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About Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Expertise
I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself; BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.

Experience
I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.

Organizations
American Psychological Association—APA; American Psychology-Law Society—AP-LS; House Rabbit Society—HRS; International Association for Correctional and Forensic Psychology—IACFP; National Coalition Against Domestic Violence—NCADV; North Georgia House Rabbit Society—NGHR

Education/Credentials
Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology, Concentration: Psychology Applied to the Workplace, Walden University, Expected: 2010

Awards and Honors
Hope Scholarship Recipient, 2005; The National Scholar's Honor Society, Inducted 2003; National Dean's List, 2001-2002; 2003-2004; Georgia Music Educator's Association, Band-Orchestra, 1991-1992; 1992-1993; Conference Presenter-Clayton State University and The National Archives' Civic Engagement Student Research Conference, Title of Presentation: "North to the Future: The Candidates, Highlights, Factors, and Essential Outcome of the 2008 Alaska U.S. Senate Race"

You are here: Experts > People/Relationships > Marriage > Domestic Violence > Will I lose the kids if I report? Is there another way?

Domestic Violence - Will I lose the kids if I report? Is there another way?

Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas - 11/2/2009

Question
Hello. I need help and stumbled across this forum.

My husband and I have been best friends since childhood. We married 18 months ago and shortly after found out we were expecting our first child. I have an older child from a previous relationship.

We had "rough times" at the beginning of our marriage. Many life stresses; bought a house, loss of my job, new pregnancy, new marriage... we started fighting. Horrifically. He said it was my fault, that I'm aggressive, that I instigate fights, that I control him. I honestly can't tell if I do these things or not anymore. I don't think I do. I try to stay on his good side, but, sometimes, I know I do push when I know I should just stay silent. Maybe it is my fault? I mean, sometimes, I just can't handle the silent treatment and I push him to answer me even when he's ignoring me.

He beat me my entire pregnancy. I was on bedrest for bleeding. My doctors suspected; he made me switch doctors. Luckily, my baby son was born and is fine. He is now 8 months old, but the beatings haven't stopped. He says they are my fault; I'm aggressive, I'm the abuser, he's "defending himself" and I won't "own up" to my role as the abuser. He says I ruined his life and I deserve to die.

One time, he gave me two black eyes. That raised suspicion of friends. Now he only beats me in places that the marks can be covered. I claw at him to keep him from killing me. He says those marks are his proof that I'm the abuser.

I'm afraid to go to police. I don't want to lose my children, especially my older son. His bio-father has partial custody. Am I at risk of losing my children if I go to the authorities? Will the scratches I leave on him in self defense discredit me?

If I honestly believe he can change, is there another route besides divorce? After all my pregnancy complications, I still have long-lasting health problems that require surgeries and I can't work. I have no income. I can't make my kids suffer poverty because of this. I don't know what to do. I've know him for 15 years. He was never like this.

Is it my fault?

Will I lose my kids if I report, especially my older son who I share custody with his father (not my husband)

Is there another route besides divorce?

Thanks.
jess

Answer
Hi Jessica,

    Thank you for taking the time to contact me. My biggest concern from reading your question to me is that you are considering staying in a relationship where you are actively being abused. Why are you doing this to yourself? As to whether or not you will lose your children, probably not, but a judge will make a custody decision if there is one to be made. This man beat you during your entire pregnancy and yet you stayed with him each and every time. Is this the kind of example that you want to set for your children? Even though you may love and be dependant on your husband, that is no excuse to stay with an idiot like him. There is another way, there always is; there is no such thing as having to accept abuse from anyone, please remember that. Men like your husband usually do not change, from my experience. Had I stayed with my ex years ago, I truly believed that he would have killed me, or I would have killed him. That is not a way that anyone should choose to live.

    There are resources that may help. Wherever you live, I would suggest visiting your local family and children's services office to inquire about help from the state so that you can have financial resouces to care for you and your children. If you are disabled, you can file for disability with a doctor's approval, but most people who file for disability the first time get denied, so it is not an easy process. Also, you can research online to find out what kinds of services you can benefit from in your city and state. Even if you have to be dependant on the government to care for you and your children, that is a much better option as opposed to accepting abuse. If you continue to stay, it will only get worse. I would also look into going to a women's shelter temporarily or staying with a friend or family member for safety until you can get back on your feet. Do not stay and accept the way that he is treating you. You deserve better. Filing for divorce is definitely what I would do, but that is just me. I don't see your situation getting any better if you choose to stay. He will keep abusing you and may kill you; too many women are sitting in prison today or dead because of abusive relationships.

    Please find the confidence and the strength to take your life back and to never ever let anyone treat you like garbage again. The following website may be of help to you: http://www.probono.net/dv/. It is a website for pro bono resources for those who cannot afford to pay for someone such as a lawyer to represent them. I hope my advice and resource helps. I wish you well and I want you to take great care of those children. I know you have the power within you to provide a better life for yourself and for your babies. If there is anything else that I can help you with, do not even hesitate to ask. Have a great weekend and keep your head up!

All My Very Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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