AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
I have recently separated from my partner of 7 years. We have a four year old
daughter. After a number of times where he has become physical during
arguments I finally said to him enough was enough and asked him to leave.
He left. We tried couple counselling for a few sessions which were going well,
however, we didnt finish those sessions and the cycle began again: where we
would get into a cycle of arguments that eventually end in him being
physical.
The physical part: he doesnt batter. He pushes me onto the ground with his
hands around my throat. Over time I have become increasingly angry and
after it happening several times I began to struggle against him more. This
would inevetibly result in him holding me down harder. He has pushed our
daughter into another room while she has been distressed with our arguing.
He does not waltz into the house threatening and beating me up for no
reason. The arguments are usually based around our differing views towards
parenting. I have been very over-protective of my daughter, wanting to take
on all the discilpining as I have seen the way he has been with me and I am
worried that he will treat her in the same way.
I guess what I am most confused with is - is what he is doing 'domestic
abuse' or is it a severe case of anger mis-management that I could actually
help him to rid himself of? I am so angry, and bitter with him for ever raising
his hands towards me, as I think it is the most deplorable way for a person
who is physically stronger, to treat another person. I know that I can be
difficult to live with, with emotional issues of my own (both my parents died
when I was 16 and I suppose there are a lot of insecurity issues there) but I
know there is no excuse for this kind of aggression.
He has been physical with me about 20 times over our 7 year relationship -
once when I was pregnant. But I have never felt like my life was in danger.
He has never tried to stop me from leading my own life but unconscioulsy he
made me alter my behaviour with him so I could avoid any confrontations
that may lead to him stepping into his unmanageable anger.
Can he change? Will he change? And now he just carries on with his full
social life while I am left at home alone with my daughter. I feel so bitter
about this and there is nothing more corrosive than bitterness.
I have not let him back into the house as I have still not seen any evidence
from him that he takes responsibility for what has happened. He thinks I am
overdramatic and made the situation look worse than it is. I do not trust him
at all and cant even be pleasant to him because I am so hurt and angry. I'm
beginning to doubt myself, maybe it is partly my anger that brought us to
this point.
Ultimately I am heart-broken for my daughter who loves her daddy very
much and has a very close and good relationship with her dad - although she
does know that daddy has a bad temper. He has not abused her though -
but I cant help thinking is that 'yet'.... He has a 17 year old from a previous
relationship and I am pretty sure that he has never laid a finger on her. In
fact, one of his problems is that he is too intent on being dad to the point
that he doesnt want mum to interfere in what he thinks are good ways to
bring up a child.
Which brings me to the next point - I know his father abused his mother for
30 years until she finally left him. And his dad almost certainly pushed him
and his 3 brothers around. With this knowledge the hurt, anger and
bitterness turns to a feeling of sorrow for him and all I want to do is help him.
I am very confused and I apologise for this slightly rambling letter. The main
thing I am trying to work out is can he change and could I ever actually
forgive him? Questions I know only I can answer but I could really do with
speaking to someone who may have been in a similar situation.
With many thanks,
L
Answer Hi L,
If I had a dollar for every time an abused woman asks me: "Can my partner change?" I'd be able to start funding education programs, or shelters, or... you get the picture.
Women always ask because they are not prepared to take the appropriate decision and make up their own mind while there is even a tiny grain of hope. So, I'll answer that question once again:
Can he change? If he really, really wanted to enough and was prepared to commit to doing the work on himself, he doubtless could.
Will he change? Highly unlikely. Will we, here in the UK, get snow in May-June? Again, highly unlikely. It has happened, but I, for one, would not put money on it.
Why would your abusive partner bother to go to the trouble when his relationship works reasonably well for him? He gets off on power and control. And just suppose that he might change someday... How much more time are you prepared to throw away in a relationship that is destroying you emotionally? Weeks? Months? Years? Decades? Because there are precisely no guarantees.
Were he ever to change, which I doubt, he would be more likely to make the effort for his next partner, at the start of a new relationship, than for you.
Can you forgive him? I wonder. Maybe in time you will be able to forgive him, and maybe you won't. I remember asking the same question: what you actually mean, I think, is will I ever be able to rise above the bitterness? The answer to that is a resounding yes: yes, you will. In time. As you heal and move on, you will be able to look at your (ex-)partner's behaviours and feel sorry that he could not find a more constructive and meaningful life for himself. Right now, that is a long way off. Forgiving is not the most useful focus for your energy and emotions.
As regards helping him, for Heaven's sake, forget it. That preoccupation is just so typical of abused women; they forget about their own need and carry on draining themselves emotionally. Yes, there is an agenda there: 'if I can heal him, then we can be happy together', and it is completely muddle-headed for two reasons.
First, you can't heal another person. But for as long as you try, they certainly won't bother to do their own work for themselves.
Second, since you are not in a fit state to heal yourself at the moment, how can you possibly presume to:
a) be able
b) know ho
to heal another human being who is exhibiting some pretty toxic behaviours.
Whatever problems you bring to the relationship, your partner's domestic violence is entirely his responsibility. If he cannot put up with your emotional problems, he should leave, not attack you physically. And you say that you don't feel your life is at risk; how interesting! When someone who is not well disposed towars you has pushed you to the floor and clamped one hand firmly around your throat, you are very, very vulnerable. Added to that, the man is not showing a lot of self-restraint. It wouldn't take much for him to squeeze a little harder one day... Nothing you say leads me to have much confidence in his intentions; he has already crossed the line by being physically violent towards you.
Finally, you say that your partner is a good father. I'm afraid I don't believe that. Sure, he has his cute, loving, touchy-feely dad moments, but a good father would not subject his child to the scenes that your daughter has witnessed. And then there is what she learns about relationships from seeing how he behaves. If his father's toxic behaviour created your partner, what do you think what your daughter grows up with will do to her? Trust me, she will not come out of this unscathed.
He's NOT going to change any time soon, you can take that as read.
