AboutDianne Schwartz Expertise Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.
Experience Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.
Organizations Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.
Publications This book was reviewed by The Library Journal
Awards and Honors Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."
Question I am a mother of two boys and two girls. I have been divorced for 5 years. When I got divorce I had three children still at home, two of which were in adolescence and one entering this phase of life. I have always played the role of "parent" even during the 20 years I spent married. My former spouse never took an active role in the parenting process.
Just as adolescents do, my children would rebel against rules. Instead of being supportive my former spouse would encourage my children to move in with him. My daughter moved in with him right around her 18th birthday. My son about a year and a half later moved in with him as well. These two were back and forth from my house to his. My youngest who is 15 and will be 16 in four months decided she wanted to live with him as well.
My former spouse was abusive both emotionally and physically at times. We were military and moved around a lot. After 20 years he was medically retired and we moved back to our hometown. I finally felt I was on solid ground enough to get a divorce. His entire family participates in the use of drugs, alcohol, are constantly being charged with one crime or another and just very gregarious people.
My 15 year old daughter and I for the past 8 months have had a conflict over a boy she decided to "be with". This boy was abusive and the school even wanted me to press charges against him. My daughter decided she wanted to live with her dad, so he went to court and fought for custody and was given it. The judge said he was not here to decide who was the better parent but that my daughter and my relationship had deteriorated and she would be best served being with him.
I did everything for these kids and they continue to come to me for everything; advice, help, consoling, money, a place to live, babysitting, you name it they come to me not my former spouse. They would even complain that they couldn't get a hold of their dad or that he would not return their calls. What did I do that contributed to this behavior and what can I do to prevent being used in the future? How do I cope and get through the lost custody of my 15 year old daughter and the last child I had at home?
Answer Hi Kerry,
You stop being the rescuer for your children. You say no and stick to it. They don't respect you because you don't make them respect you. I know as divorced mothers, we feel we should step in and do all these things for them but we teach them how to use us and they don't have one ounce of respect but then, we don't have one ounce of self-respect!
The more you do for them, the more they will dislike you. Never, ever allow them to move back in after leaving you in favor of that loser father of theirs. Make them stick out the poor decisions they made.
It's hard to start saying the word no if you aren't used to it but just try it once and see what happens. Oh, they might throw a fit and say horrible things to you and about you but it looks like they already are so what are you losing? When they ask for something and you say No! and they stop short for a minute and then ask you why not? you say, "Because I don't want to." That's it. You don't owe them an excuse. You're the adult here! Stop being a doormat! You'll be surprised how good it will make you feel.
