AboutDianne Schwartz Expertise Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.
Experience Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.
Organizations Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.
Publications This book was reviewed by The Library Journal
Awards and Honors Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."
Expert: Dianne Schwartz Date: 4/30/2008 Subject: I doubt the severity of my situation
Question I will have been married four years in June. We have a 3 1/2 year old son. I am planning to separate from my husband. I have seen a lawyer and also have found an apartment for myself and son. My husband and I have seen four marriage counselors and over time our marriage has deteriorated. I finally sought out a counselor of my own because I didn't understand why our marriage was failing. I explained to him what was occurring in our marriage and he defined it as Domestic Violence. The last marriage counselor we saw also defined it as Domestic Violence. The only problem is that I have an incredible time with self doubt.
I express to my husband that his behavior frightens me and he says I am over reacting. I express how uncomfortable I feel when he does x..and he says that I think everything is domestic violence. I tell him that when he does x, it makes me nervous. He says the same sort of thing. He was advised to seek anger management, but instead sought out a Christian Counselor. He is convinced that his behavior is provoked by me. When I try to talk to him about separation, he threatens to take my son from me. Until a few weeks ago, I believed he could.
Two incidents that convinced me something was terribly wrong was an incident when he attempted to pass a horse and buggy on a back road. He didn't try to drive around it (on the side of the road) but went right down the middle (w/o slowing down) with a line of 5 cars coming in the opposite direction. He passed the horse and buggy on the yellow line and a line of cars next to him. I was shocked and got emotionally upset. I said that I couldn't believe he would do that. I said I was upset that he would do that with me and our son in the car and that he put us in danger, not to mention the horse and buggy. He was livid that I would imply that he put us in danger. As we argued, I became more hysterical and he then swerved the car toward a telephone pole and said "if I wanted to hit something I would." We got to our destination (his parents home) and I refused to get back in the car again until it was time to drive home. I believe I drove home that night.
On another occasion, I became sick with a very bad virus...in fact all three of us had it...but I got it the worse. I waited it out for 3-4 days (as recommended by my son's physician) and also tried to get a doctors appointment but couldn't. By the end of one evening I told my husband that I needed to go to the er. He would not take me and tried to block me from leaving. I became hysterical (again) and after a period of time he drove me, dropped me off and left. To be honest, I didn't want him near me.
He has punched holes in walls and broken a window. When he gets mad, he slams doors and kicks things...
I think I have self doubt because for the longest time I just took it...never answered back. In the past year I have begun what I thought was standing up for myself and it got worse. He has never hit me, but did threaten my life.
I am not sure why I struggle with self doubt other than when these arguments and incidents occur I do not "respond" in a mature way ..I get very upset, cry get angry and I am sure I say things I wish I didn't. My husband says that I am equally responsible. I do not intentionally provoke him, but something in the way I communicate frustrates him to the limit. Especially when I get upset.
Can you offer any advice.
Answer Dear Anna,
You are doing what most abused women do--minimize the abuse. If we don't have bruises, we aren't abused. If we don't bleed, we aren't abused. If we don't have broken bones, we aren't abused. Add to that, the abuser telling us we have exaggerated what he's done.
These men will never own up to their actions and always transfer the blame to their victims. They don't own up to anything because in their minds, they are right in doing what they do. They are right about every single thing. It must be nice, huh?
Who would "respond in a mature way" when their life is being threatened. What are you supposed to do, remain calm and never react? That isn't normal. We have a fight or flight response built into our bodies.
He's a control freak, Anna. Domestic violence is about control. And, trust me on this, he will soon be hitting you. He's building up to it and by you staying with him, you have shown him that his behavior is okay. We might say we want to leave but we stay and they look at our actions, not our words.
His counselor sucks. Sorry but it's true. Women do NOT provoke abuse. If he was married to another woman he'd be abusing her just like he's abusing you. And...he's not going to change or stop and anger management does nothing for abusers. Statistics prove that.
Your precious son is going to learn how to be an abuser if you don't get out and stay out. Abuse is a learned behavior. You don't want him around this man and you sure don't want to see him become like him when he's older. His little soul is dependent on you to protect it from this type of harm. I'd question ever letting your husband have visitation until he's seen a dv counselor for a long time.
This isn't about you or what you've done wrong. It's about what has been done to you and why you need to leave and stay gone...forever. He's a loser and always will be and don't listen to any of his guilt trips, excuses or blaming. It's best if you don't even talk to them because they are mind manipulators and know how to suck you back in.
I hope this helps and if you need anymore advice feel free to email me at whose_face@yahoo.com
Stay strong, follow through with the divorce and never look back. I wish the best for you and your son.
