AboutChardonnay Nicole Thomas Expertise I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive
Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself;
BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.
Experience I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.
Organizations American Psychological Association—APA;
American Psychology-Law Society—AP-LS;
House Rabbit Society—HRS;
International Association for Correctional and Forensic Psychology—IACFP;
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence—NCADV;
North Georgia House Rabbit Society—NGHR
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology, Concentration: Psychology Applied to the Workplace, Walden University, Expected: 2010
Awards and Honors Hope Scholarship Recipient, 2005;
The National Scholar's Honor Society, Inducted 2003;
National Dean's List, 2001-2002; 2003-2004;
Georgia Music Educator's Association, Band-Orchestra, 1991-1992; 1992-1993;
Conference Presenter-Clayton State University and The National Archives' Civic Engagement Student Research Conference, Title of Presentation: "North to the Future: The Candidates, Highlights, Factors, and Essential Outcome of the 2008 Alaska U.S. Senate Race"
Question hello,
I am married since last 3 years. Right from the begining I came to know that my husband has too much of controlling issues and anger. I managed to understand what thhings he doesnt like. so I continued to do or live as he wanted. though he abused me physically two three times during first year of our marriage and verbally many times. I always thought if am not wrong he will understand some day. Then he called upon his friend who underwent a surgery and I did whatever i could for his friend. He was very happy with my behaviour and since I had lot of hobbies/talents like painting, singing crafts cooking etc. I kept my self busy and life went smooth, he understood at that time when he hurts/ hits me I never blamed him. I found him guilty all the time so I started explaining him how we can together make a beutiful life. An year after his parents visited us for six months. Every thing was going ok. after they came I thought living with parents will make him realize and understand things better. His mom slowly started abusing me verbally. whenever i had fever she abused me . I never told my husband about his mom. Slowly she understood that i dont tell anything against her and she took the advantage. she knew her son loves her a lot and she can now say against me and her son will do what she wants. I heard from other family members that my mother in law was also abused physically. Now my husband and mother in law thinks that its very normal and ok to physically abuse a wife, since she also faced all these things so why not me?? during their stay my husband never hit me but he scratched me in our bedroom with his fingers whenever got angry. His mother said to him many times that i dont respect her . when my husband got angry at me he said if you dont respect my mom you have to go out of my life. I was so terrorized that i replied she is like my mom why would i not respect her ? why she thinks i dont respect her. what i did? He answered you cooked this and that but not made sweets what my mother wanted and asked you to make a day before. I said i planned to make it tomorrow as there are already few in the fridge and since both your mom and you are diabetic who will eat lots of sweets. That was my disrespect towards my husband . I am answering him is my disrespect. These things happened many times . Finally I had meningitis. Was on bedrest for a month. that time they gave me all the thhings to eat but for 10 days they didnt give me medicine that doctor referred after 10 days my husband started giving me medicines and asked me to not to tell his mom i had medicines. at that time after 12 days she started abusing me again what all illness do i have etc..... i had severe head ache and couldnt tolerate high pitch sound when she yelled at me when her son was in office. I asked her to get out the room that she reported to her son that i disrepected her asking to get out the room. he came back yelled at me pushed me and threw me on my bed. I said you all are inhuman i cant stay like this. After that he apologized the next day. I recovered and came back to India to visit my parents along with my inlaws. it was feb 2008 i stayed with my in laws for a month and my husband kept on abusing me after listening to what his mom reports what i did whether i cooked well or not etc etc...he abused me verbally that because of me they are diabetic. After a month i started to fight and argued a lot. april 2008 i went back to US to stay with my husband thinking that was all temporary adjustment problems.
his mom continued to call my husband saying how i disrespected her, etc... he yelled at me and then i argued for what i never did she made a story out of nothing ..i asked him to go and get proof if i did so... he came to me agressively tried to hit me but i took knife and to avoid the situation i went out of the house. Our neighbours called 911 and police came ... i explained the situation and they gave him a restraining order against him. they asked him to stay away from me the whole night.
