Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 5/19/2009

Question
My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He has become so controling and it seems like I am his child rather than his wife. He has started calling me names when we argue and making me feel like I am useless. He always turns everything around to put the blame on me. I feel like I should stay true to my vows and just deal with it because I don't want to let God down. But I really can't take anymore. He leaves and stays gone all the time, he tells me what to do and when to do it, and never wants to hear anything I have to say. My feelings don't matter at all to him. I have to walk on eggshells to keep from making mad all day everyday and I am so tired of living like this. If I leave, I know he won't leave me alone though. Please give me some advice on what I can do. Thanks so much!!

Answer
Lynn,

   In response to your question, you have pretty much said everything accept those last final words...I am leaving him. You stated all of those negative things that he put you through in your question, so why continue to stay? If you know that he is treating you in the opposite manner in which you want to be treated, then there is no reason to continue with this relationship. Religious or not, abuse and mistreatment is never an excuse for anything. It sounds as though your husband may have some issues within himself that he may be dealing with or may have never dealt with, but that does not give him the right to treat you as such. Sometimes, when people put themselves into certain situations, they already know what their final decision needs to be, they just need to hear someone else state it, so I am stating this to you right now, you need to leave.

   Some people may believe in sticking and staying, but not me. After the hell and agony that I have been put thorugh in relationships, I have a low tolerance for any kind of foolishness, and if a man thinks that he can talk to me any kind of way and raise his voice and get violent with me, then he has another thing coming. One of the most important lessons that my grandmother taught me was to be a kind person and to have kind people in my life. Kindness should be a requirement for everyone who wants a potential mate, but we often overlook it. People are not property or robots that we can control, and I definitely do not put up with stuff like that. It also sounds to me as though you may have some self-esteem issues as well, actually there is no doubt about it that you do. I recommend that you explore those issues with a licensed counsleor/therapist of your choosing. We have to treat others in the manner that we would like to be treated, and your husband is not doing that. I, of course cannot tell you what to do, but if I were you, and I am glad that I am not, I would have left him a long ass time ago. You do not need this crap. Do better, enjoy life, and always have positive people around you. I wish you well.


Warmest Regards,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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