AboutDianne Schwartz Expertise Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.
Experience Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.
Organizations Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.
Publications This book was reviewed by The Library Journal
Awards and Honors Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."
Expert: Dianne Schwartz Date: 6/20/2008 Subject: I just want to wake up and act with clarity and "right-doing"
Question My spouse and I married quickly after double rainbows, shooting stars, and a
baby on the way. When I waited at a new airport for, per his request, for
hours pregnant in the rain anticipating his arrival, only to find my new car
with spilled cocaine all over the place and empty vodka bottles in the trunk in
addition to less, suddenly technical uncomfortable sex, accusations of my
stealing money, an unwillingness to communicate, and a brief but definite
suggestion maybe I "call a doctor", I reluctantly left and had an abortion. I
didn't even have the idea during my first pre-natal, but my dr said there were
"options". I had cancelled the first surgery and showed up the 2nd date to
her partner who I told I had changed my mind about the operation but
insisted I go through with it calling in a stranger despite my pleas otherwise
because he believed the baby was older than was charted and not something
he would do. I got very ill after and had another surgery to help me recover.
I went back to him because he was my spouse and seemed to genuinely want
to move forward together. After a horrendous roller coaster of gambling,
drug use, pornography, lack of intimacy, and verbal/psychological beatings
in addition to regular cocaine use, I finally felt strong enough to say good
bye. When he stopped gambling on his own (10's of thousands of dollars per
year leaving us living in a motel at one point.. a man who makes over 6
figures a year), I had BEGUN to heal from the choice I made to end the life of
my unborn child despite my last minute clear communication I had changed
my mind being told I had no choice and was thrilled the gambling had
ceased. I wanted to fix the wrongs of my past... of our past... I wanted to
please him and have him see something special in me as his wife. After a
ruptured cyst and bed rest for two months due to my weakness and pain last
summer while spouse was shooting a movie on location last Summer, he
returned with escalated daily cocaine use... a man I did not feel I knew at all.
He threatened my life twice, began pushing/kicking/dragging me without
injury to me, and finally said you can just kill yourself as he didn't care how
things ended anymore. I had, literally, been drained daily for 45 days when I
decided to take his advice. I intentionally overdosed on pills one night, and
he left that morning knowing I was unconscious with pills and a note on my
night stand. It isn't that I wanted to be saved, but the fact he hid the note
and waited a minimum of 6 hours prior to sending a "worker" to check on me
telling the person I had been very ill and was concerned has me asking,
praying, begging WHY I stay. After being released from the hospital, I just
couldn't leave despite what neighbors and doctors told me because he had
melanoma cancer on his nose requiring surgery that week. In addition, he
chose not to pick me up from the hospital upon my release as I took a taxi
home to an atmosphere that had not been touched... pills, drugs, everything
the same... except my dog was gone. That day he shattered his miniscus
(some part of knee) on the set which was another incident that I felt
compelled to respond to immediately. Due to time conflicts, my "aftercare"
was absolute... or no more. Plus, there were multiple events where he felt he
was having a heart attack where I would either take him to ER or sit up all
night with him hoping for his health and well-being to return that year. With
all the "trauma", he finally committed to stopping the cocaine, becoming
more involved with me, pursuing sexual relations and a child, building the
new business together in order to have a new passion and financial stability
for our new path. Within 3 months, after I guaranteed over $50k in loans for
"his" business... but in my name for access to loans (higher credit), the abuse,
daily cocaine use, and complete refusal to communicate civilly or spend time
together had begun again. He also refused to supply a list of company
assets, would not account for $20k plus in company cash withdraws while
having me fill my cc's with everyday expenses out of supposed "necessity",
removed all equipment from our garages, refused to reveal location of
equipment, began taking payments in cash behind my back, started taking
earnings checks to cash checking places which I found receipts to when I had
no money to pay "our" bills as usual while lying about their existence, and has
now stopped supply of all significant money to run our household and allow
me to maintain my dog and my upkeep since I brought up divorce again. He
has begun taking less jobs, has not provided any checks since I requested we
discuss a dissolution of our marriage, says he has no money but comes home
with drugs, groceries, etc occasionally throwing me $20 to $80 lying about
the source of the money as he now tells me his friend gave him $1500 to get
through this money "famine". He ignored my request to separate. When
confronted again, he denied I had even made the request and followed with
the statement (even though I wrote up a very generous settlement offer
considering California's typical procedures for dissolutions like ours) saying
he did not feel like reading my fucking moronic writing. Since then, there is
daily verbal abuse, separation of person (he watches russian tv and sleeps in
living room while I am expected to stay in my room). Every approach to
discuss the matter is loudly and dominantly rejected. I have seen lawyers that
want 5 figures just to start and believe there will be other expenses as we
valuate the company and find ways to track his earnings as he works for
multiple production companies every year. My spouse has completely
emptied accounts and hidden or spent all significant cash and has behaved
inconsistently telling me also he loves me bringing me food to eat as I have
begun losing significant weight again. The lawyers and behavioral health
docs all say "GET OUT NOW", and will go from there implying... no insisting...
my life is at stake. Finally, the question: How can I leave when I have no
money? Why do I still feel desperately attached to having him in my life
dreaming of the change... though the crying and anger has begun to increase
after my heart stopped last fall upon arrival to ER, and I began to take back
my valuation from another and welcoming the universe/God back into my life
first thinking he had been warned about his lifestyle enough to follow
through this year, still optimistic personally after being proven wrong, to
complete shock about the last year and the 6+ prior. I do not recognize
myself in the mirror. I am scared. I am bewildered. I am alone. If you have
suggestions or insight; even services that may help me get out and acquire
proper representation... I would be honored. Everyone else, including
professionals, are clearly stating I am not seeing things as they are and
refusing to take necessary steps and are tired of the years of this. I have been
told repeatedly I am being treated with domestic violence, but I cannot wrap
my head around it because it seems so minor - physically at least. He is not
a citizen and has two prior drug arrests. I don't want to be the bad guy,
over-react, or sit by as things may escalate to dangerous levels... but I cannot
"see" it really... or maybe I just feel completely stuck. Your input is dearly
valued, Peace n blessings, M
Answer Hi Michelle,
Call 1-800-799-SAFE and get the name of your local shelter. They will offer you a safe place to live and give you a ton of resources and help you lift the fog you're living in.
People and especially people like your husband don't change. You have to understand that in your brain and heart so stop hoping, wishing and praying. He's playing you for a fool but you don't have to play the part of a fool.
Who cares what health problems he has? He sure didn't seem to care about your health scare. Michelle, he's a loser, okay? Do you feel you deserve him? I don't think you do.
I'll give you the same advice others have given you...get out now! All of us can't be wrong. I understand the pull but I also know that you have to leave to work through the dysfunctional thinking you are living with. His lies are what keeps you confused along with the lies you are telling yourself. This is why a shelter is so valuable.
If you would like, I can send you a copy of my book but I want you to leave first. You will never have any peace of mind living with him. Life is worth more than that.
You can email me at whose_face@yahoo.com if you need more info or if you want a copy of my book.
Just leave...don't threaten to leave or discuss it with him. Just leave. He's clearly shown you that he doesn't respect you or care what happens to you. Stop telling yourself lies...okay?
Do what is right for you. Your inner voice is telling you to leave so listen to it.
