Expert: Susan Blocker - 6/6/2009

Question
I have been married for 7 years now we have 2 kids one mine from a previous relationship and one together. In the past 5 years my husband has become angry and even abusive he puts holes in the wall and hits me, calls me names and I hate to walk on egg shells around him. When ever something happens to enrage him for instance the kids not listening I step in and divert his anger on to me even tho he has never hit the kids or anything I step in just in case which he says causes him to hit me. He says I provoke him because I run my mouth. He claims he cant help it so today I made him go to the doctor and we told them everything I told him he has to follow everything the doctor says or I am leaving. So they placed him on Prozac and sent him to a counselor. On the way there he informed me he is a normal person and I am the one who makes people crazy and he says this because my ex was also abusive and was a big meth user so he goes on to say that I made my ex nuts and I am doing it to him. Do you think I could honestly be making people abusive? As we get to the counseling center he is is mad screaming at me in the parking lot so we go inside and we get the paper work to fill out to set him up with someone and I also get marriage counseling papers which he tells me not to fill out. We then begin to argue sitting in the waiting room until we leave. My husband gets upset over the smallest stuff If he dosent get his ways he throws stuff and breaks it only mine and the kids stuff never his. He has put multiple holes in the walls and has hit me at least once a month he says its cause I am a man hating person who puts him down and treats him bad I do want to leave him but I did tell him this is his last chance. So do you think I could posibly be making him be abusive or is it all him?
Thank you so much for your time

Answer
Hello Bonnie: I thank you for your inquiry. I want to assure you that you are NOT in any way responsible for your husbands abusive behaviors. Most abusers tend to blame there abusive behavior on their victims. As human beings we are responsible for our own actions. Abusers find it easier to blame their faults on others rather then dealing with there own personal issues.  

The good thing is that both you and your husband is seeking outside  counseling and support. It sounds as though your husband may have trouble managing his anger. This type of behavior can stem from a variety of reasons including issues that surround his upbringing as a child.

Bonnie please understand YOU are in no way RESPONSIBLE for his bad behavior. Your husband is an adult and he and he alone is responsible for his actions. No matter how upset your husband may be he has no right or excuse to abuse you or your children. There's always a positive alternative to hitting or being abusive.

You and your husband took the first positive and BIG step and that is to seek outside help and support.  

I understand that you love and care for your husband and leaving a spouse can be a very hard task. Remember Bonnie your first priority should always be to YOU and your children. When/If you consider leaving your husband keeping you and your children "SAFE" from your husbands abuse should remain your top priority and focus.  

Although your husband has not abused your children think of how his abuse towards you might be affecting your children emotionally. Some children grow up to mimic what they've seen and experienced as children.

Bonnie I wish you and your husband peace and if I may be of further assistance I encourage you to contact me again at your convenience.

Peace & Serenity
Susan B. Blocker
Founder
Climbing Out Of The Spiral
http://climbingout.bravehost.com