Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/16/2009

Question
I got married in the month of May 2008 to a highly qualified, well employed person who seemed extremely sensitive, patient and in love with me. It was an arranged marriage and we were living with his parents in a joint family set up. Since June, our life has been quite rough with him resorting to hitting himself or me over small day to day issues. When he was unable to talk an issue out, he would repeatedly slap himself with his hands or bang his head against the wall till i plead with him to stop. He would make me believe that I was responsible for this behavior and tell me that if i didn't provoke him, this wouldn't happen again.
In July he verbally abused me in public at a beach, caught hold of me and threw my mangalsutra(a necklace that is the wedding band equivalent) on the sand saying i didn't deserve to be married to him. He happened to be furious with me as i hadn't made a cup of coffee for his father. On another occasion, he slapped me in front of his mother as he felt that i wasn't being cordial with his relatives. He even called my parents and verbally abused them for my wrong brought up. In October he once again got abusive over my not calling his parents over a weekend and slapped and punched me leaving my eye swollen. When my parents came over and threatened to go to the police, he was abusive towards them.
He was incapable of having a rational discussion with me, and would land up hitting himself accusing me of driving him up the wall. He hit his head using his hands, or banged his head against the wall. Once he even picked up my slippers and slapped himself. He has always clarified that the abuse was because of me and he wouldn't repeat it.
In a fit of rage, he has broken his phone, thrown his laptop, broken my glasses etc. The weird part was he would make me keep quiet about the violence and make me feel guilty about and I would even apologize.
I had promised myself that i wouldn't put up with this anymore, and moved out when his abuse didn't stop. He refused to see a counselor, and believed that it was because of me. His parents said that he never behaved this way before our marriage and his actions were because of me. Am I responsible of it? Should I help him? He has no respect for my parents, and repeatedly called me a liar when i narrated these incidents to anyone. It seems like there is a personality disorder, can you please tell me what it is?
People he works with  think he is charming and nice, and outwardly we have maintained a happy couple image in front of friends and relatives. What I say has come as a shock to all who know him.


Answer
Dear G3,
This must be a very confusing situation for you and I hope that I can clarify some things for you.  I realize that your culture regards marriage much differently than we do in the West, but abuse should not be tolerated in any culture.

This is abuse, no question.  When someone demeans you, dishonors you, throws things, blames, physically aggresses and does not take responsibility for their own feelings and actions, it is abuse.  There may be some mental illness here if he is violent against himself.  That is not normal behavior.  

The thing that you need to understand is that this has very little to do with you.  These are his issues and his behavior fits the cycle of domestic violence very well.  If he will not see a counselor, then there is little that is going to change his behavior.  Something that I tell my clients in regard to owning our feelings is this:  If I am responsible for my own feelings then I have to handle ME...if I make you responsible for my feelings then I have to handle YOU.  That is what is happening here...he is projecting his feelings on you and then handling you.  You have no control over his feelings so there will never be a resolution if he continues to look to you for resolution.  

Physical violence like this is always a deal breaker in any relationship.  You are not safe with this person as long as he believes that violence towards himself and you is an option.  You do not have the tools to help him...he needs a professional to intervene and then he needs to work LONG TERM on the issues he has which cause him to behave so inappropriately.  You are not responsible for his behavior and if you can remove yourself from this situation, you may seriously consider that.  He doesn't deserve to be married to you!

I truly wish you well as you decide what course to follow.  If you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.  

Blessings,  Kriss