Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 5/11/2009

Question
My husband and I have been together for 16 yrs and have 3 children 16, 15 ,6 I am a reck and feel lost, I have spoken to my doctor and belives a refuge is now needed as he is getting so violent with me , this has been an ABUSIVE relationship right from the start but never new until I found a web site that I ticked all the boxes in it , He controls all the money even trys to control my 16 yr olds pays too , he has made me sell all my larger things like car ect and taken the money so now I have no transport unless I get his permission to use his car , He does all the shopping even my personal things ,He pays all the bills but found this morning that I have a large debt owing as he has not been paying mine as he has said he was ,He quote to us all that he owns everything and demands respect for it , my children all want to leave but I dont think they really understand what is involved , Please I am No longer safe or happy here but feel I can't leave with no assistance ,money ,no family close , no furniture or transport I am so scared what do I do as the doctor has said and head to a refuge or do we stay and try and convince him to get help all I do is cry these days and he still puts himself first at ALL times , Please help me What do I do and where can I even start getting help PLEASE....

Answer
Sharon,

First off, getting help begins with you, but you have taken the first step by realizing that this is an unhealthy relationship that you do not need to be in. Why are you still married to this idiot? You have children who need positive role models and you and your husband are not doing a good job of that right now. Children look to their parents as their first example of who to model themselves after. By staying, you are letting your children know that it is okay to be abused and mistreated, but yet, it's not, it never is. You need to leave and I am sure that you know that by now. I cannot believe that you have stayed this long. Why? Your husband is abusive, selfish, and doesn't seem to care about you or your children. If I were you, I would have left a long time ago. I have been there, and situations like this never end well if you continue to stay. He is telling you everything that you need to know by the way that he acts, so you need to be taking active steps to find somewhere else to go, even if you have to stay with family members or in a shelter.  

   Many women have been in your situation, in that they are dependent on their husbands, so they feel that they are trapped and cannot leave. That's a lie, people cannot make you do or feel anything, that begins with you. My advice to you would be to find another place that you can stay temporarily while you sort through things. I do not think that you and your children should continue to stay in this abusive and unhealthy environment. If you want to end your marriage, then the next step would be to file for divorce and let the chips fall where they may.  I wish you well in everything.




Warmest Regards,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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