AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Expert: Annie Kaszina Date: 5/23/2008 Subject: Is there hope?
Question My husband recently went to jail and now faces court for knocking me to the ground and giving me a black eye. He says its all my fault. Anyway, is there any hope that we can get real help and have a happy successful marriage? I have had the happiest times of my life with him... and the worst too. i love him, though, with all my heart.
Answer Hi Cathy,
Well, I don't want to rain on your parade, but the short answer is that it is most unlikely that you can have a happy, successful marriage.
Why do I say that?
Because he struck you quite violently and he blames it on you. For as long as he fails to take responsibility for his own actions and reactions, your marriage doesn't stand a chance. And nor do you. You can only look forward to the violence escalating because, unfortunately, that is what it does.
As regards the two of you getting help, I'd say that you could do with help to recover from the trauma of domestic violence, if that is what you intend to do. But the help that is primarily needed is for him.
This is something that he has to do for himself, by himself. You cannot help him. If you try,you will just end up carrying him and being subjected to more violence. If he is not prepared to do that work for himself - and by himself, by which I mean separately and independently of you - it won't happen.
The truth is that even if he says he will do the work, many abusive men start, few bother to keep going with it. He might just be able to change, but the odds are stacked against him doing so.
I hear that you feel that you love him. My guess is that you love the good parts and feel decidedly less loving towards the violent, aggressive aspects of him. Unfortunately they are every bit as much a part of him as the 'nice' bits, probably more so. Violent and abusive men get worse and worse with time. That is an unwritten law.
I wish I had something more cheering to say to you, but there isn't anything. In the end, the kindest thing I can do is tell it like it is, that way you need not waste any more years of your life hoping for something you can never have.
