AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Expert: Annie Kaszina Date: 4/21/2008 Subject: getting the courage to leave
Question I just read a question/response from a woman who was in my same situation. I am in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship. He "erupts" out of the blue - not as often now as he use to but still way too much. He is also cold and distant. Frigid. He is hateful and vengeful. He has threatened to kill me before and he threatened to kill a tresspasser on our property riding ATVs (that is all there is to do out here) - in front of both me and his 12 year old son. I am very isolated - 30 miles from the nearest city, I work at home and he works 50 miles away. He does not take care of me in any way shape or form, but for some reason I have not left... yet. I am in the process of leaving now, just need an extra added "you can do it girl" from someone, anyone. I want so much more out of life and he is just not capable of loving me the way I should be loved - although of note, he says he loves me. I have been on a roller coaster for the last 2 years and I want off. Like her story, my husband is now also in a "nice" mode but he needs me now because he is going into the hospital and needs my insurance coverage. I am planning on moving out while he is in the hospital and I keep having these twinges of guilt, that I should not be taking advantage of the situation, although if truth be known, he deserves this and I have to take advantage of the situation with him being gone to pack up and leave. He is having a scheduled surgery and will be in the hospital for 3-4 days. Please send me any encouragement you can.
Answer Hi Kim,
What's the worst thing about leaving when he is in hospital? Are you betraying him? Are you kicking the man when he is down?
If you had found another way of leaving, I'm sure you would already have done so. But you haven't.
And here's the thing: when someone threatens to kill you, that's a very good reason for getting out any way you can. Because abusive men do kill their partners. You have to believe it. Nor is it helpful for your 12 year old son to witness what he has had to witness in your current 'home'. Not if you want him to grow up to be a decent, loving adult, that is.
There's something I'd like to share with you: your partner will survive beautifully. Of course, that is not what he would want you to know. If he can contact you he will tell you how much he loves you (for now) and how his life is empty without you (was yours ever full with him?) and he may cry or get angry (or both alternately) ... But you know what? He will take it in his stride much faster than you do. Because you really have cared about him.
It may be that the first little while after you've left, things might be a little rocky for you, because you doubt yourself. But, hey, you're pretty used to rocky, living with that man.
On the other hand, you may start to really enjoy life once you realize you can get up in the morning without being verbally abused and go to bed without being verbally abused. You'll discover you can cook the dinner, or not, tidy the house, or not, dress up or slob about in old pyjamas looking your absolute worst, and there will be nobody there to abuse you. So many new freedoms in your day. Most women are surprised how much they love being free of their abusive partner. I'm guessing you will be surprised too.
Just make sure that you have somewhere safe to go to and beware of dialogue with him. Once you have left, he will be very, very angry with you (even if he denies it) and you could be inclined to believe his promises that he will change. He won't. They all promise and none of them ever deliver. They just want their playpen back the way they like it.
