Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 4/8/2009

Question
Hello,

I've been very confused and shocked about an incident I've encountered and I just feel hopeless because I just don't know what to do.

So I recently turned 21 and I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half and I very much care and love him, but something had happened to me very recently and I don't know if I should walk away or stay.

This past weekend was my birthday party. I had just turned 21 and I told my boyfriend that of course I was going to drink.
And that if he could not ruin my night if I were to act careless or stupid because I'll be drunk. But to tell me the next day when I was sober.

Apparently I was acting like a jerk to him that night. And instead of pulling me aside and telling me how I was acting or leaving the party.
He stayed and was boiling up inside.
Then he just snapped.
After I told him to catch my purse (not throwing it at him but tossing it in the air) which he did, but soon afterwards he threw it at me.
Like as if he was throwing a baseball. I wasn't far away, but more like a couple feet away...some part of the purse the strap maybe had hit me on the face.

My friend witnessed it and was pushing him away from me...she was in shock to because well it was random. He's never laid a hand on me, ever.
And well, I just don't know if it was my fault because I was acting careless with him that night, I mean that doesn't give him the right to throw something at me, but well...
I mean we are all human and we all make mistakes.

I don't know if I should forgive him and make up or leave him. I'm just very confused if thats considered a sign of abuse and if I should leave because it isn't safe anymore.
Thank you so much.

Answer
Jennifer,

  I do apologize for not getting back with you in a timely manner. Although you may have resolved the situation by now, I would still like to weigh in on how I think you could have and possibly should handle the situation. First, was this incident really an accident or did he purposely hit you in the face with your purse strap? Without having been there when this occurred or knowing more about the situation, I will treat this as an accident, but I also feel that maybe a part of him wanted you to get hit in the face to get your attention. First, you are very young, so when you say "boyfriend," I thought, what do you know about having a boyfriend? You are at atime in your life where life should be enjoyable and not so complicated. That;s just my honest opinion.

   It sounds as though you were trying to have fun on your birthday and maybe your boyfriend wanted you to just be with him that night and not your friends. If he is possessive and jealous, then he is not right for you. Unfortunately, I would cut my losses and move on. This situation sounds also like there is more to the story than what you are telling me. Maybe it was an accident and maybe not. But you said so yourself that he was acting strange that night, but why? I have no time for foolish behavior and no one should. When people in my presence act strange, that is how I treat them, and I usually attribute it to them drinking or being on drugs. People never act strange for no reason at all; there is usually an underlying issue that they are not communicating. I hope that you discussed this issue with him and maybe you have made progress since then. If you discussed it and you got no where with no answers at all, it is definitely time to move on to bigger and better things. Life is too short for unhappiness. We must live life as it comes at us, be thankful, and remember what we want our legacy to be when we leave here. Leaving behind a legacy of broken relationships and negative situations is not something that anyone should want. Live in the moment and appreciate it while you have it. I wish you well.

Warmest Regards,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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