AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Expert: Annie Kaszina Date: 5/26/2008 Subject: Is there hope?
Question QUESTION: My husband recently went to jail and now faces court for knocking me to the ground and giving me a black eye. He says its all my fault. Anyway, is there any hope that we can get real help and have a happy successful marriage? I have had the happiest times of my life with him... and the worst too. i love him, though, with all my heart.
ANSWER: Hi Cathy,
Well, I don't want to rain on your parade, but the short answer is that it is most unlikely that you can have a happy, successful marriage.
Why do I say that?
Because he struck you quite violently and he blames it on you. For as long as he fails to take responsibility for his own actions and reactions, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. And nor do you. You can only look forward to the violence escalating because, unfortunately, that is what it does.
As regards the two of you getting help, I'd say that you could do with help to recover from the trauma of domestic violence, if that is what you intend to do. But the help that is primarily needed is for him.
This is something that he has to do for himself, by himself. You cannot help him. If you try,you will just end up carrying him and being subjected to more violence. If he is not prepared to do that work for himself - and by himself, by which I mean separately and independently of you - it won't happen.
The truth is that even if he says he will do the work, many abusive men start, few bother to keep going with it. He might just be able to change, but the odds are stacked against him doing so.
I hear that you feel that you love him. My guess is that you love the good parts and feel decidedly less loving towards the violent, aggressive aspects of him. Unfortunately they are every bit as much a part of him as the 'nice' bits, probably more so. Violent and abusive men get worse and worse with time. That is an unwritten law.
I wish I had something more cheering to say to you, but there isn't anything. In the end, the kindest thing I can do is tell it like it is, that way you need not waste any more years of your life hoping for something you can never have.
Warm wishes,
Annie
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you Annie. Unfortunately, I have been told this before. I guess I am just a hopeless romantic. I do love him and he is kind, loving, giving, smart, talented....but no, he "didnt do this" according to him. I DID.Here are emails that he sent me and I sent him.
my email to Jim
Hi. I just wanted to write you and tell you "Nite".....certainly not much I see "Good" about it. I miss our long talks...where we each share our thoughts and we each listen. When you talk like that, noone is right or wrong...you are just sharing your heart.... Most of the time, that is the approach I have tried to take with you. You are my husband and I am your wife, and my desire as long as we have been together has been for you to share your heart, your feelings, your life with me..and for me to be able to share my heart, my feelings, my life with you. What you have been through in your life, is, of course, not my fault. And, what I have been through in my life is, of course, not your fault. And I shared my things with you, not to be used against me, but to be transparent with you, the man who said he loved me with all his heart. I told you things I would never share with anyone else. Every bit of it was the truth. and I beli eved you when you said that you would protect me and keep me safe and that noone should treat their wife like that. I could tell you everything and you would understand me or, even if you didn't agree or understand, you listened, respected, and loved me anyway. I always have enjoyed your viewpoint...because I love you. We could talk about things..just about anything, and it was just a discussion. I have always enjoyed long talks with you....like that night at my house on the couch in Springville....we talked about so many things....Anyway, we have talked like that many times. I just don't know why it had to stop. We wouldn't be here now, if we had continued that. Remember the long talks at Shoney's?...remember? Even everyone around us noticed it was such a novel thing...hmmm...people talking and listening, really listening to each other. We promised we would protect that. That was a gift the Lord gave us. If, at any time, I have been an ungodly wife, unpleasing to the Lord, I apologize and ask forgiveness from you and from Him. My heart motive has always been to be all to you that a Godly wife could be. Never have I had any other intention. Never. I wanted to make you happier than you ever thought you could be. To love you and please you in all ways. And I wanted to be protected and loved and cared for......"There are no words that could ever really express the depth and strength of my love for you----only Christ knows the meaning and value of this love. And I pray that in all our days together that Christ may enable me to love you with His love----- to be to you all that a Godly husband should be. I cherish and adore you with all my heart can know and feel, and above all, I thank our Lord for this love He has given us. I offer myself to you for Him, and to Him for you---- and when I have finished my course in this life, may it be known by you both how much I h a ve loved each of you. My heart belongs forever to you." Those are your words to me. No one forced you to write them. I also believe what you said...that if you tell the Lord you will serve Him and sell out, then you better be ready...because He will take you thru it. Just as I believe that you were sincere and speaking from your heart when you wrote those words. I will always believe that we were meant to be together, to stay together, to serve the Lord ministering to others(especially couples in crisis). And I have to say that it was clear there would be much tribulation. You told me once that you were sorry for not being more supportive and that you would make a real effort to be supportive and that you would stop your "wishy-washy ways." I obviously have failed or we wouldnt be here, but I truly have tried to always be supportive of you, even if I didn't particularly agree. I have trusted that the Lord would honor that. I did think that you w ou ld always listen and consider my thoughts, my words, knowing , of course that your decisions would stand. I know I have pushed to try to get you to consider my viewpoint on some things and for that I am very, very sorry. I know that the Lord's words are true and I know that we could be together victorious if we fight the battle on the same side and united. Everything I hear is contrary to that and is the world's way. I know that we could be a testimony to the Lord's miraculous ways and His mercy and goodness, His forgiveness and restoration, His healing. WELLLLLLL........I am guessing by now you are saying...this is all hog-wash.....lol. And I will stop.
