AboutSusan Blocker Expertise My name is Susan Blocker. I am 45 years old, born with a physical disabillity I am SURVIVOR of Physical, Sexual, Verbal, Emotional and Economical abuse. During the past 11 years via my website "Climbing Out Of The Spiral" I have provided a myriad of online support and counseling services to survivors and victims of abuse worldwide.
My knowledge stems from my own personal experiences with childhood abuse and domestic violence. Through my own experience with abuse I've learned many valuable lessons that I am able to pass on to those in need of guidance and support, so that they may begin their "Climb Out Of The Spiral".
Experience My greatest accomplishment is surviving thirty years of abuse and having the strength to uphold my emotional fortitude so that I can pass my experience on to other survivors of abuse. I am creative founder of a website dedicated to promoting abuse awareness and prevention. Climbing Out Of The Spiral has provided abuse support and counseling services to victims and survivors of abuse world wide since December 7, 1996. Climbing Out Of The Spiral is my most precious achievement.
Expert: Susan Blocker Date: 5/13/2008 Subject: Am I in denial about this relationship!?
Question I recently moved away from from home town to go to school far from home. I
come from a very loving and supportive family and friends. I have been with
my boyfriend for almost 6 months now, and I will try and explain my
concerns. In the begining, it was perfect. I thought I had found my match,
and lots of calls lots of touchy-feely, which I never mind, but everything
turned werid.
Him and his friends, who I also hang out with regualry are can be offensive
and joke around ALOT. But it started to turn to, ME being the joke or atleast
that is the way it makes me feel. Everytime I talk to him about him hurting my
feelings he laughs in my face, and tells me he is joking and would never really
mean it. He has never had a problem with my friends, or me going out with
friends. Everytime I have a problem, he laughs it off. I feel like he gives his
and our friends more respect than he gives me.
Ok, what is this one!? He gets mad at me when I dont pick up my shit fast
enough or put his shit away or clean up but if anyone else leaves a mess he
says nothing. I ask why, his responce.." Becuase I expect more from you..."
Sex used to be anytime of day, fun and loving. Lately, when I sleep over he
just wanted to have sex right in the morning, or late at night. Its always when
HE wants to have it. "We live close but he tells me to go home some nights,
because he likes to sleep alone as our friend, who is a girl, sleeps on the
couch. I don't think they would hook up or anything but, is that odd!?
I see him everyday almost for the main reason that i really enjoy his company
and he is close, I really care about him, and I am a very high emotion person,
but Im not crazy. Because I see him so often I feel like maybe he needs his
space, is he just a mean little boy teenager, or am i really in a bad place? I
just need my mind to settle, just so my heart can rest...please help.
Answer Hello Joanna:
I thank you for your inquiry. Hmmmmmmm after reading your e-mail for me it's plain to see that NO there's nothing at all wrong with you and YES your boyfriend does have a problem. He's showing all the classic beginning signs of being an abusive person. The way he is treating you is a form of manipulation and control.
By poking fun at you, minimizing your concerns, deciding when you and him will have intimacy, badgering you about how you do not do things fast enough or the way he expects you too and by him not taking responsibility for hurting your feelings Joanna everything you've mentioned in your e-mail is a form of control and emotional abuse and in time this type of abuse will/may lower your self-esteem making you feel powerless against his demands which in turn will give him more power and control over your LIFE and "YOU".
To answer your question Joanna Your boyfriend is showing tell tail signs of being CONTROLLING and an EMOTIONAL abuser. YES you are in a bad place Joanna and you should/need to pay attention to the pre-warning signs.
What also concerns me is the fact that you are so far away from your family, friends and your hometown. One of the first things that most ALL abusers try to do is isolate their victims from family and friends. Isolation gives them more control over their victims.
You mentioned that you are close to your family Do Not be afraid to inform family members and close friends of your concerns. I gather you Do Not live with your boyfriend in your situation that's a good thing because you can/should give yourself space from him. If your boyfriend truly loved, respected and cared for you Joanna he would not treat you the way he does. REAL love Does Not intentionally cause hurt.
I gather that you are a young woman, Do Not be afraid to take time and mingle, get to know other young men. Do Not allow yourself to settle for a man who consistently causes you emotional pain. Most important keep in mind as time goes the abuse will/may increase and or turn into sexual or physical abuse.
You took the first BIG step in realizing there is a problem with the relationship that you share with your boyfriend. Joanna please take heed to these early warning signs and take the next BIG step, do what you need to do to distance yourself from this type of relationship. There is nothing at all with loving and caring for someone. BUT sometimes in order to protect ourselves we sometimes might have to love and care for certain people at a "SAFE DISTANCE". REMEMBER true love and care will NOT intentionally hurt or degrade your character.
Joanna For additional support I also encourage you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
