AboutLaura Giles Expertise I can answer questions related to filing charges, support groups, leaving, safety planning, getting a protective order, getting counseling, or staying.
Experience I worked as a domestic violence advocate in the court system. I am also a counselor.
Education/Credentials B.S. Human Services Counseling
Master of Social Work
Question QUESTION: My husband and I were having problems. I became friends with a male co-worker, and I confided in him. My husband went into my phone and saw my messages and call log. The co-worker and I were only talking,my marriage has been a mess for years.
Now, my husband wants to punish me everyday, he wants to know what was said in the conversations, plus he believes that I am lying. Now, he wants to approve my friends and conersations, and visits with family members. He is still checking my belongings, and believes that married people have no privacy.
I know that I can not chanhe him, or make him believe me. I need to get out, but now he is threating to take my kids, and to make my life a living hell.
Please help me, I feel like I am losing my mind.
ANSWER: Dear Maria,
Your conversations with your co-worker are inappropriate. Becoming best friends with someone without your husband's support and knowledge is inappropriate if you want a healthy, happy marriage. Perhaps thinking and behavior like this contributed to your marriage being "a mess for years."
Your husband's response is justified, although he is perhaps going overboard. When there has been a betrayal and loss of trust, it is natural for the betrayed person to want evidence of fidelity. His checking behind you is his way of getting that reassurance.
Still, if you feel that you need to get out, address that issue and what brought you to that conclusion. The emotional affair and his overbearing insecurity are just symptoms of the problem. If you don't address what went wrong, it will just follow you to the next relationship.
You didn't ask a specific question, so if I didn't address your concern, let me know and I will try to give a more targeted response.
Sincerely,
Laura Giles, LCSW
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thanks for your response. I understand, I also had activites going on outside of our marriage, and I forgave him, but he can't forgive me. I want to move forward, but I need him to let the past go. I am wrong for not being able to accept the mental abuse? And can a marriage survivor a sitution like this?
Answer Dear Maria,
If you want to move forward with your husband, the best thing you can do is to try to understand that he needs reassurance that you can be trusted. Allow him to check up on you. The more he finds that there is nothing to worry about, the less need he will have to do those types of things.
If he is controlling and abusive, then that's another issue. Nobody deserves to be abused.
A marriage can survive a betrayal and be even stronger and happier if both parties take it as a wake up call, examine what lead up to the unhappiness and division and work to fix it. A good website for ideas on how to do that is http://www.marriagebuilders.com.
If there truly is abuse, the prognosis is not as good.
