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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > domestic violence
Expert: Dianne Schwartz
Date: 4/6/2008
Subject: domestic violence
Question
"Hi
I need some advice. I have been married for 17 years. Until recently my husband and I got on reasonably well. Then a few years ago he started to drink. His drinking was heavy and bordering on alcoholism. He would become verbally abusive towards me. He would make me feel low about myself and I would spend many evenings crying.
I did not leave him, but went to an alcohol advisery service to get ideas and keep my sanity. This did work and he reduced his alcohol drinking. Any way things started to go down hill. He kept saying he didnt love me or that I was too unfit and did not want sex with me.I enjoy that part of a relationship and found the lack of affection and sex distressing. In the end we came to a decision to have sex once a week and that he would not drink on that night. However, this did not always work out. He would drink and say he was too tired. In the end I shouted at him and tried to get him to at least hug or kiss me good night.I would try to make him hug me and annoy him by my pleads or trying to hug him in desperation.. This resorted in him jumping out of bed and kicking me in the head or back. One time I only asked for a kiss and he grabbed my hair and pulled me towards him. I feel that these incidences have been caused by myself and I am so upset about it. The final straw came 3 weeks ago when we had had a lovely
day out. We came home and were sitting in the lounge having a drink.I started to have a go about my family and how I never see them. He has issues with this. I got stroppy and made a nasty comment about his family which at this point he smashed a glass of wine over my head.He walked away and ignored my pleas for help saying to one of my sons that I was hysterical again. This resulted me having to go to hospital by myself. The police became involved. I had not intended for police involvement and refused to have my husband charged. He was still taken down to the police station. He has not been charged on the condition that he goes on a perpatrators course.Now I am confused. I do not feel it is domestic abuse as I am no wall flower and argue back.The slappings and kickings are instigated by me and he even says that I said I enjoy them. I asked him why he kicked me and he said he did it to punish m. I am not frightened of my husband and most times he can be a reasonable and kind man. He says I am the one with the temper and love to argue. My Mother and sister who I have c
onfided in say I should seperate and things may get worse. My mother in law thinks it is both our faults and I should get on with my marriage and accept my husband finds it difficult to express his emotions. I myself am confused. 3 weeks ago I was ready to leave. I felt betrayed and hurt. Now I just want to forget about it and move on. However I cant get it out of my mind. I do love my husband. Do you think this perpatrators course will help? He eventually said sorry to me for the incident. Is this abuse as I feel I am to blame as I incite it? As u can see I am totally confused."
Answer
Hi Clare,
What are you being punished for? Trust me, he's punishing you for something whether it's real or perceived in his mind.
What are you getting out of this marriage? It has to be something even if it's negative or you wouldn't be there. What is the pay off for living like this?
Why do you feel bad about the police being involved? What he did is against the law, you know. Or do you know it? Hitting, kicking, pulling hair, etc. is against the law.
Normal men don't get upset or deny a woman wanting and needing sex. He either has a medical problem and is trying to blame you for it or he's simply a very selfish man who doesn't care if your needs are met. I would stop asking and just ignore him because he's using it against you.
So, your mother in law says your husband, her son, has trouble expressing his emotions. Gosh, I think he's doing pretty darn good with it by assaulting you. Why would she accept that he's an abuser since she raised him?
You need to find a good counselor that deals in domestic violence (call your local shelter and ask for a name) but more important, what in the world are you doing to your children by living like this? You are setting an example of what a wife accepts and doesn't accept. It will ruin their lives and they don't deserve this! They are the true victims here.
Let's examine the word confused. You are being conned by him and you are conning yourself and this has fused you to him. The man is a loser and he's taking you down with him. You aren't confused, you just aren't listening to your inner voice that is telling you to get out of this very sick marriage. That's why you don't know what to do because you have chosen to live like this instead of listening to your soul that will never, ever lie to you.
Do I think this class will help him? No. He might learn to stop or he'll get thrown in jail but they don't get to the root of the real problem. Expect to continue to live like this forever. Is this what you really want?
You say that you really love him but honestly Clare, it is impossible to love someone who refuses to have sex or hold you and physically abuses you. You are just trying to prove yourself to him and it will never get his approval.
I think you have some very serious questions to ask yourself. It's that or continue to live in this nightmare. It isn't going to change so you have to change. The fear of the unknown will keep you prisoner to a sick lifestyle.
I think you need to order my book and read it with an open heart. You will see yourself in my words.
I wish you the best and I hope you make the right choice.
Dianne
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