AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Question I have been married for 10 years. Last week, during a terrible fight, my husband strangled me. I called the police, and he was convicted of 3rd degree assault and sentenced to 18 months probation, with a protective order against him returning to the home during that time.
We are now separated, and I can never go back to that relationship. But I am devastated about the loss of our family. My kids are devastated as well. My husband is required to go to domestic abusers counseling, as well as required sobriety. In your experience, what are the chances that he can be rehabilitated, and we can be a family again?
Answer Hi Lindsey,
That's a difficult question to answer, especially given how little information you provide.
From what you say, I am making two assumptions:
1) that there have been plenty of fights before, and that this one was just worse than the others
2) that your husband is an abusive man and he has a drink problem.
So what are the chances that he can be rehabilitated?
First off, I note that you say you and the kids are devastated at the loss of your family. But is your husband?
Second, you don't say that you are devastated by your husband's violent behaviour and being confronted by a different, homicidal aspect to his character, so my guess is that you are used to quite aggressive, abusive behaviour from him and you tend to minimize it.
Third, your husband has to really want rehabilitation for himself and commit to working at it. Again, you don't give any indication that he does. Abusive men generally will pay lip service to getting help, and then refuse to commit to it. I hear that you do, for your own reasons, but your desire is not enough to trigger his transformation - otherwise the marriage would never have come to this pretty pass anyway.
Fourth, supposing that your husband gets enough, apppropriate professional help and he does do the work he needs to on himself, even that is not enough. You too need to work on yourself. You have lived with this man, you have relationship issues and self-worth issues, and for the relationship to improve radically, you too will have to make significant changes.
Fifth, you both have to get on and do the work on yourselves before you can rebuild the relationship.
These are all preconditions to lasting, positive change.
So in answer to your question: can a marriage recover after abuse? The marriage, per se, cannot; the partners, if they are that committed and prepared to do their own work separately before they get back together, could recover.
Will it happen? It could, just. But it's probably an outside chance. And why would you want a man back who has tried to strangle you?
My guess is that, as an abused woman, you have let your husband take control of your life for so long that not having him around looks even more frightening than having him around does. Having your husband back looks like an easier option than going through all the pain of breaking up the family and taking charge of your own life, and dealing with your children's emotions. But I could be wrong. All I can offer you is my most educated guess.
