AboutAnnie Kaszina Expertise All questions relating to women's experience of domestic violence and recovery. I am not qualified to talk about men's experience.
Experience 20 years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Since then I have worked with thousands of other abused women to help speed them on the road to recovery. My website www.EmotionalAbuseRecoveryNow.com and blog www.lifemadesimple.typepad.com/abusednomore offer insight, information and support,
Education/Credentials Educated to Ph.D. Level. NLP Master Practitioner. Diploma of Life Coaching.
Question Hi Annie
Let me begin with the starting it is a long story.
I was only 20 whn I got married to this man who lived in Canada , the marriage was arranged by our family priest/guru. He was a good friend more thn a husband, our marriage was never consumated for a long time because I was preparing for my exams if my University and it was a combined to desicion to refrain from the same. And the time came for him to go back to canada while I stayed back in India. After few months whn I landed here , the life was very diff or rather laidback here. He was a diff person here, after coming here I found out he was "gay" and has been seeing prostitues too. Much to my shock he offered me to go around with other men and he can even help me in hooking up. Thts whn I decided to leave him and we had a mutual divorce. After too much pressure from the family again I changed my mind and decided to marry , he (my current husband) was a known person to a distant relative and he knew abt my divorce and everything. He then tried to convince me thru emails tht forget the past and give yourself another chance. We got married and it has been 6 yrs since I am married to him and have a 3 yr old son. This man who is now my husband is a very manipulative and very abusive person. The first 2 yrs of marriage were smooth but as we entered 3rd he showed up his colours. He is controlling, and verbally abusive. There has never been a single day whr he hasnot let me forget my past and has used foul language. While pregnant he took the complete charge of my acct and has tried to push me out of the car. He controls my relations- i shouldnt be speaking with my parents my siblings and has stopped me from contacting friends whom he doesnt like. Over the 3 yrs I have been succumbed to verbal abuse and physical abuse. He has the habit of throwing thinsg at me no matter wht it is. Once he threatend to smash my head with a beer bottle at my uncles place. Now the violence crossed its limits and i had to turn him to the police as he hitted me so hard. We are not living with each other although I am at the family room adn I am right now dependent on him for every need. After his trial he is now a free man, and all his family and firends are telling me to give him another chance should I ?He is fond of his son and so is my son. Its not tht he hasnt acted up infront of him although i have tried to avoid it but he dint stop.
Everyone is telling me for the sake of kid i shud try him out.
He says tht because of my past I was being over sensitive and he cudnt tolerate my behaviour. I know I am very head strong and yes my first divorce really hitted me hard as my culture still doesnt like divorced woman. I am very opionionated but at the same time i did give in to him whnever he needed help financially. Now at this time i have a bad credit and no job and no place to move out. should i give him a chance cause i feel very insecure abt mmy future.
I have verbally and physically had enough but still lacks the courage to move out on him. I am being reminded of my 2nd marriage and how hard it will be for me to live alone.
Please help
N
Answer Hi Nikita,
I wonder that you still listen to what 'other people' say.
'Other people' have helped you get into two disastrous marriages. Now, 'other people' are telling you that you should go back to an abusive man who is verbally destructive and increasingly physically violent.
But then, I guess, 'other people' can afford to be clever like that, because they don't have to live with the damage, do they?
Your culture may not like divorced women, but happily, in Canada, you have more choices than you once did.
One key choice you might like to make now is whether you want to get physically hurt, and possibly killed, if you go back. Because that is on the cards. If your abusive husband never let you forget what you - allegedly - got wrong in the past, he sure as hell wouldn't let you now, if he got a chance. It would be your fault that you left, and he would need to punish you for it, as he saw fit, for as long as you are still breathing. 'Other people' may disagree, but then these 'other people' are not abuse experts; and, just maybe, they have their own agenda over and above your safety and happiness.
Another key choice for you is whether or not you want your son to learn how to be an abuser or a victim. If you go back to your husband, your son will learn that the world is an abusive relationship, and will replicate the pattern that is so damaging.
If you leave, in the short term, it could be difficult financially. But you will find the courage, as we all do. And you will have the opportunity to create a better life for yourself and your son.
It can never, ever, be harder to live alone than it is to live in an abusive marriage. At the very least, you will know when you wake up in the morning that you don't have to fear the temper tantrums of a hostile, unloving husband.
Good luck. Trust your heart, trust your intuition. Thank 'other people' for trying to help you and let them run their life, while you take over running yours. You may be surprised how good at it you can be.
And before you ever think of having another relationship, take the trouble to discover what you want your relationship and your partner to be like, what you will settle for, and what is intolerable to you.
