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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > Need help. Will I lose the kids if I report? Is there another way?
Domestic Violence - Need help. Will I lose the kids if I report? Is there another way?
Expert: Laura Giles - 11/2/2009
Question
Hello. I need help and stumbled across this forum.
My husband and I have been best friends since childhood. We married 18 months ago and shortly after found out we were expecting our first child. I have an older child from a previous relationship.
We had "rough times" at the beginning of our marriage. Many life stresses; bought a house, loss of my job, new pregnancy, new marriage... we started fighting. Horrifically. He said it was my fault, that I'm aggressive, that I instigate fights, that I control him. I honestly can't tell if I do these things or not anymore. I don't think I do. I try to stay on his good side, but, sometimes, I know I do push when I know I should just stay silent. Maybe it is my fault? I mean, sometimes, I just can't handle the silent treatment and I push him to answer me even when he's ignoring me.
He beat me my entire pregnancy. I was on bedrest for bleeding. My doctors suspected; he made me switch doctors. Luckily, my baby son was born and is fine. He is now 8 months old, but the beatings haven't stopped. He says they are my fault; I'm aggressive, I'm the abuser, he's "defending himself" and I won't "own up" to my role as the abuser. He says I ruined his life and I deserve to die.
One time, he gave me two black eyes. That raised suspicion of friends. Now he only beats me in places that the marks can be covered. I claw at him to keep him from killing me. He says those marks are his proof that I'm the abuser.
I'm afraid to go to police. I don't want to lose my children, especially my older son. His bio-father has partial custody. Am I at risk of losing my children if I go to the authorities? Will the scratches I leave on him in self defense discredit me?
If I honestly believe he can change, is there another route besides divorce? After all my pregnancy complications, I still have long-lasting health problems that require surgeries and I can't work. I have no income. I can't make my kids suffer poverty because of this. I don't know what to do. I've know him for 15 years. He was never like this.
Is it my fault?
Will I lose my kids if I report, especially my older son who I share custody with his father (not my husband)
Is there another route besides divorce?
Thanks.
jess
Answer
Dear Jessica,
I want you to go back and read what you just sent me and ask yourself if this sounds like a rational thought pattern. You said that your husband beat you while you were pregnant and on bedrest and you claw him to keep him from killing you and your question is, "Will I lose my children if I report this?!!!!" How about asking, "Will I lose my life if I don't do something?" Is the risk of living in poverty for a while greater than the risk of losing your life and having your children be without a mother in the care of a person who killed her?
I sincerely hope that you think about what I have said, but I will answer the questions that you asked and implied.
* Will I lose my children if I report this?
Probably not. YOU are not hitting them, and according to what you have said above, he isn't either. Children are removed if there is a threat to their health and safety. If the home environment is such that their well-being is also at risk, the court may issue a protective order on the children, meaning that if he harms them, he will face sanctions, but you haven't said anything about him hitting them.
*If I honestly believe he can change...
They don't change because you want them to. They rarely change even if THEY want to. Your husband's behavior is 100% typical of abusive people. They blame the victim. The violence escalates during pregnancy. They do things to hide the evidence of their abuse (like making you change doctors and hitting you where the bruises are covered by clothes). They don't handle stress well. They pressure the victim to be isolated from help. They are usually in control of finances so the victim can't leave. If he was going to change, he would have done so before now. There is no motivation for him to change because he gets away with what he does. He doesn't see what he is doing as wrong or his fault.
* Will the scratches I leave on him in self defense discredit me?
Not likely. They will look like defense wounds, particularly if your wounds are worse. Tricky things happen in jurisdictions where there is no strong domestic violence advocacy in the court (or no domestic violence advocate involved at all). I would call your local Victim Witness office and talk to them about how to go about reporting. They will photograph the evidence to help bolster your case.
*Is this my fault?
Violence is the fault of the person committing it. There are always alternatives to violence. Everyone experiences stress and anxiety. Most of us do not attempt to deal with it by hurting or killing others. It's an irrational and unhealthy coping skill that endangers your life. No, this is not your fault.
*Is there another route besides divorce?
Possibly. It depends on the people involved. You can get a protective order which is a civil document (meaning no jail time) demanding that he not hurt you. If he does and you report it to the court, there will be sanctions. It's just a piece of paper and does not give you any protection. It only works if you report the damage and live to tell about it. Some men see this and get enraged and become even more dangerous. Others back off and become emotionally abusive instead of physically abusive. A small minority wake up to what they are doing and stop.
You can get a no contact protective order which would mean he can't even speak to you. But this doesn't sound like what you want.
Be advised that the risk of death rises when you try to leave an abusive relationship. So, talk to your local domestic violence advocate to plan what you want to do in ways that keep you and your children the safest. They may have resources for housing, utilities and transportation, so leaving doesn't necessarily mean being totally without resources.
Laura Giles
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