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About Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Expertise
I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself; BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.

Experience
I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.

Organizations
American Psychological Association—APA; American Psychology-Law Society—AP-LS; House Rabbit Society—HRS; International Association for Correctional and Forensic Psychology—IACFP; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence—NCADV; North Georgia House Rabbit Society—NGHR

Education/Credentials
Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology, Concentration: Psychology Applied to the Workplace, Walden University, Expected: 2010

Awards and Honors
Hope Scholarship Recipient, 2005; The National Scholar's Honor Society, Inducted 2003; National Dean's List, 2001-2002; 2003-2004; Georgia Music Educator's Association, Band-Orchestra, 1991-1992; 1992-1993; Conference Presenter-Clayton State University and The National Archives' Civic Engagement Student Research Conference, Title of Presentation: "North to the Future: The Candidates, Highlights, Factors, and Essential Outcome of the 2008 Alaska U.S. Senate Race"

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > domestic assult

Domestic Violence - domestic assult

Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas - 11/5/2009

Question
Hi, I am going through hell right now. I have known my husnand for 25 years and we have been married for almost 15. We have three children 18,13 and 2.5. My husband is not the typical abuser. He is really good most of the time and about every 2 to 3 years he will get mad at me and throw me around. This last time he body slamed me on the floor, pulled my hair and threw me across the coffee table onto the couch. I landed on my neck. Then he threw me out of the house took my car keys and threw my cell phone down the street. I called the cops and he was arresetd but is out now. I have a bruised tail bone and couldnt lift up my head or lean my head back for a week. the last time this happened was 3 years ago. Our life if mostly happy in between the episodes. he is not controlling or abusive, he is very good with the kids and treats me good. I left for a week and went to my parents. When I came home he was very sorry for what he had done and said he would do anything to keep me, which is also not typical of him. He usually don't say he is sorry or that he could never forgive himself. I love him sooo much and dont want him to move out but i just cant seem to trust him and get past this. I am scared this is just going to keep happening. Do you think the should stay in the home and seek therapy or go ahead and move out for a while. I dont know what I will do without him here. I am going crazy. I can't sleep, can't eat and the doctor had to give me valium. What do I do. I want to keep my marriage intact but I dont want to go through this again. Help. Thank You

Answer
Hi Sheila,

I guess my first question to you is why? Why are tolerating abuse from your husband and trying to then minimize it by saying how good he is in between the abuse, and how good he is with your children? Look, it is pretty simple, you need to move on from this. I don't care how "good" you think he is, nothing is worth your life, health, and your well-being. I agree 100% with Oprah when she said that she would not tolerate domestic violence, period. It just does make any sense for any situation to escalate to violence. IT IS possible for people to communicate without disrespecting and abusing each other, obviously your husband lacks in that department. I realize that you think that you love him, but love does not hurt. If you value your life and the lives of your children, you would leave. It is the typical feeling after being abused to want to stay because you feel obligated not only for yourself, but your children, but that should never be the case. I went through a similar situation years ago but I was not married to my ex and thankfully we did not have any children together. After taking so much abuse from him, I could not take it anymore, and I realized that I was going places with my life and that I was not about to settle for someone beneath me like him. I had to gain the strength to leave, which I did, and I have never looked back since. Yes, even years later the pain of a bad relationship may still hurt, but I do not regret leaving him and moving on. It may affect future relationships because there is that fear that another man will do that to you, but fear is such a useless emotion and it has ruined too many people. If I were you, I would leave, point, blank, period. I would not look back and I would file the papers to permanently get rid of his ass by divorcing him. I hope that you find it within yourself to leave this man behind with the dust and move forward by putting your children first and looking forward to a better life without him. I wish you well.

All My Very Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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