AboutSusan Blocker Expertise My name is Susan Blocker. I am 45 years old, born with a physical disabillity I am SURVIVOR of Physical, Sexual, Verbal, Emotional and Economical abuse. During the past 11 years via my website "Climbing Out Of The Spiral" I have provided a myriad of online support and counseling services to survivors and victims of abuse worldwide.
My knowledge stems from my own personal experiences with childhood abuse and domestic violence. Through my own experience with abuse I've learned many valuable lessons that I am able to pass on to those in need of guidance and support, so that they may begin their "Climb Out Of The Spiral".
Experience My greatest accomplishment is surviving thirty years of abuse and having the strength to uphold my emotional fortitude so that I can pass my experience on to other survivors of abuse. I am creative founder of a website dedicated to promoting abuse awareness and prevention. Climbing Out Of The Spiral has provided abuse support and counseling services to victims and survivors of abuse world wide since December 7, 1996. Climbing Out Of The Spiral is my most precious achievement.
Expert: Susan Blocker Date: 7/6/2008 Subject: Was I right to end this?
Question QUESTION: Hi there. I am hurting right now and need someone to talk to who might understand. I recently made the very difficult decision to end a three year relationship with my boyfriend. I know I made the right decision on an intellectual level, but I am still plagued with feelings of self-doubt. He managed to make me feel like it was all my fault, and has me thinking that I am a bad person.
Let me give you a little background information. He is serving a sentence of life with the possibility of parole for murder. We started out as pen pals, and feelings developed over time. He used to be sensitive, understanding, thoughtful, romantic etc. He made me feel so loved and special. He valued my thoughts, feelings and opiniions. He was so different than the men I had known growing up, who treated women as inferiors. That is one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.
Everything was going fine, until he embraced christianity. Then he started being posessive and controling, belittling me and my opinions etc. He even started writing other women. He told me that he didn't know if I was the right woman for him, because of my strong "anti religion" and "feminist" views. In other words, he wanted to hold onto me until something better came along.
He told me if I wanted to marry him, I would have to give up my independence, learn not to be so opinionated etc. He said "a good Christian wife is subject to her husband's authority". He also said I would have to bear his children. I had told him from the beginning that I did not want a traditional marriage, and that children were not for me. I couldn't be the woman he wants me to be if I tried. I am not very good at being submissive, and I don't want to give up my independence. I did find the courage to break up with him, but he made me feel so guilty. And I feel sad, because he used to be my best friend. But I don't like the person he has become.
He now believes that women are inferior and should do what men tell them to do. I don't believe that. He has told me if I don't change my ways I will go to hell. I wanted for us to remain friends, but he refused to respect the fact that I didn't share his beliefs. He said he loved me so much he didn't want to see me go to hell, and that is why he preached at me.
Was I wrong to break up with him? Should I have given into his demands? He tells me that men don't like intelligent, opinionated women, and are threatened by them. In other words, if I don't change no one else will want me. How do I get over this relationship and move on? Thanks.
Melanie
ANSWER: Hello Melanie:
My name is Susan and I thank you for your inquiry. Without hesitation I must start off by saying "YES" you did do the right thing by ending your relationship.
YOU are a Strong, Intelligent, Independent Woman and "NO" You should NEVER, EVER allow anyone be it man or woman to belittle and or control you. Every adult person in this world has a God given right to make decisions for themselves. No man or woman has a right to tell you how to Think, Feel or Be.
Often people who are dealing with their own "Insecurities and or Issues" will often prey on people they feel that they can control. These type of people Do Not feel in control over their own life so to help compensate their lack of a "LIFE" they try to control others.
What's sad is sometimes these type of people hide behind their "Erratic/Irrational" religious beliefs. There is nothing at all wrong in believing in God and or a higher power. The problem starts when a person uses his religious beliefs as a form of manipulation and mind control.
In this LIFE both Men and Women are equal. Unfortunately some men truly believe that women are below them. We are all created equally.
Most abusers Do Not take blame for their ill ways and they tend to blame their victims for the way things turn out. Again this is a form of mind control in hopes of making you fee ashamed and or guilty for ending the relationship. Do Not fall or play into his guilt trip. YOU are not responsible for his actions and you have every right to do what you feel is best for YOU.
Abusers Do Not like Strong women whom they feel that they can not control and manipulate. And most potential abusers start off by being nice this is how they lure their victims into their grip. Once they feel they have you isolated and or under their control that's when their personality begins to change for the worst.
You should take extra precaution simply because this man is already in prison for murdering another person. He's belittling you, trying to manipulate and control you and he's still behind bars.
Think what would he do to you if he were not in jail? Play is SAFE Melanie in this case Do Not allow your heart to think for you, continue to allow your intellect to make the "RIGHT" decision and leave this man alone. Some times all we can do is Love and care for people at a SAFE distance.
My suggestion to you is to let him move on so that you can move on with your LIFE. Continue being a Strong, Intelligent, Independent Woman. NEVER allow anyone to abuse or try to change who you are. You make changes in your life ONLY When/If you feel that's what you want to do. Melanie don't ever allow any man to tell you how to live your LIFE.