JIMS EMAIL
I guess it is easy to write those things when you are not the one facing jail, or whatever else may come from all of this. I am tired of all the trouble in my life. Between you and Lisa I have had 5 yrs of consistent difficulty. I don't want it anymore. You think I am just living it up over here? It is the pits, but it is the pits at home with you also. I am tired of your ways...tired of you snatching my clothes, snatching the phone, hiding my tools, taking my personal things, taking the truck and trailer papers out of the glove box, and on and on and on. I won't live that way anymore. I have got to have peace in my life, at whatever the cost. You have serious problems, and I cannot help you...and you refuse to acknowledge them and get help from somebody who could really help. I won't put myself in a position to be jailed again--FOR SOMETHING I DID NOT DO! I have had all of this I can stand. I do not know what to do anymore, but I know I cannot continue on th e way we are. I am tired of you saying filthy things about my children, I am tired of you intercepting their phone calls, I am tired of you taking their pictures I had and either hiding or destroying them. I am tired of you lying and deceiving me about money, I am tired of you always accusing me of things that never even enter my mind. I am tired of you letting your children run roughshod over the rules and requirements I try to establish in the house. I am just sick and tired...and I will not be your fool again. The ball is in your court. If you mean all those things you say then you will figure out how to make this marriage work, but as for me, I have given up...I do not think it can work. And most of all I am tired of your absolute and continuing denial of the things I say. I am facing jail Cathy, or at best probation, and damned AA meetings, counselling programs, and other things that will greatly hinder me from gaining a steady job. You have really messed things up, and you kn ow as well as I do that there is absolutely NO reason I should be in this position. Nobody in their right mind would ever put themselves back in a position to have to go through this again. Life is not worth it...it would be far better to just be alone and live simply and quietly. Things are hard enough without having to endure such as I am enduring right now. I don't know what to say to you except that I do not have the ability to continue on with things as they are presently. I have got to have some measure of peace and quietness in my life...and I am sick and tired of always being run out of my home, or locked out....It will not happen again.
For your info, Annie, I never hid money or pictures. I have never stolen or cheated. When he gets like this, He takes things and then either breaks them, whether on purpose or accidently. He has taken 1300 dollars out of our account(all that we had and that was to pay bills)and then simply said he lost it, after first accusing me of taking it out of his wallet. The truth will not be known, though I believe he doesn't know what happened to that
money. The pictures of his kids I believe were "lost" the same way. He grabs HIS stuff and leaves and everytime something else is missing or broken. But that is my fault he says. I have never asked him to leave or told him to leave. He gets upset over a phone call from his ex or his kids and he can go from lovemaking to strangling me. I truly am beginning to believe that he does it so fast that he doesnt know it. and the next thing he does is goes to the corner and calls me and asks me out to lunch. I am so sad and I do love him...and I guess I feel, as his wife, that if I dont help him, who will.
ANSWER: Hi Cathy,
You ask: "If I don't help him, who will?"
More to the point, if you do help him, always assuming he will let you - and he doesn't sound to sold on that idea right now - but if you will persist in trying to help him, will he ever help himself? Because until he is committed to helping himself nothing good will happen.
