AboutChardonnay Nicole Thomas Expertise I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive
Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself;
BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.
Experience I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.
Question Hello. I am 27 years old and have been with the same man for a year. However, over the course of the year he has been physically abusive about 15 times. 2 days ago, on my birthday, he took it to a new level. He ambushed when I walked in the house and chased me in to the parking lot when I ran. He dragged me down and punched me in the face and nose and bit my ears. I ran to a neighbor who called the police and he ran. I don't want to make excuses for him but this is always alcohol induced. He can really be the nicest guy when not drinking. Is there hope if he stays away from alcohol? He has suffered an extremely abusive childhood and I think his present state is due to that. I don't want to see him hurt, I want to help him. But can I? Has anyone ever helped the abuser get better? Is it even possible? I have gone forward with pressing charges. The officers that took me to the ER wrote statements. However, he is still "on the loose" and I'm scared to go back home. I don't know what to do. I was really in love and I'm scared I may still be.
Answer Megan,
Hello and thank you for choosing me to help you with your concerns and issues. First, the question is not whether or not he will be "normal" without alcohol, but rather, are you going to continue to put up with his abuse and stand by him while he abuses you and treats you so badly? You have already seen that he is abusive and he is an alcoholic from what you are telling me, so why stay? Why stay with someone who is making you so unhappy and treating you so badly when you can be focusing on something else like a more healthy relationship with someone else? Ask yourself those questions. There are good men out there, and they may be hard to find, but one should never settle for less than they deserve and settle for being abused and mistreated. Some people have gone through counseling and/or therapy to get help when they are the abusive person and they may never abuse others again or they may. Each individual is different.
Some couples can overcome things like this, but me personally, with knowing everything that I know now, I would not and could not stay with someone who chooses to abuse me. The truth is, we choose our own behavior, and your boyfriend is choosing to mistreat you. You say that you may still be in love with him, but so what? Love does not hurt, so he could not have possibly loved you when he was treating you so badly. Maybe you do have strong feelings for him, but love, I really do not think so. True love lasts and it's natural; that's how you know when you really love someone, when you do not have to "work" at it. Relationships and love should be as natural as breathing; love just comes at a certain pace and there is nothing that you can do about it but give in and allow your heart to receive it--that is what I call true love. The police have even gotten involved and you still have to ask questions about this? Do yourself a favor Megan, leave this relationship and look forward to better things. Life is way too short to settle for something like this. Life is precious and fragile and we should never take anything for granted. Each day is a gift and we should all treat it as such. I wish you well.
All My Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
AllExperts.com
"Strong people cannot be defeated."
~Danielle Steel
