AboutDianne Schwartz Expertise Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.
Experience Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.
Organizations Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.
Publications This book was reviewed by The Library Journal
Awards and Honors Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."
Question QUESTION: hello. I have a very confusing situation and I am not sure if it is any kind of abuse. my husband and I have been married for a year now. We have a 4 month old baby girl. My husband has a quick and bad temper. He blames it on being a marine for four years and going to iraq. Which I understand to an extent. It started with his drinking. He can drink a whole 24 pack of beer in one night. He drinks every weekend and because of that we always end up fighting. He says horrible things when he is drinking/drunk like "if you werent holding olivia (our baby) id smack the shit out of you". and " and you can just die and so can olivia" but then when he gets up the next morning he says he didnt mean it. But drinking is no excuse right? Then it proceded to when we fought when he was sober, there was name calling, cussing, and when he did something wrong it always ended up my fault or him getting mad at me, making me feel guilty? Ive asked him numerous times to not cuss in front of the baby and he just blows it off and tells me I just need to shut up sometimes because all I do is bitch at him. He also never helps with baby at all. I am a stay at home mom and sometimes he tells me I dont do anything I just sit on my ass. I am scared to ask him to simple tasks around the apartment because he gets mad and if he does the task, its in a rough manner. I ask him not to slam doors, or call me name when the baby is awake or around. Im afraid to ask him about if he has paid a bill because he will groan real loud and says IVE PAID IT! or I WILL PAY IT LATEr. He makes me feel horrible when I dont want to have sex with him. I dont even want to anymore, I just do it to please him. I feel so depressed. I try to keep our apartment very clean and keep our baby well taken care of. I hardly ever go anywhere and if I do go somewhere it is just to the grocery store. Am I doing something wrong? Why do I feel this way? PLEASE help.
ANSWER: Hi Tamara,
You need to sit down and seriously consider if you want to spend the rest of your life this way because statistics show people who verbally and emotionally abuse don't change.
It is a learned behavior and drinking doesn't cause it. It's just his true personality coming out that is always there and the alcohol makes him lose his inhibitions. He can blame Iraq and anything else but it's a lie. Now, he appears to begin to be abusive when not drinking.
Honestly, he does this because he can. You allow it by staying with him. He could get help if he wanted to but it wouldn't just happen overnight. He would have to really want to change but really truly honey, these guys usually stay the same throughout their lives. Only about 2% of them change and that's with long time counseling. Not much hope.
I want you to consider the future of your baby girl and how you will teach her to become a victim when she's grown and what a horrible life she will have if she's raised around him. It's just not fair to either of you.
I will suggest you buy the book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. But, to warn you, verbal abuse can easily escalate into physical abuse and for him to say his little girl can just die is awful. Truly awful.
My first husband was military and a drinker/abuser. Today, he's dying from a shrunken brain from so much drinking and our children, now grown, never could have a relationship with him and he made everyone's life miserable until his brain went. He was a waste when I married him and still is. Don't allow your husband to ruin your life because it's just too short.
All the cleaning and sex isn't going to make him treat you any better. Get out while you're young and rescue yourself and your precious little girl.
Dianne
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QUESTION: hello again! You have confirmed my fears and made me realize that maybe im not crazy. Though after I read your email, my husband had another fight. It escalated into a higher name calling and cussing. I am definately scared that this will turn into physical abuse before long. But too, I am scared because finding a job in this economy right now seems impossible, and if I leave him he could have the baby taken away from me because I wouldnt have a job and that scares me to death. My baby is my everything. And if I have a talk with him about leaving him or divorce, he will get all kinds of angry and possibly do something "in the moment", or kick me out? I am just SCARED.
Answer Tamara,
I know you're scared (been there) but I also know that temporary fear is better than living with it long term and full time.
Call your local shelter and if you can't find one call: 1-800-799-SAFE and they can tell you one close by. The shelter will have the resources you need and can help you leave safely. I know staying at a shelter isn't an idea situation but it won't be forever and right now, you need validation and support.
If your husband happens to get physical it's very important that you call the police so you'll have documentation. Plus, these guys need to stay in jail for a while to get a grip and understand that you aren't going to put up with it.
The shelter will also be able to talk to you about the laws and honestly, I don't believe not having a job will be a cause for the courts to take your baby away. Do you have any family in the area?
My email is: whose_face@yahoo.com so you don't have to go through this site everytime. I want you to be safe but careful.
