AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.
Experience My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Question QUESTION: Can a person who is not the typical Domestic Violence Abuser be rehabilitated and change? meaning he's not controlling and he doesn't try to lower my self esteem he doesn't hit me on a regular basis actually its very seldom. and it's not hitting its pushing, squeezing my mouth, choking, and what not. we have been together for four years and even though were not legally married i feel as though we are i have become attached to his kids and he has become attached to mine. after this last altercation i have been staying with my parents and he has moved his stuff out. My parents and family say i need to cut him off completely. its really hard for me to do that because I'm still very much in love with him but at the same time I'm angry with him because i feel like he knows better. i feel if i cut him off completely then I'm turning my back on him. i know that he does truly love me and his fear is me finding someone else my fear is him finding another woman and him treating her the way he should have been treating me. he admits that he has a problem and wants help should i be there for him or cut him off?
ANSWER: Dear Oqueenia,
I am truly sorry to hear of your situation. It is always difficult to separate from a long term relationship, but I believe that you have made the correct decision. I would strongly encourage you to refrain from trying to take care of him and work on helping yourself. In this short email, there are so many levels of denial that I am very concerned for you. Please let me address some of the things that I see and hopefully you will see what I mean:
1) Not the typical domestic violence abuser: this man is a typical abuser, he may not be exhibiting every symptom. Anytime someone puts their hands on another person in anger, they have committed assault, which is against the law. Pushing you, squeezing your mouth and especially choking you are physical assaults and can inflict damage. Do you realize that it only takes 8 pounds of pressure around your neck for 11 seconds to kill you?
2) Children living in an environment where there is this type of aggression and anger are fundamentally changed on a brain level. They form unhealthy beliefs about who they are, how safe they can be, who they can trust and most importantly, that their boundaries are not able to keep them safe. This situation is not just about you and your boyfriend, there are others that this impacts and you need to consider them as well.
3) He's not controlling and he doesn't try to lower my self esteem: Anger on this level is intimidating and the idea of being physically abused changes your behavior on a fundamental level. Whether you can see it or not, it has to have an effect on your behavior and the choices you make. Emotionally healthy people do not stay in relationships such as you describe. What you are experiencing is not part of a loving relationship, so I would encourage you to try to determine why you believe that this is love.
4) I'm turning my back on him: What is happening in your relationship is the natural consequence of abuse. You say he knows better but he continues to choose this behavior so this has nothing to do with you turning your back on him. This is about the safety of yourself and your children and if he knows better, there is definitely something wrong with his idea of love.
5) Abusers admit they have problems but never seem to get around to doing anything to change their behavior. When they do, it is usually a manipulation to hold on to the relationship. There is no reason that you should hang around to "be there for him". His problems are well beyond your skill set to deal with and if he is truly going to get help, he will get it whether you are there or not. If you leave and he chooses not to get help or stay in counseling, that is a definite sign that he was only manipulating the situation to get you to stay. He's an adult, and if he knows he has a problem he'll get help whether you are there or not.
6) Fear of him finding another woman and him treating her the way he should have been treating me: That won't happen....abusers who physically abuse are among the lowest numbers for successful rehabilitation statistically. If he is to truly see a change in his life, he has a long road of healing in front of him. This issue is one that I would urge you to address with a counselor....it speaks of some real underlying issues that would be well worth investigating with a professional.
Abusive relationships can't exist unless there is one who abuses and another who allows the abuse to happen. There are issues on both sides here, but in no way do I mean to imply that you deserved the abuse. No one deserves to be abused. But to allow yourself to be abused suggests some internal wounding that should be addressed. You are worth more than to be treated with such dishonor and it is important that you model good boundaries for your children.
I hope that you understand my concern for you. If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.
Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my e-mail. i know that i made the right decision by making him leave however a part of me still feels like he can change. I know to the average person (what i explained in the earlier e-mail) it doesn't seem like he loves me. let me just say that this type of altercation has happened 3 times in 4 years.
Thanks for the advice
God bless you
Answer Dear Oqueenia,
I certainly respect what you have to say as I understand that you are the one on the front lines. As I have worked with abused women, it has become important for me to define what love is and what it isn't because in a marriage or long term relationship, there isn't a woman I have talked to that doesn't say she loves the man.
The definition I work from is the scripture passage I Cor 13:9 - the love chapter. This passage says what love is and at the end indicates that if you love someone with this kind of love, love never fails. There is nothing in this definition that provides for hitting, neglecting, dishonoring or yelling. It says nothing about a free pass for being abusive one or two times a year....this is not just behavior, what this passage describes is a heart attitude.
I realize that without the Lord, none of us can even come close to demonstrating this type of love, but I have to use this as a standard because without it, we are left with feelings which change day to day. Does that make sense?
Relationships that practice this type of love continuously succeed. They don't have to get it perfect, they just need to be working at it consistently. They have to have a heart attitude that says, I want the Lord's heart, I want to live from a heart that is like His. When there is a perspective that says on any level that abuse is OK, that brings death into the relationship and the more it happens the faster the relationship dies. It is the natural consequence of sin. In your case, it hasn't happened very often, but it has happened and the consequences are apparent. The heart of the Lord changes lives, human love does not. Therefore, if your boyfriend were to receive a heart change from the Lord, yes, he could change. But that has to come from within him....you can't make that happen and until it does, he's not safe. Saul is a great example......there is a passage of scripture that says the Lord gave him a new heart and from then on he was able to prophesy. That can happen, but I have not seen it happen very often. Let the Lord deal with his son and you keep yourself and your children safe.
Thank you for writing back. I hope this clarifies what I was trying to say. Again, I wish you well. Many blessings on you!
