Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 11/5/2009

Question
Hi, I am going through hell right now. I have known my husnand for 25 years and we have been married for almost 15. We have three children 18,13 and 2.5. My husband is not the typical abuser. He is really good most of the time and about every 2 to 3 years he will get mad at me and throw me around. This last time he body slamed me on the floor, pulled my hair and threw me across the coffee table onto the couch. I landed on my neck. Then he threw me out of the house took my car keys and threw my cell phone down the street. I called the cops and he was arresetd but is out now. I have a bruised tail bone and couldnt lift up my head or lean my head back for a week. the last time this happened was 3 years ago. Our life if mostly happy in between the episodes. he is not controlling or abusive, he is very good with the kids and treats me good. I left for a week and went to my parents. When I came home he was very sorry for what he had done and said he would do anything to keep me, which is also not typical of him. He usually don't say he is sorry or that he could never forgive himself. I love him sooo much and dont want him to move out but i just cant seem to trust him and get past this. I am scared this is just going to keep happening. Do you think the should stay in the home and seek therapy or go ahead and move out for a while. I dont know what I will do without him here. I am going crazy. I can't sleep, can't eat and the doctor had to give me valium. What do I do. I want to keep my marriage intact but I dont want to go through this again. Help.  Thank You

Answer
Hi Sheila,

    I guess my first question to you is why? Why are tolerating abuse from your husband and trying to then minimize it by saying how good he is in between the abuse, and how good he is with your children? Look, it is pretty simple, you need to move on from this. I don't care how "good" you think he is, nothing is worth your life, health, and your well-being. I agree 100% with Oprah when she said that she would not tolerate domestic violence, period. It just does make any sense for any situation to escalate to violence. IT IS possible for people to communicate without disrespecting and abusing each other, obviously your husband lacks in that department. I realize that you think that you love him, but love does not hurt. If you value your life and the lives of your children, you would leave. It is the typical feeling after being abused to want to stay because you feel obligated not only for yourself, but your children, but that should never be the case. I went through a similar situation years ago but I was not married to my ex and thankfully we did not have any children together. After taking so much abuse from him, I could not take it anymore, and I realized that I was going places with my life and that I was not about to settle for someone beneath me like him. I had to gain the strength to leave, which I did, and I have never looked back since. Yes, even years later the pain of a bad relationship may still hurt, but I do not regret leaving him and moving on. It may affect future relationships because there is that fear that another man will do that to you, but fear is such a useless emotion and it has ruined too many people. If I were you, I would leave, point, blank, period. I would not look back and I would file the papers to permanently get rid of his ass by divorcing him. I hope that you find it within yourself to leave this man behind with the dust and move forward by putting your children first and looking forward to a better life without him. I wish you well.


All My Very Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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