You say you are an incurable romantic. Well, I like romance as much as the next person, but I can't see anything remotely romantic in the way he talks to you in his email.
There's nothing romantic about a toxic relationship, unfortunately.
Fight for it tooth and nail if you will. You cannot change the outcome, but you can choose how much you drain yourself.
We both know you will do whatever you choose to do, however damaging that may be to you.
Warm wishes for your recovery,
Annie
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Well Annie, You were right. Jim sent me this email. and we went away for the weekend. JIMS EMAIL "I have no money...and not any hope of having any. If you have any I would be willing to maybe drive to Ft. Payne and get a room for the night, and maybe spend the day at little river canyon tomorrow. I am just not sure I want to come to the house right now...we seem to do better talking on the road anyway. I figure you probably don't have any money. The job I got sucks...$14.50 an hour to start...so that is nothing to count on. Will have to keep looking, but it will give me something to show the judge anyway...as if that will help.
If you can come up with a way for gas, lodging, food, drink, etc, then we can go for the night...otherwise we will just endure another day. "
As I was dropping him off at his "ex-wifes" house after we got back, he said something derogatory to me in front of his kids. Then they called making threatening phone calls. Then he came back over to my house saying that he didnt know anything about it. But he said they gave him heck for being with me and so he wasnt going back there. He came in the hoouse, got on the computer to "check on jobs", and began to leave when I asked him why he talked to me so venomous, right after we got back from our weekend of having a good time, he said he wasnt going to put up with my shit. I ONLY asked him. He started grabbing things and going through drawers and stuff and then he left. All I did was ask him why he talked like that to me while I was dropping him off and why he didnt do something to the kids for calling and threatening me. He left, called later, and he was still at ex's house, even though he said he wasnt going back there. Later, I realized that my computer was no longer working and while on the trip, he had taken my camera (with all the pictures of my kids in the last 2 years) out of my overnight bag. My camera was UNDER all my clothes in my bag. There is a "no contact" order. He is not even suppose to be here and he is not suppose to be drinking (those were his bond conditions)and he went to a bar Friday night. I guess I will get into trouble, too, for us being together this weekend. and he is counting on that. So ,I am in a fine mess, and again, I believe the lies. He is trying to make it where I cant tell on him without incriminating myself. He knows he has all the rights. He can take my camera and take it over to his ex's and I cant get it. He also took the car I was driving. He has a big nice truck and he is not so good at making the payments AND it is a gas hog. I drive a 1990 rusted-out Plymouth Voyager, which is beneath him to drive. Until now. He took the keys off the counter and left in it saying that he had as much right to it as I do. But you would have to know him....it is always "my truck" this and "my truck" that. But now that he doesnt have much money, he grabbed the little van to drive, leaving me with the truck that will be repossessed this week. And he knows that there is nothing I can do to get my camera or the van. I am exasperated, tired, sad, frustrated, violated, besides feeling like a fool. And I guess he is sitting over there laughing while he deletes the pictures of my kids on my camera. I wish I could get him one good time, but actually, i would like the system to get him so I could say, "You did it yourself, I didnt" becuase he likes to blame me for everything. I havent said anything about the camera, and that really angers me that he took it. I know that he is getting a real hardy-har over that. He will say, "I have as much right to it as you do...Its OURS isnt it?" I am completely spent and defeated. He has everything on his side and I am just gullible I guess. In a way, I feel like the law protects him. I really dont fathom how you can love someone and steal from them. Any idea what, if anything , I should or can do now?
Answer Cathy,
You know exactly what you should do.
You should have no further contact with him.
And, it really is about time you stopped feeling sorry for yourself about the way he treats you. He is an abusive man, being abusive is his job description. That's what he does. That's what he will do. You know that as well as I do.
Your choices are simple: either you can let him, or you can actually lay down a boundary and say: "I'm out of here. I am not prepared to go there any more."
The good thing about letting him treat you that way is that you get to feel like an ill treated victim. That may be more comfortable than owning your own responsibility in letting this thing drag on.
Really, there is nothing more I can say and so I cannot continue to engage in what has gone beyond answering a question and into quite a large amount of my time. I wish you well and you have to make choices.
