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About Susan Blocker
Expertise
My name is Susan Blocker. I was born in 1962 with a physical disabillity and I am SURVIVOR of Physical, Sexual, Verbal, Emotional and Economical abuse. During the past 11 years via my website "Climbing Out Of The Spiral" I have provided a myriad of online support and counseling services to survivors and victims of abuse worldwide. My knowledge stems from my own personal experiences with childhood abuse and domestic violence. Through my own experience with abuse I've learned many valuable lessons that I am able to pass on to those in need of guidance and support, so that they may begin their "Climb Out Of The Spiral".

Experience
My greatest accomplishment is surviving thirty years of abuse and having the strength to uphold my emotional fortitude so that I can pass my experience on to other survivors of abuse. I am creative founder of a website dedicated to promoting abuse awareness and prevention. Climbing Out Of The Spiral has provided abuse support and counseling services to victims and survivors of abuse world wide since December 7, 1996. Climbing Out Of The Spiral is my most precious achievement.

Education/Credentials
My educatonal credentials stems from "Life Experience".

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > Will I lose the kids if I report? need help

Domestic Violence - Will I lose the kids if I report? need help

Expert: Susan Blocker - 11/2/2009

Question
Hello. I need help and stumbled across this forum.

My husband and I have been best friends since childhood. We married 18 months ago and shortly after found out we were expecting our first child. I have an older child from a previous relationship.

We had "rough times" at the beginning of our marriage. Many life stresses; bought a house, loss of my job, new pregnancy, new marriage... we started fighting. Horrifically. He said it was my fault, that I'm aggressive, that I instigate fights, that I control him. I honestly can't tell if I do these things or not anymore. I don't think I do. I try to stay on his good side, but, sometimes, I know I do push when I know I should just stay silent. Maybe it is my fault? I mean, sometimes, I just can't handle the silent treatment and I push him to answer me even when he's ignoring me.

He beat me my entire pregnancy. I was on bedrest for bleeding. My doctors suspected; he made me switch doctors. Luckily, my baby son was born and is fine. He is now 8 months old, but the beatings haven't stopped. He says they are my fault; I'm aggressive, I'm the abuser, he's "defending himself" and I won't "own up" to my role as the abuser. He says I ruined his life and I deserve to die.

One time, he gave me two black eyes. That raised suspicion of friends. Now he only beats me in places that the marks can be covered. I claw at him to keep him from killing me. He says those marks are his proof that I'm the abuser.

I'm afraid to go to police. I don't want to lose my children, especially my older son. His bio-father has partial custody. Am I at risk of losing my children if I go to the authorities? Will the scratches I leave on him in self defense discredit me?

If I honestly believe he can change, is there another route besides divorce? After all my pregnancy complications, I still have long-lasting health problems that require surgeries and I can't work. I have no income. I can't make my kids suffer poverty because of this. I don't know what to do. I've know him for 15 years. He was never like this.

Is it my fault?

Will I lose my kids if I report, especially my older son who I share custody with his father (not my husband)

I don't want to get divorced. He's not like this deep down. Is there another route besides divorce?

Thanks.
jess

Answer
Hello Jessica:

I thank you for your inquiry and I am sorry for your pain and suffering. I'd like to first start of by saying "NO You Are Not At Fault That Your husband Physically Abusing You." "Regardless of the circumstances your husband has no right at all to physically assault you.

There is help available to both you and your children. The goal of Social Services and agencies that deal with Domestic Violence is to preserve and protect families from there abusers. You would be within your right to call the police if your husband physically attacks. However you should have a "Safety Plan" prepared just in case you have to leave your home in the advent of an emergency.

Please understand Jessica most all abusers "Blame" their victims for there abusive behavior. It's an abusers way of inflicting emotional control. "Mind Control" is often an abusers way of battering their victims emotions and keeping them in check or in place.

You've explained that your husband has abused you during and after your pregnancy. Your situation sounds very volatile and dangerous for you and your children. I suggest that you take necessary steps to ensure your safety and the safety of your children.

Yes there are several possible ways that you can keep you and your children safe without having to divorce your husband. However your husband must be ready to take full responsibility for his part by admitting he is an abuser and he has to want to get help for himself.

Please realize Jessica YOU Can Not sit around and wait for your husband to do what he needs to do. Your first obligation should be to make sure that both YOU and your children are in a "Safe" place.

To receive additional support and guidance I encourage you to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or visit there company web site at: http://www.ndvh.org/

With regard to the safety of your children unless you decide not to do what you need to protect your children from the abuse Social Services should not separate you from your children. If the unlikely happens and your children are intentionally/accidentally injured during one of your husbands abusive outbursts then YES Social Service will be obligated to step in to protect your children from further harm. This would entail removing the children from the home where the abuse occurs.

Although your husband may not be abusing your children keep in mind that can change at any time Jessica. Some abusers will use the children and cause harm to them just to inflict emotional pain on their spouses. Please don't allow that to happen Jessica because there are resources out there that will protect both you and your children. Remember your children are defenseless innocent victims and they would look up to you for protection.

YES I realize all that I am saying may sound overwhelming and a bit scary, but think of what could happen if you decide not to do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. If your husband seriously hurts you what would happen to your
children?

Jessica I strongly encourage you to take action and contact D.V.H. and they will provide you with additional support and resources that are available to you within your state.

Feel free to contact me again if you need further assistance.

Wishing You Peace

Sincerely,

Susan B. Blocker

Founder

Climbing Out Of The Spiral

http://climbingout.bravehost.com

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