Expert: Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP - 5/7/2009

Question
I finally confronted my husband again about his angry tirades. He recently had 2 episodes: one that involved me and one that involved my son (who is a college student living at home). My son left last week to stay with his biological father and is afraid to come back. This has been going on for some time now and approximately a year ago, I told him that his angry outbursts/tirades scared me. Nothing changed. He would never admit that he'd done anything wrong and immediately talked about divorce after I had suggested separation. He absolutely would not discuss separation and continued talking about divorce and settlement. He said that he saw no other option. So, finally, I agreed and then things changed a bit. He asked me if I thought it was worth saving. After some discussion, I finally gave in and agreed to try to make it work, though he really didn't offer a viable solution to control his anger. He told me that he will take a valium (prescribed by a local doctor to him) when he feels stressed out.

I talked to my son on the phone and he sounds very disappointed that I didn't go through with divorcing his step-dad. Did I make a mistake? I'm so confused. I love him, but hate being afraid and walking on eggshells. I know that I've allowed this to happen, but I just don't know what to do. I suspect that his solution will not work since he got this prescription a year ago and hasn't used it before now - when I was going to go ahead and leave.

Help, I think I made a mistake. Is he just saying what he needs to in order to keep me there?

Thanks for any advice.

Answer
Dear Kim,
Abusive relationships can be very complicated, can't they?  I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you are having and can understand your confusion.  However, the one thing that you need to see, as with any negotiation, there has to be a viable plan that action is taken on.  

Many times, when our loved one promises to change, we accept that because that is really what we want to hear.  However promises without action are useless.  Especially when there are anger issues, steps need to be taken and followed through on in order to effect change.  Your husband is not getting angry because he doesn't have enough valium in his system.  He is getting angry because there is a wound or a hurt inside that gets poked when something feels like the original event.  Unless he deals with the issues that are creating the emotions, little change will happen.  Valium can only numb out the emotion, it doesn't resolve the underlying issues.

The cycle of violence looks like this:  There is an event, then an explosion, then the abuser apologizes and says it won't happen again, then there is a honeymoon period from which the tension begins to build again and there is another explosion.  This cycle continues to repeat, getting more intense with shorter honeymoon periods.  If professional help is not introduced, little will change.  You asked if he is just saying what he needs to in order to keep you there - probably yes.  That is what happens most often...especially when no steps are taken to correct the problem.  This is his problem, not yours or your son's and unless he takes responsibility, unless he really wants to change (doesn't do it because you asked him to) you will continue to repeat the pattern.  

I wish I had better news for you.  Love doesn't hurt and you should never be afraid of someone who is supposed to love you.  If you need help, I would advise you to contact your local women's center or domestic violence organization.  They usually provide abuse counseling and have advocates who can walk with you through any legal process you  need to encounter.  

I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.  This is a hard place to be, but once you get out of it, you will feel so much better.

Blessings,  Kriss
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