AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.
Experience My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Question QUESTION: (I am sorry to have taken up so much space here, but I am so confused and worried and wanted to describe our situation in detail.)
I am 26 and my husband is 27. We have been married for more than 3 years now and were best friends for over 5 years before marriage. My husband is a good and loving person - his decency and genuine affection for me/his family and friends is what attracted me to him in the first place. Despite all the problems we have been having since marriage, I still believe all this to be true.
We had a wonderful relationship before marriage. He was caring, affectionate, respectful, sensitive, friendly - everything I was looking for in my man. We argued even then but things never got ugly. His usual response would be to withdraw from me after a fight. He'd simply put down the phone/walk away and be out of touch for a few hours/days and come back only when he was calm and ready to talk about it again. I resented his behavior but there wasn't much I could do about it. Ironically, this withdrawal probably shielded me from the worst of his temper, I now realize.
Unfortunately, it wasn't as easy for him to withdraw after marriage when we were living together. A couple of months after our wedding, during an especially bitter argument, he tried to walk out of our home and I tried to stop him - first pleading with him and later trying to hold him back. That was perhaps my first mistake. He got really angry when I tried to hold him back and pushed me away roughly. I was shocked and pushed him back in anger, things soon got ugly and it ended with me in tears and him kicking me in the stomach a couple of times in anger.
A few minutes later, when we got back to our senses, I could see he was genuinely shocked and repentant - this was obviously not something he'd planned/wanted to do. I was equally (or more?) to blame - I introduced a physical aspect to the fight by holding on to him. His earlier behavior now seemed to make sense - he needed to be alone to control his terrible temper - I could see that. We both promised never to let this happen again - he'd never hit me again and I'd give him the space he needed after a fight, we agreed.
This was 3 years ago. Unfortunately, we haven't always been able to keep our promises since then. We are usually able to resolve our differences peacefully. Sometimes, when tempers flare up, he warns me to leave him alone, I do, and he comes back to me calm and reasonable again in a while.
Occasionally, however, I am just not able to leave him alone. I want to reason with him, I want to continue the discussion and I hate being brushed off or ignored. I hate to say this, but perhaps I get desperate and force myself on him, or so he says, and maybe he is right. That is when we have our really ugly problems.
Yesterday, we were arguing when my husband tried to withdraw as usual. I don't want to discuss this further he said, and pretended I wasn't there at all. I got angry and tried to get him to talk. Stop now, or things may get out of hand, he warned. But I didn't stop. So he started calling me hurtful names, and asked me to 'shut up' and 'go to hell'. He pushed me off once and made a threatening gesture as if to hit me. And a verbal threat to 'slap me hard'. A few minutes later, he actually slapped me. I ran off crying and the fight ended there.
Something similar (name-calling, rude language and a threat of or an actual slap/push) has happened 4-5 times in the past 3 years. Each time, he is repentant but also says this wouldn't happen if I left him alone when he's angry. Basically, he refuses to take sole blame for his behavior.
It's true, our fights are never violent or even verbally abusive if I let him walk away when he wants to. But I don't think that's any way for a couple to behave. We should be able to talk like adults and resolve our issues without losing our tempers to this extent or simply shutting ourselves off. How do I get him to see this?
He shows no other signs of an abuser - we are equals in our relationship and take joint decisions, we trust each other, I work and move around freely, we have a good social life and he is very good with my friends and family. At home, he is wonderful, except for these bouts of temper. And even there, as he points out, he gives me ample warning to back off. Is it simply my fault that I am not able to give him his space?
It's just that I feel NOTHING justifies a slap or a put-down. (I take days and sometimes weeks to feel affectionate towards him later, or even just to be able to smile or be happy in his presence.) He agrees, admits he has a problem, but says he knows its solution (me leaving him alone) and that I don't help him implement his solution. Are things that simple? Will we be okay if I let him have his way in this?
I am keen to work things out but before that I need to know - does our case qualify as domestic abuse? Are things irrevocably damaged or can we work it out? Will his solution work?
