AboutSusan Blocker Expertise My name is Susan Blocker. I am 45 years old, born with a physical disabillity I am SURVIVOR of Physical, Sexual, Verbal, Emotional and Economical abuse. During the past 11 years via my website "Climbing Out Of The Spiral" I have provided a myriad of online support and counseling services to survivors and victims of abuse worldwide.
My knowledge stems from my own personal experiences with childhood abuse and domestic violence. Through my own experience with abuse I've learned many valuable lessons that I am able to pass on to those in need of guidance and support, so that they may begin their "Climb Out Of The Spiral".
Experience My greatest accomplishment is surviving thirty years of abuse and having the strength to uphold my emotional fortitude so that I can pass my experience on to other survivors of abuse. I am creative founder of a website dedicated to promoting abuse awareness and prevention. Climbing Out Of The Spiral has provided abuse support and counseling services to victims and survivors of abuse world wide since December 7, 1996. Climbing Out Of The Spiral is my most precious achievement.
Expert: Susan Blocker Date: 2/14/2008 Subject: Should I stay, leave, try counseling
Question I have been married for 17 years with 2 children (10 and 6).
About 7 years ago my husband gave me a black eye. I left for a little while and went back.
6 years ago and until last year he has been cheating. During the rest of time we have had our ups and downs. Traveling and lavish gifts is how he says he is sorry. Since he did not want to do counseling I went got it twice. I tried all the techniques and none of them were effective.
He has been working out of town and coming home on the weekends for 3 years.
Jan he physically attacked me and now I am trying to figure out what to do. My children witnessed it. I feel humiliated and ashamed. So I have asked him not to come the house (we both own). He came one day unannounced and would not leave a few times.
Should I stay at the house and get an injunction for him not to come to the house (I think he has the house bugged)? Should I just get an apartment for the children and I? Should I get a divorce or separation? Just confused. I have asked him for a divorce and he says no. I asked him for a separation and he says no. Now he is trying to be my nice guy and lavish me with gifts. I know this will only last so long.
He finally agreed to see a counselor. But now I have given up on him and I. I am getting counseling for myself but I am not interested in helping the relationship. I am trying to figure out will counseling really help the relationship.
Answer Hello:
I thank you for your inquiry. I am, sorry for the situation that you are experiencing with your husband. In answering your question I suggest that you take action by doing what "YOU" feel is best for you and your children.
When making that decision keep in mind "YOU" are NOT responsible for your husbands actions or his abuse towards you. "YOU" can NOT change his behavior or personality. He is responsible for himself and his behavior.
He has to come to a realization that he has/is showing signs of becoming physically abusive towards you. He has to take action and "WANT" to make positive change for himself and his family.
In an abusive situation sitting around "WAITING" for your spouse to change his personality and or stop his abuse should NOT be an option, especially when there are children involved.
IF you feel that your life and the life of your children are in immediate danger first dial 911 then take neccessary action to remove yourself from the situation.
Counseling is a possitive step however he has to want to participate. If he's still in denial "YOU" have to make decisions based on what you feel is right for you and your children.
In my personal oppinion regarding the "Safety" of you and your children would be to find a place of your own for you and the children. This would give your husband a chance to take responsibillity and do what he needs to do for himself to help control "his" abusive behavior.
You are 100% correct in stating that you realize his moods of niceness wont last for long. In most abusive relationships therre is a period known as the "Honeymoon Stage".
It's a temporary phase that abusers go through when they are afraid of losing their spouse, companion, partner after an abusive episode has occurred. The Honeymoon stage is their way of regaining control over the victim. Don't get caught up in the Honeymoon stage because it's temporary.
I do hope that I have been of assistance to you. Remember whatever decision you make keep the safety op "YOU" and your children at the forefront.
