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Domestic Violence - What should I do about this marriage?
Expert: Dianne Schwartz - 10/18/2009
Question
I have felt many times that I should leave my husband. I sometimes feel that it was a mistake to even be in a relatioship with him. We have had alot of issues. At times we do seem to have a closeness and he seems so caring. This is a reason that I have not left him; I also have felt that I could help him. He has told me that he can not make it without me. He is bi-polar and that has created issues for us. He is now on meds and seems to have a goal of taking them long term this time. He is on meds because he has had bad episodes before to the point of having to be commited a few times. He has made bad choices and still seems to need assistance with keeping up with the normal tasks of life. Sometimes, it feels that we are not very compatible. He doesn't seem to have any major goals and seems to drift where the wind takes him. I feel like I am always wanting more out of life. He has made bad decisions that have had negative effects. For example, he had started associating with these kids that were "bad news" in the neighborhood and continued to dispite our many arguments on the subject. One of the guys eventually stole from our apt. amd now he has finally stopped associating with them. He seems to lose his inner "filter" for what is appropriate. He has since been committed twice and put on meds. He has also had a problem with alcohol. We have had some horrible times of arguing and he has become physical before. Alcohol was involved during most of these times. He had been in the past when we were dating. I broke up with him and was in a different state for about 2 years. We later got back together with me thinking that I would forgive him and that we could get a new start. Eventually, he became abusive again. He would say that my yelling was a trigger. I did yell during some arguments because they would continue to escalate. Now, he has finally admitted that there is no reason to be physical. He says that he is in therapy (no counseling yet) and has promised that he will never be physical again. We now have a newborn involved. We had moved away together, got married, and had a child together. During an episode of his earlier this year just before he was committed he had grabbed me and held me down while I was pregnant. I pressed charges and nothing happened for while. Until, just a few weeks ago....he was on the couch and I asked him to hold the baby. I handed him the baby and he seemed either sedated or uninterested (he later said it was the change of meds. )and I also corrected him on how he was holding him. I got annoyed and said that I didn't think that he would be able to watch him when I go back to work in an annoyed tone (I had told him this before) and he hit my leg. It was a shock. He did not hurt me, but it still happened. I felt overwhelmed, my hand started shaking, and I wanted to cry. It seemed almost random. (He later said that the recent change of meds effected him). I took the baby and was on the way to get a protective order when my car broke down. I reconsidered and instead had to get a plan toegther to have my car towed. We eventually worked things out, but I told him that I would not forgive him. I have told him that I do not want to be in the marriage and that it would be best for both of us to separate. I have to go back to work next week and am moving next month (job relocation). He is begging me to stay. He is telling me that he realizes he has a problem and realizes how him being physical effects me. He says that he wants to be with me and he wants to be an active part in his son's life. I know that it has been a cycle before and feel that I should not take risks of being in a potentially abusive situation again. He has never admitted all of these things before and I know that he will have a difficult time finding a place on his own when we move. I know that the saying is often true , "once an abuser, always an abuser". I have considered leaving so many times, but I am still thinking that there is hope for us. He does help me out when he can, compliments me, and tells me he loves me everyday. If I do leave, I am not sure how to leave. I cannot leave the state until Mid November and he also can not leave until then. So, we will be leaving together. I have been looking for places and he has asked to stay with me until he finds a place (knowing that I have expressed that I want to be separated). I do not want ot leave him "high and dry" on his own, but also worry that I will just be setting things up for him to stay. Also, in the meantime. I have to go back to work for the next month (no choice) and he keeps insisting that he will take good care of our son while I'm at work. He has helped me feed and change him quite a few times. I told him that I had considered getting a day care, but he says that there is no need for that. What should I do in this situation??
Answer
Stacy,
If you let this man take care of your child, you should have your parental rights taken away. What are you thinking?
Run as fast as you can away from this guy. He isn't going to get better--he doesn't care if he gets better and he can live without you! He isn't going to change so you have to. If you don't care enough about yourself to leave, care enough about your son to leave! You're ruining his life along with yours but he doesn't have a choice like you.
Sorry to be so blunt but this is the only answer.
Dianne
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