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About Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Expertise
I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive
Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself;
BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.
Experience
I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > Domestic Violence Hurting My Son and I
Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Date: 3/7/2008
Subject: Domestic Violence Hurting My Son and I
Question
I am going to try to explain this without alot of my side only. I am in a relationship where it started out good. It then went to physical violence, where he would choke, punch and finally I landed in the hospital. I have been married to him for 7 years, and 2 children from previous marriage. My husband is a truckdriver and gone for long periods of time. Now, when he calls and says he is coming home, I go off the deep end. I cry, get moody, and hate to hear him walk through the door. I mean that. Nothing makes me more ill than when he calls and says he is coming home. We don't share the same bed, and I have my reasons for that. I left a good paying job in Sept of last year, he was always running down my job, calling my job, and it was a fight when I had to go to work. I worked for the railroad and to him I was having affairs, which I never did. He has record a mile long for terrorist threats, threatens to put my sons in body bags if I leave. He runs us down all the time, and we are his servants when he comes home. We have to do everything while he sits and barks out orders and calls us lazy. We live in trailer park and he will get out in the road and call me all kinds of names, and yell how lazy and disrespectful we are. He has even started abusing my animals. He does not allow me to have friends, and every time I go apply for work, he is like you will not make it, don't count on it, you are a failure. I will give you example, I have gained weight and I admit it. We were in a grocery store, and he walked up to this elderly heavy lady, and said excuse me, I thought you was my wife. He points out all my flaws. He makes it a point to make sure my sons and I know who is making the money. Even when I filed my income tax, he said I should let him file on my sons because he is the biggest money maker. He adjusts his laziness with the fact, he pays bills, so he should have to do nothing when he comes home as he is the one who should be waited on. His family reinforces this type of behavior. His mom says if he hits me, then do more for him. I should wait on him hand and foot. I already do all the work, the yard work, take care of the trailer and the animals, and guess what? It still isn't good enough. Now, he is in trouble with his drivers license, (cdl), and is fixing on being suspended for 4 months. I can't even think about him being home everyday. I will tell you that I purchased 2 properties. I was injured and got a settlement, not much, but enough to purchase the place I am living in and the one I am having remodeled. The whole time he said he would never invest a dime in either place. Okay, so the other place is about done, and guess what? He says he is going to take that one away from me. 13,000 I put in the place, and he is going to take it away. Now, you are probably wondering why I haven't left. Oh, I am looking for places, trying to get a job, and I mean that. I am suffering with depression bad, and most days, I don't even wish to get out of bed. But, I would rather not wake up if I have to wake up to his face everyday. Nobody wants to let me buy a home as I don't have a job. I have enough for a big down payment on something else. I just have to get job first. Frankly, I don't see why I should have to turn over the property I worked hard for. I feel like selling it and answering for the consequences later, if any. I have receipts for all I have put into that home, not him. But that is the way it goes. If something good happens, he was the one who accomplished it. If something bad happens, I did it. I made him get the speeding tickets, never does he say he done anything wrong. Matter of fact, he makes joke, how he blames things on me, and people believe him. Why is it that I look like the bad one here? Can you shed some light on this?
Answer
Cindy,
Thank you for taking the time out to contact me with your concerns. I do apologize for the delay in my response time getting back to you. Cindy, you are in a horrible situation, but guess what? You are the only one who can turn your life around and make a better life for you and your children. You sat there and you contacted me, but yet you still do not know what to do? He is abusing you and your children and you still have to ask questions? There is no way that I would tolerate that. I became strong through adversity and I am still alive and well to stand up and tell my story to anyone who may want to listen.
I realize that you are married with a family, but do you really think that this is the best life that you can give yourself and your children? Your children are going to grow up with their own emotional issues as a result of the situation that you are putting them in. You have to make a decision on whether or not you want to continue with this tumultuous relationship. Of course, if it were me, I would have been out of there the first time that he even raised a hand to me. You need to develop a backbone and find the strength to stand up to him and to find somewhere else to go with your children.
This is not calculus Cindy, decide on whether or not you want to remain in this abusive relationship with the possibility of your husband killing you and/or your children? Kidnap a clue sweetie and when you do, find the courage to move on and do better the next time around. The most important thing right now is your children, they must come first. I wish you and your family well. Please take care.
All My Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
AllExperts.com
"Strong people cannot be defeated."
~Danielle Steel
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