Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 4/19/2009

Question
What do I do? I got married about two-and-a-half years ago to a man who is 15 years older than me. To say that he swept me off my feet is an understatement. He was everything I wanted. My girl friends would be jealous when he’d come visit me all the way from Bombay or Kolkata, send me flowers for an occasion or when there was none. He would really really take care of me, shower me with gifts – everything from jewellery and clothes to bags and shoes. He was great with my colleagues and friends. There was no reason I would not marry him. Except that he was in a ‘bad’ marriage already and has two sons. But I was so blind in love that I did not pay too much attention to it and continued to let my head swim and my legs reel under his charm. I should have known from the few times we had a fight. He called me a bitch if I met my male friends, wanted to know the details of my life on the phone, would abuse me if I was late in coming home or in calling him. Still, after stiff family no-no, I married him. His folks are very nice to me. And as you can guess, he swept my folks off their feet, too. And then it started. Fights if I had to go to office on a bandh day, claiming I was going to meet my lover from standard 8! Calling me a bitch. And this holi, he hit me with our little daughter sleeping in the same room. I had my in-laws home and ran to them. He said I should sleep with his friend who I tie a rakhi to, and who was home for holi. That I smoke pot with him, that I have cheated on him and that I should leave the house. As usual, we made up after his parents told me to and he said he was more sorry than I ever know. And then he made a lunge for my throat two days ago, over he insisting I don’t take care of our daughter. I ran for my in-laws again. I don’t know what to do. I feel too weak to act. I don’t know if I can end this marriage. I don’t know if I love him. I for sure respect him less. Will this become a habit? Please remember that I have never said anything mean and hurtful to him. Yes, we have fights and I do fight, but I have never said hurtful things to him despite his colourful past and a failed relationship. I don’t know what to do. If it wasn’t for my daughter I’d have killed myself. I am/was such a positive person. My friends think of me as the most joyful thing to have around. What have I done to myself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I can end this relationship. What’ll happen to my daughter, his parents who love me so much, my parents who were shocked by my marrying him and now a further shock?  Please please please help.

Answer
Dear Ritu,
These kinds of relationships are so difficult and I realize in India that extended family has a lot of influence over relationships but you are the one inside this relationship and have to endure the abuse.

Your husband fits the profile of a classic abuser.  They can be very charming, can't they?  You're right, you chose not to pay attention to the signs and now find yourself in a situation that is becoming intolerable.  I am sure that your in-laws feel they are doing the right thing by advising you to return to the relationship, but to what end?  Unless your husband is willing to take responsibility for his behavior, acknowledge that he is being abusive and choose to take concrete steps to change his behavior towards you, nothing is going to change.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.  Unless something happens to change the dynamics, you just repeat the same cycle over and over.  

He has already crossed the physical abuse boundary and if he is trying to choke you that is serious.  It only takes 11 pounds of pressure around your neck for 8 seconds to kill you.  You asked if this will become a habit....Ritu, it already is.  This is how your husband chooses to deal with conflict and unless he is willing to go to counseling, make choices to change his behavior and acknowledge that what he is doing is wrong, nothing is going to change.  Even with counseling, there is only a 40% chance that he will change.  

The abuse cycle looks like this:  Tension builds, then there is a blow up....when things settle down, the abuser says he is sorry, promises not to do it again and the victim regains hope that things will change, forgives, tries to change her behavior and then things are better for awhile...until the next time.  This isn't about you or your behavior so you are not going to be able to change anything by behaving better, keeping the house clean, staying away from your friends, keeping the child behaved or any of a list of things that the abuser claims are the problem.  The problem lies within him and only he can do anything about it.  When men abuse women it comes from a fundamental lack of respect and honor.  It isn't about love, it is about honor and any man who is willing to physically, emotionally or verbally abuse another person does not consider them valuable.  

The longer you stay in this situation, the weaker you will become and he will treat your daughter the same way.  She will learn that she has no value and that it is OK for men to treat her badly.  Children learn what is modeled before them and if you accept this kind of treatment, she will too.  Abuse can only happen if it is allowed...it takes two people for an abusive relationship to exist; the abuser and the one who allows the abuse.  His family may continue to send you back into the relationship, but it sounds like your family would disagree.  If they can provide you with some support to get out, then appeal to them.  Then, you must find yourself a counselor to help you heal from what has been done to you.  

Abusive relationships are not life giving, they bring death to those who are in them and that is what you feel.  Hope dies, self esteem dies and you become a shell of who you once were.  The longer you stay, the more of you dies.  You can't fix him or control him, you can only control yourself.  For your sake and that of your daughter, please consider ending this situation and getting some healing for yourself.  I know how difficult it is to make these decisions, but once you have a support network and a plan, you can do what you need to do.  

I hope this has helped, Ritu.  I truly wish you well and encourage you get yourself into a safe environment where you and your family can heal and recover.  If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.

Blessings,  Kriss