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You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > Will I lose the kids if I report? need help
Domestic Violence - Will I lose the kids if I report? need help
Expert: Dianne Schwartz - 11/2/2009
Question
Hello. I need help and stumbled across this forum.
My husband and I have been best friends since childhood. We married 18 months ago and shortly after found out we were expecting our first child. I have an older child from a previous relationship.
We had "rough times" at the beginning of our marriage. Many life stresses; bought a house, loss of my job, new pregnancy, new marriage... we started fighting. Horrifically. He said it was my fault, that I'm aggressive, that I instigate fights, that I control him. I honestly can't tell if I do these things or not anymore. I don't think I do. I try to stay on his good side, but, sometimes, I know I do push when I know I should just stay silent. Maybe it is my fault? I mean, sometimes, I just can't handle the silent treatment and I push him to answer me even when he's ignoring me.
He beat me my entire pregnancy. I was on bedrest for bleeding. My doctors suspected; he made me switch doctors. Luckily, my baby son was born and is fine. He is now 8 months old, but the beatings haven't stopped. He says they are my fault; I'm aggressive, I'm the abuser, he's "defending himself" and I won't "own up" to my role as the abuser. He says I ruined his life and I deserve to die.
One time, he gave me two black eyes. That raised suspicion of friends. Now he only beats me in places that the marks can be covered. I claw at him to keep him from killing me. He says those marks are his proof that I'm the abuser.
I'm afraid to go to police. I don't want to lose my children, especially my older son. His bio-father has partial custody. Am I at risk of losing my children if I go to the authorities? Will the scratches I leave on him in self defense discredit me?
If I honestly believe he can change, is there another route besides divorce? After all my pregnancy complications, I still have long-lasting health problems that require surgeries and I can't work. I have no income. I can't make my kids suffer poverty because of this. I don't know what to do. I've know him for 15 years. He was never like this.
Is it my fault?
Will I lose my kids if I report, especially my older son who I share custody with his father (not my husband)
Is there another route besides divorce?
Thanks.
jess
Answer
Jess,
He isn't going to change.
All abusers blame their victims or are defending themselves.
His life was ruined long before you.
Stress doesn't cause abuse. It's a learned behavior.
With the police, it can be tricky. They are under pressure to do something and it's sadly "who is bleeding the most?" Both of you could be arrested.
I know you don't want to live in poverty but what you are doing (staying with this loser) is going to do far more damage to them and their future. It will alter who they are. You have to leave and leave now.
Call your local shelter and while it may not be like home, you will be starting a new and healthy life. This man is not going to stop abusing you. You didn't cause it...ok? The longer you stay, the more he will brainwash you into believing his lies. It happens all the time.
Will the father of your oldest want full custody? I can promise you that if he finds out you have been making his child live with abuse and have not done anything to save all of you, he will get custody as he should. This isn't about just you.
Another route beside divorce? Why in the world would you want to stay married to this jerk? What are you getting out of this marriage? Any man that hits a woman is awful but one that beats a woman while she's pregnant is an all time low-life. He should be medicated and put away.
There comes a time when you are no longer a victim and become a volunteer. Get out now! Call a shelter--make arrangements and DON'T tell him what you are doing. Just do it after he leaves one day. No note, nothing. You can have a lawyer contact him. After you leave he will try to convince you that he will change. He can't. This is how women get killed...believing the lies and returning. Trust me on this.
Get out, Jess.
Dianne
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