As far as moving on and getting over this relationship. I have no answers for you because each person has their own unique healing process that they have to go through. You took the first BIG step by realizing their was a serious problem in your relationship and you made the decision to move on.
The healing process will take some time, but it will get better and your heart will feel allot stronger. Take the lessons that you have learned in this relationship and carry them with you to your next relationship, this way you'll know the warning signs and you wont allow this type of person to enter into your life again.
I hope that I have been of assistance to you Melanie. If I may help you again please feel free to contact me again at your convenience.
QUESTION: Hi there. Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. I hope you will not mind a follow-up question. There is something he said to me in one of his letters that did not make any sense to me whatsoever, and then he made me feel like an idiot and said I just "wasn't capapble of understanding". I was wondering if it was just me. Does this statement make any sense to you? He was responding to something I said about biblical teachings being oppressive to women. When I was in high school I wrote a paper about how the bible had been used to deny women everything from the right to speak in public, to voting, to owning property, to birth control. Here is what he said:
""True Christianity is empowering to women, not demeaning. But the power is subject to the man. Maybe that's hard for you to understand, but Women ARE equal to man, just as we Christian men are equal to Christ in a sense.
Although His authority reigns, He still loves us enough to bless us
Abundantly, even to the point of suffering and dying on our behalf."
I know it shouldn't let it bother me, but it did. He implied I was stupid because I didn't get that. I mean, even if a man DID treat his wife with love and kindness, it still wouldn't be equality. It sounds a lot like people who say they are not racist, but do not want their children to attend the same schools, do not think blacks should have the same rights etc He is just trying to justify himself.
You are right. I have to listen to my head, because my heart found it very hard to say goodbye. We had three years together, and he was always so sweet and charming. Can you believe he even called me "selfish" because I didn't want to get married and have kids? He says I don't want to "obey Christ" because I would have to learn not to be so selfish. I don't think I am selfish. I am not a Christian, in fact I don't even really believe in god. But I am a good person. I am very compassionate. That is why I started writing to him in the first place, because I felt like every human being was deserving of care and concern. We are all selfish to some extent. I mean, don't we all have the right to be happy? I am just so confused right now.
I want to thank you for taking the time to help me. I will be sure to leave a nice comment about you and nominate you as volunteer of the month. Thank you so much.
Melanie
Answer Hello Melanie:
I hope that this message finds you at peace today. No I don't mind you contacting me again, that's what I am here for. (smile)
Well I read your e-mail and I re-read it again and again to make sure that I understood. I myself am a Christian and I believe in God BUT I also have respect for another persons beliefs and the right not to believe.
Hmmmmmmmm the bible in my personal opinion is a difficult subject for me simply because I personally believe over the course of 10,000 years the bible has been re-written by MAN a gazilion times over and somewhere along the line I personally believe that the majority of Gods' original words were lost in translation and it is my belief that many versions of todays bible reflex MANS opinions and not the true and original words of GOD.
I read and I thought about the passage that your boyfriend spoke of in his letter to you. The way I understand it it seems as though he is contradicting himself. If women and men are truly equal how come he says "the POWER is subject to MAN". In my eyes he does not believe women are true equals. In my belief a true believer in GOD would believe ALL power is subject to God, not man.
As far as your boyfriend trying to make you feel as though you are not smart because you can not see things his way, well as I mentioned in yesterdays e-mail "Abusers will consistently try to beat and break their victims mind." If he breaks your mind he breaks your spirit once your spirit is broken you lose your self-esteem/self worth. This in turn gives the abuser full mind control over their victim.
NO Melanie you are not and idiot just because you Do Not agree with everything he says. You are an Intelligent woman and you have a right to see things differently. That's called "Freedom Of Choice." Abusers Do Not want their victims to have any Freedom or Right to Choose. Abusers often play Mind Games with their victims and that is what your boyfriend was doing.
Do Not allow his nonsense to control your LIFE Melanie. If you do that will mean that he won. He would have battered your mind to a point where you're unable to move on. Try hard not to give his irrational thoughts another minute of your TIME.
No you are NOT being selfish about not wanting to get married and have children. Your LIFE and your BODY is YOUR private domain. You have the right to decide to not marry and not have children. I think it's more selfish to get married when you Do Not want to be e married and have children that you Do Not want.
In my personal opinion that is being selfish. But a woman who makes the conscious decision not to have children is actually showing an act of "Un-Selfishness". Your body is your temple Do Not allow anyone to make you feel guilty or selfish and then tell you what you should do with your body for the love of God. One thing I do know is God gave all of us the "Freedom of Choice."
Again I stress to you all that your boyfriend has said and done is a form of "Mind Control." He's been trying hard to beat your mind down in any way possible, even to a point of using God and the bible as his alibi. As I mentioned yesterday abusers have major psychological issues of their own.
Rather then him dealing with his own issues and insecurities he choose to abuse and control the lives of others. He is the one who has the problem Melanie not you. Do Not allow yourself to take blame or responsibility for his problems. Continue moving on with your life, surround yourself with friends/family who are positive and uplifting. Let Go of people who choose to live in a hole and pull you down with them.
Continue to be the Strong, Independent, Intelligent Woman that you are and you'll be fine Melanie.
I wish you the very best, feel free to contact me again if you need to.
