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About Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Expertise
I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive
Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself;
BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.
Experience
I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.
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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > Does He Mean It?
Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Date: 4/6/2008
Subject: Does He Mean It?
Question
My husband of 17months has always threatened to divorce me, and take our little girl with him and that i'd never see them again cause he would take her back to his country and I'd never be able to find them. She is only 5 months old. Last night he came home from being out with his friends, I said I was thinking about taking the kids out to get something to ear as they hadn't had their tea (I have 3 children from my previous marriage which I left as it was abusive verbally and emotionally) and he raises his voice telling me we were going to do it tommorrow, so I ask him why he has to talk to me that way ( he'll talk to me like it no matter if the kids are watching or his friends are here, He won't do it in front of my friends or family, bu he won't be around when there here either.) Then he just blows up saying he can't stand it anymore, I ask him what and he just says "all this" meaning living here in england away from his family not doing the things he wants to do, having to go to work, and live in a small house. He then goes on about the holiday, he wants to go back to his country for 2 weeks, but my 3 can't go he expects me to get someone to look after them, while we go(him, me and our daughter) which I don't feel happy about. He has given me till next week to get something sorted, otherwise he will book a flight for himself and go on his own, and then in sept he will be going again but with our daughter and it'll be forever.. I asked him what he meant by FOREVER and he told me to look in the dictionary if I didn't know what it meant. I said to him hes not taking her on his own and he just tells me "wait and see, you just wait and see" and he also informed me that I would never ever find them. He also tells me he never thought he would feel this way and that he only has a few more lights to go out and he'll be gone.I am worried he will try to take her, I asked him the other day when he was going to take the test he needs to sit to get indefinate leave to remain, as his visa exp in Nov, I said he needed to be applying for his ILTR mid sept and he just said I'll be at home then, and never gave me an answer about taking the test. He has threatened to kill me and my 3 if anything happens to his daughter (twice), he is always angry and will say he's talking when he's actually shouting.He swears at me even in front of the kids, calls us stupid and crazy, and even told me he couldn't believe he wouldn't be having anymore children with me cause I have no time for his daughter, (I don't do anything else except look ater my 4 and do housework, shopping an pay bills)Do you think he would take her,would someone say these things if they really loved you.I keep trying to understand him, and do all I can to try and please him. Is there anything I can do that will help him be happier, and build his self esteem.
Answer
Tracy,
Hello again. I am currently taking some personal time away from AllExperts and I do apologize for any inconvenience for my not getting back with you.
First, I must say that this seems to be another doomed relationship for you, and why did you have another baby with another husband when you already had three children? That does not make any sense to me; it's ridiculous. You contacted me for advice so I am going to tell you how I feel and how I feel you should handle this. You have children to think about and it's selfish of you not to consider their needs before yours; they must come first. You made the decision to have en excessive amount of children, so you have to live with the consequences of that. I think that you are so desperate for love and attention that you are willing to accept the worse and settle for very little just to have someone, which needs to stop. You are in your second marriage which will probably end in divorce. I would suggest that you seek out a lawyer so that you can still retain custody of the child that you have with this husband. If you really want a divorce, then you need to file for it yourself and go from there. If you want to stay with this man, then that is your decision and how you choose to deal with that is left up to you. I do not condone any kind of abuse in relationships and your husband does not seem to be a great catch anyway. You need to wake-up and realize what is in front of you and focus on yourself and improving your life along with making a better life for you and your children, but it starts with you. I wish you well and hope that you make the best decision for you and your family. Take care.
All My Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
AllExperts.com
"Strong people cannot be defeated."
~Danielle Steel
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