Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 6/9/2009

Question
How long will my sister deny to authorities that she is being both physically and verbally abused, yet be willing to tell us what he is doing then deny it to anyone else? Meanwhile when we try to help you she says we are meddlesome, and crazy trying to break up her family. Do we need to tape the conversations or just leave her to her own way of not dealing with it.

Answer
Carol,

   I do think that your sister needs to deal with this in her own way. Of course, as her sister, you should try to encourage her to leave her abuser, but if she chooses to continue to allow him to treat her that way, what can you do? Some people have to learn things the hard way and get hurt and heartbroken in the process. Sometimes, women who continue to stay in abusive relationships are severely injured or even worse, they die at the hands of the their partner. If I were you, I would let my sister know that I am here for her, but that she needs to leave and stop allowing this man to treat her like garbage that he can kick around when he feels like it. Ultimately, you are stressing yourself out by having to worry about her all the time. In the end, if she chooses to stay with him and he keeps abusing her, you and your sister may have to forgo your relationship, but I am hoping that your sister will eventually listen to you and to herself when she become rational, and see that her life does not have to be filled with abuse and pain and that by leaving, she is not only taking stand for her life, but for others as well. If she does not want you or others meddling, then if she is going to stay with this creep, she needs to not discuss their relationship. I would not go so far as to tape conversations, she can leave if she wants, this is an ignorant choice that she is making, so let the chips fall where they may. We are the master's of our own fate. I wish you well.  

All My Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
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