I thought it will be hard for him now... wqe had to leave the apartment we bought a new house and were happy after moving. his mom continued calling him and said very dramatically how bad i am and how she is hurt with my behaviour. Whenever i called her and asked mom how are you doing? she bursted out saying you dont even know how i am ... Slowly i thought she doesnt like me or she has some problem . it was her call that made him angry and day by day he went abusive again. he started yelling at me if i said i never did those things your mother has some missunderstandings dont react directly after listening to her ....at least give me a chnace to explain my point too.......he never listened and just badly hitted me.... he did hit my head against the floor, and punched on my face ...i had brusses etc......slowly i was depressed. he started calling his frinds every week ...and never allowed me to use dishwasher, drier etc...... i felt as if am like a servant ..... though i am a doctorate and family is important to me .....i couldnt do anything to cure my depression. I stopped talking to his parents that increased his anger. I said unless everything goes better between us I will not interact with them. he abused me physically every week after talking to his mom and apologized the next day .... and asked me to accept criticism that i never deserved. I started shouting after being beaten badly. whoever called me i started telling everything to them as a result os frustration. He felt that am telling everyone about him not about me how bad i am ...so he is being forced to hit me aar batter me. nov 2008 we went for an outing both were happy, talked a lot to work out things. i asked him just not to react on what his mom says. just avoid it. he said ok but again he styarted controlling issues .he shouted on me seeing bills ..which was as low as 35$ -70$.
he apologiozed after that too and said he will ot repeat it again but he always repeated after talking to his mom.
Jan 2009 i came to know my inlaws are again coming to visit us for few months. Now i adamently said there is nothing go well between us and you are again trying to ruin our lives. I will not interact with mom in law . he got angry and asked when i want to go ? I said ASAP. he booked tickets for feb 2009 to june 2009 and told me that his mom will visit him during this month so i can go now and come back by june. I was ok. Now he started abusing me and terrorising me if i dont come back by june he will do something some harm to himself etc......i came to know from his relatives that they will reach our place once i reach. again the same situation will repeat ...she will make stories ... and he will start abusing me all through the year.... remembering what he did and how he abused me ...i decided not to go now..... he is still terrorising me not to tell anyone about his mom....... since i got a saved chat transcriipt of his mom and him chatting against me after which he beated me badly. Listening to his abusive words i told one of his family members what all i suffered. and how they treated me and now they are blaming me and my parents for all this. am i responsibly for being beaten?? Are my parents responsible for suggesting me to try to work out things better??
Now i just cant tolerate all these things and since he is going rude to me day by day.. i have discovered that he uses abusive language for my parents too that is totally inhuman . they want us to shut our mouths and to tell anyone what they did and just keep respecting them . he terrorized me saying if i dont speak to his parents he will not leave me . He knows that he abused me and i have proof of the restraining order. Can it be helpful to me if a file case against all of them for domestic violence and physical torture for whole year?
Answer Meghan,
If you are being abused, you need to get out of that situation as soon as possible. I do not understand why you have allowed hm to treat you this way for this long, husband or not. The good thing is that you have been married for a very short time, but the bad thing is that if you do not get out of this relationship, it will get worst, trust me on that. I have been there. No matter how much you may try to reassure yourself that things will change and that he will change, he will not. If he and his parents have been physically abusing you, you should have called the police and pressed charges. Abuse should never be tolerated, ever.
What you should be in the process of is filing for divorce. I really do not see this situation working out for the better. Yes, some people are capable of change, but when someone has abused you, in my opinion, sorry is never good enough, so why continue to tolerate it. It is clear that your husband and his family has no respect for you. You are not responsible for cooking his meals or cleaning his house, that is what housekeepers and chefs are for!! Yes, I said it, because that is the way that it should be in my opinion. You cannot make those kinds of demands on someone. And if he wants those things and has such a problem with you, then maybe he should have married his mama!! I hope you realize that there is life beyond this setback. A situation like this may seem inevitable, but things will get better. It is not your fault that this has happened to you. You did nothing wrong but try to be in a marriage and be a wife to a man that you thought you had a future with. This is why I wish people would really take the time to get to know the people that they choose to date and get involved with, and also knowing themselves beforehand. So many people seem to be in such a rush to find someone, which is half of the problem--desperation--which is never attractive. I really hope that things improve for you and that you find the strength to move beyond this bad relationship. I wish you well.
All My Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
AllExperts.com
"Strong people cannot be defeated."
~Danielle Steel
