AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.
Experience My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Question Hi. I have a girlfriend, age 19, who is engaged to be married this August. They've been dating 8 months. Her fiance was raised in a home with an abusive (verbal and emotional), controlling father who was also addicted to porn. I don't think her fiance treats her very well, and i have heard him call her names and talk down to her at times. Other times he is really fun and good to her. His mother talked her and warned her that he shows signs of behavior of his dad after witnessing and hearing him talk to her. But his fiance says he loves his mother, but that the counselors they went to before divorcing made her crazy and irrational. That the divorce was her fault. My friend saw that he was looking at gay/lesbian porn on his computer and broke up with him - for like 2 days - and since then he has been on his best behavior, treating her really good and buying her clothes etc... I'm worried about her but she says she loves him and that people shouldn't judge him by his dad. There are lots of red flags to me, but how do i get her to see them? He also still sucks his thumb and he is almost 23. Is that a sign of insecurity or just a habit? Thanks for any advice you can give me. Megan
Answer Dear Megan,
There are definitely red flags here and at 23, a person should not be sucking their thumb.
Denial is a strong emotion and it is difficult to help people when they refuse the help. Please go to my website at www.livingwellcc.com and click on library. Go to the abuse box and download the article "The Cycle of Domestic Violence". This is a visual of what she is doing and perhaps if you show it to her, it might help her wake up. You are describing typical abusive behavior and if your friend doesn't understand this, she will be committing herself to a very unhealthy situation.
If you can convince her to get some abuse counseling it might help. Check with your local women's center and see what they offer.
Looking at porn is one of the symptoms of sexual addiction and it is a definite red flag to future intimacy issues. If he is not able to accept responsibility for his behavior, blaming others for his anger or his problems, this is also a major red flag where conflict is unable to be resolved unless the victim accepts responsibility for things she did not do.
Your friend needs to understand that she will not be able to change him and that there are definite concerns here. If she doesn't, she will become another domestic violence statistic, because that is where it's headed.
If you need further assistance, please feel free to contact me again. I wish you both well.