(I really want this marriage to work - I come from a culture where marriages are (or at least used to be) for keeps and a separation would be devastating for me and my parents. Besides, I have not completely lost hope in my husband and marriage yet.)
ANSWER: Dear Debbie,
I agree with you. This is abuse, but it sounds as if there is some hope for change if certain things happen.
In regard to your husband's behavior, there is always something at the root of that kind of anger. He has found a method to cope with the anger, but anger management is not necessarily what its cracked up to be. I prefer anger resolution. Why would you want to control a bad temper when you could address the root of it and do away with it?
The problem that I see with this behavior in your marriage is that you are slowly being conditioned to accept responsibility for his behavior. You are beginning to say..."If I would just leave him alone when he asks me to, this problem would be resolved." That is NOT TRUE. The problem is not yours to resolve, but this kind of statement transfers the responsibility from him to you. To put it in perspective, when he has hit you, he has broken the law. The law would hold him responsible for his behavior, why don't you?
Yes, you are a part of the problem here, but it is natural for people to want to work out conflicts and bring a peaceful equilibrium to the relationship. At this stage of the game, it may not be the wisest thing for you to do to pursue him when he is angry, but ultimately his behavior is his choice and he is responsible for any response he gives, no matter what has provoked him. It is inappropriate for him to threaten to hit you, make threatening gestures etc. That is part of what an abuser does to condition their victim and they do it because it works. You have learned that when he responds in this manner you need to leave him alone. Although that approach works in the short run, it does not work long term. This behavior will slowly degrade your relationship over time and you see the beginnings of that in your emotional response to him now.
I give him credit for what he has learned to do to manipulate his inappropriate behavior, but if your relationship is going to work, he must go the next step and take responsibility for his aggressive behavior and work with a counselor to find out what his triggers are and why they are there. If he has not found that solution by now, it is clear that he needs help.
Abuse has subtleties that need to be seen. The biggest ones are the ways the abuser transfers responsibility from themselves to their victim. It is never the victim's fault for the responses of the abuser, never. He has choices and he is choosing to respond in these ways...he can choose to respond differently. That is what he needs help with...those choices and why he is being driven by anger.
I hope this has helped you. If he refuses to go to counseling, I would strongly encourage you to. Abusers need victims and if you choose to be a victim, for whatever reason, you need to find out why you have made that choice. I understand your commitment to the marriage and I wish you well. Just remember, people can be in emotional divorces as well and we don't fool God by living together. It is the condition of the heart that He looks on, not necessarily the living arrangement. We become divorced from each other in our hearts long before we separate physically. I encourage you to see truth.
If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.
Blessings, Kriss
www.livingwellcc.com
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Let me start by thanking you Kriss - I cannot put in words how much you have helped me. My parents and friends are thousands of miles away in India and my husband is the only person I am close to in this country. The doubts, the shame and especially not being able to share my feelings with anyone was killing me. I am truly grateful for this chance to discuss my concerns with you.
I understand what you had to say but counseling is something my husband would never consider. (Sadly, our culture conditions us to look down upon it, not something I agree with but that's the way it is.) I would like to try individual counseling, and I hope he will not have a problem with that. It is definitely something I will consider if we are not able to work out our problems in the next few months. Thanks for pointing me in that direction.
After being emotionally numb and withdrawn for the past few days, I had a talk with my husband last night. I explained my feelings and pointed out his behavior is termed as 'abuse'. He cringed on hearing the word but did not deny it.
A few things we were able to clarify:
- he did not wish to push responsibility for his actions, even partially, on me
- he still wanted me to leave him alone when he was angry, but his intention was to find a solution to his behavior rather than push blame for his subsequent actions on me
- he was ashamed of his inability to control his anger and did not trust himself enough to repeat promises he has not been able to keep, but he said he'll try his best not to lose his temper in an ugly way again
- he was sure things would never get out of hand if I was able to give him some space
- finally, he understood my feelings and wanted me to reconsider staying in our marriage if it would make me happier to leave
I hate to sound as if I am defending my husband but I do feel hopeful after our talk last night. Short of going in for counseling, this was the best I had hoped for in our circumstances. Let me tell you why:
- this is the first time in 3 years we have discussed his 'abuse' openly (and I owe this to you - I was able to understand and express my own feelings only yesterday)
- I am glad he was able to finally acknowledge and take responsibility for his actions. I feel hopeful this will be the first step towards a change in his behavior.
