and then on taking a real estate course thought we could flip houses together, he's a carpenter, I though we were not married anymore so he would change. No marital pressure. He did not. Now I find myself needing to leave the house we bought together; but If I leave I will have to give away all my furniture or put it into storage. I'm trying to sell it currently. I will also suffer a penalty by not staying in the house for a 2 year period as promised as a co-borrower. I am so depressed I think I need to give away to Goodwill all that I have except my bedroom set. That way I can rent a cheap room and still make my half of the mortgage payment till June, when we can sell at no risk; just not get any equity in todays market potentially.
He slapped a plate out of my hand today. This is the second time he's gotten in my face since I stopped sleeping with him. He is terribly mentally abusive and emotionally abusive. We have been together 12 years until months ago when I became disabled in my spine and gained allot of weight from a hysto. It told him that was why I didn't want to have sex anymore but it fell on deaf ears. He is coming close to being physically abuse as he has hit me in the face with a cigarette pack when we were married in 2003. I called the police on him then and I called the police on him this time for the plate slapping incident. I feel so foolish for trying to forgive him and love him. I have never in my life been so disrespected and abused mentally and emotionally. This was his 5th marriage and my first. I still stand up to him but I'm starting to feel he is losing it in a violent way due to the pressure he is under. He seems to think he can use me for a emotional punching bag with constant put downs and down right insults when he is having a mood swing. I used to comment that he acts like a woman on pms. I defend myself yet my mother and sister, who were abused themselves, seem to focus on his situation rather than that he is abusing me; leaving me feeling no support. They focus on the fact that his daughter is on drugs and left him with her 10 month old baby girl. I love the child and do what I can to help him but It seems anything I contribute to support him he still goes on a search and destroy mission towards me. I can clean up the house and he'll find something that wasn't done right and we are off and running. I am retired, disabled and have a problem with stress to boot. I tell him what I need but he ignores my needs and expects me to rollover to his abuse. If it is fair I adjust my behavior but it is something that is an attack on my character or self esteem I fight back. I need to know how to get out of this predicament because the bank has my behind till June, at which time we can sell,or he refi's or assumes the loan. He is so controlling that he won't make me privy to what he wants to do currently after stating he he wants the house. I feel so stuck. The only control I have is in June when he will have to sell per our contract if he has not done a refi or assumed the loan. I can't afford to pay for two places. I need to know whether I should file a restraining or not. If I do he will have to drive 30 miles to come to work from Seattle to drop of the baby off at the sitters and go to work in the town where we jointly own our house. He made his own bed but I don't want to put anymore hardship on him; the baby may suffer in the long run. I'm open to whatever you have to offer. If feels great to talk to someone who is non judgemental. Thanks
Miserable and ready for this nightmare to end!
Answer Hi Victoria,
Here's the thing: this nightmare won't end until you end it. It's that simple.
Your marriage ended and you made assumptions that he would be different. He wasn't. Why would he have been?
You need to know whether you should file a retraining order or not. If you do he will have to drive 30 miles to drop off the baby and the baby may suffer. The baby may well suffer because she has been born into a toxic family - which is something you can't change.
However, focusing on everyone else's needs and possible distress is not helping you at all, is it?
What I hear is that you are still expressing yourself in 'victim speak'. For as long as you do that you will continue to place responsibility for your happiness and well being in the hands of another person, specifically another person whose only interest is in keeping you unhappy and disempowered.
It's not for me to tell you what to do. You already know what doesn't work. Are you going to keep doing that, or are you prepared to take responsibility for your own happiness, even if that means leaving him to address his own issues.