- I know for a fact that we'll never reach this dark place if I leave him alone when he wants me to (he warns me in a respectful manner many minutes before he loses his temper and there's nothing remotely ugly about our argument before that)
- I like the fact that he isn't giving me false promises or clinging on to me, begging me to stay
The past few months had been good to us and I was finally ready for a baby, something I dearly wanted but had been putting off because of our problems all this time. We had been trying for the past couple of months but now I don't feel ready for a baby again, after what happened last weekend.
I have decided to wait a few months and see what happens. My plan is to help him in his 'anger management solution', never force myself upon him when he wants to be left alone. (Perhaps I owed him this much in the first place? He insists I do.) I agree with you about anger resolution being better than anger management, but I am not left with much of a choice.
This is a tough decision for me and I hate to think I might be choosing to 'be a victim'. Am I? I hope not. Am I being foolish in hoping for so much on the basis of our last night's talk? Please let me know what you think Kriss.
Answer Dear Debbie,
I am grateful that what I said was a blessing to you. These situations are very difficult, but you have a very good grasp of the situation and can articulate it very well.
You were very courageous in speaking openly with him and I applaud you for doing that. There are many women who would be fearful to do that and the response would not have been as good. This speaks to a level of trust that is still within your relationship and that is a good thing. I think your plan is a good one and may be the wisest course of action at this point. Your husband listened to you, which is a very good sign and it tells me that he is sincere, however, with that said, I want you to hear my concerns.
1) Usually, men with anger issues are not able to overcome the problems without help. I understand what you said about counseling and totally respect where he is with that. It is just that the solutions usually come from an understanding that someone outside ourselves can offer, but in lieu of a counselor, perhaps a self help book might give him some assistance. There is a book written by Janet Woititz called Lifeskills for Adult Children. It comes from the perspective of an adult who grew up in an alcoholic home. This may not be the case for your husband, but it addresses anger issues, problem solving skills, listening skills etc. I get all my books from Amazon.com so you could look it up there and see if it would be a good fit.
2) When people begin to make life changes like this, it takes more than a few months. What you want to see is a consistent change over the long term...at least a year. When someone is changing a behavior, it is important to go past the time frame of control or pretense. People can usually control their behavior for three to six months, but you need to give it enough time to explore all the angles. Over the long term, he will experience enough different stressful situations, joyful situations, anger producing situations that you will be able to see a pattern develop. If he has been able to change his behavior, you will see consistency across the board in how he handles himself in a variety of situations...not just once, but many times. Behavior changes come from changes in the heart, not just controlled behavior. Making a decision to bring a child into this situation is worth taking your time to make sure this is a real change. Remember, a child is not going to be able to "give him his space". They don't have the capacity to understand on that level.
3) Your husband is living in a certain level of denial that you don't want to become a part of. He sounds much more aware than most men who abuse, but there is always a level of disconnectedness with this kind of behavior. This is just a caution to you and I'm sure that if you get into counseling, your counselor will discuss this with you. I could recommend a book called the Verbally Abusive Man, can he change? written by Patricia Evans. This is a very direct book and specifically addresses verbal abuse. There are some parts of it that will apply and some that won't, but you are an intelligent woman and I believe you can glean from it and throw away what isn't applicable to your situation.
Truly, I understand the difficulty and I think you and he have a chance at making this better...which is something I don't say alot. However, it really depends on him and if he can't deal with his anger issues beyond just controlling them, there isn't a lot you can do beyond that. Anger is toxic and unhealed emotional issues eventually come out, whether emotionally or physically (like in illness, disease etc)
Please keep me updated on your progress. I wish you all the best and bless you as you move forward with your decisions. I think you are very bright and have a lot of wisdom within you. These are hard decisions, but I know you can find a decision that fits for you.
