AboutChardonnay Nicole Thomas Expertise I am someone who is highly experienced in the fields of Domestic Violence and Abusive
Relationships. I have been in my share of abusive relationships and I have also studied this field. I feel that it really takes someone who has been there and been abused to really understand what other women go through. I have been in unstable relationships that involved physical, mental, emotional, psychological, and verbal abuse. At that time, I felt as if there was no way out, but there is. I didn't think that I could make it, but I did, I didn't think that I could be strong, but I was. There were times when I was constantly being put down and my self-esteem was lowered. I know that you do not have a good feeling about yourself when someone who claims to love and care about you tells you that you are worth nothing and will never be anything out of life. I had to get away from that. I wanted my life to be positive, and now it seems to be. I still have days when I think about what I've been through and I feel melancholy, but I know that I'm okay now. I know now that I am strong and that I can make it through anything. I no longer allow people to disrespect and mistreat me, that doesn't sit well with me now. My standards of how I should be treated are much higher than they used to be. I feel that women especially, should always aim for the best, and never, ever settle for less than you deserve, because if you do, then you get what you settle for. I'm here to offer my expert advice to women who have experienced domestic violence and other forms of abuse throughout relationships. Remember, there is hope, so don't give up on yourself;
BE CONFIDENT and BE STRONG.
Experience I have been in several abusive and unhealthy relationships that have given me the life experience that I have today. I am no longer ashamed to share my views and personal stories on how I survived domestic violence. I persevered through so many negative situations in my life, including abusive relationships, by having faith, and using the strength that God gave me. I learned a long time ago that life is not fair, and there is nothing that anyone can do about that; but we only have one life, so therefore we need to live it the best way that we know how. If people only realized how little time we do actually have here on this Earth, many people would not take so many things for granted. Tomorrow is not promised, but I know that if I stay on the right path towards life, everything will turn out okay. When I look back on my past, it's the good things that give me a more positive outlook on life; different times in my life where I was doing different things/activities. Some of my credentials and greatest accomplishments are throughout Dance and Music. For almost ten years I was a classical dancer. I excelled in Ballet, Jazz, and Pointe, but Ballet is my first love and always will be. I received awards, trophies, and numerous certificates throughout my years in dance. I also used to participate in an Orchestra where I played the violin. I received many certificates, awards, and medals throughout my time playing. I have also made The National Dean's List for the year's 2001-2002, and 2002-2003; as well as The National Scholars Honor Society in 2003. Not only that, I have volunteered with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) in the past, and will continue to do so in the future.
Organizations American Psychological Association—APA;
American Psychology-Law Society—AP-LS;
House Rabbit Society—HRS;
International Association for Correctional and Forensic Psychology—IACFP;
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence—NCADV;
North Georgia House Rabbit Society—NGHR
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Science Degree in Psychology, Concentration: Psychology Applied to the Workplace, Walden University, Expected: 2010
Awards and Honors Hope Scholarship Recipient, 2005;
The National Scholar's Honor Society, Inducted 2003;
National Dean's List, 2001-2002; 2003-2004;
Georgia Music Educator's Association, Band-Orchestra, 1991-1992; 1992-1993;
Conference Presenter-Clayton State University and The National Archives' Civic Engagement Student Research Conference, Title of Presentation: "North to the Future: The Candidates, Highlights, Factors, and Essential Outcome of the 2008 Alaska U.S. Senate Race"
Question Hello Chardonnay,
I am two and a half years after divorce. We share custody of a 7yo son (alternate weeks). My ex has been in a relationship with a much older man since before we separated (tho'she only told me about it months after we split). At first I blamed myself for the break-up. I kept clear of her and did nothing to interfere with her new life. I even volunteered to leave the house and to take the major cost of the divorce, just so we could all live close to our boy's school. However, she has seen fit to vent anger at me on many occasions. For example, 7 months after divorce she expressed her fury at not being invited to my house for a dinner (with our son's teacher and friends). I thought this was crazy but it was portentous of what has followed in the 2 years since.I have owned up to my part in things, put out olive branches, am never abusive towards her...but she has never once owned up to any part of our separation, nor acknowledged my many expressions of goodwill. She once told me her anger at me was justified because I provoke her (she hit me about 6 times when we were together, with full force and has never apologised for this). Now, I don't expect an apology, nor acknowledgement.
Last October, she dumped her bf and asked if we could get back together! I told her we could at least see how things went but it would take time to build trust. I was prepared for months; she lasted 2 weeks before she said 'we aren't good together' and we could be 'great friends.' WE hadn't even been out together; just a few family dinners only. Then she went back to her bf and into venting at me when it suited her. DShe talks to me as a mother to a child. I have given up having coffee sessions (we had about 10 and she walked out on 7,; she takes disagreement as criticism, as if she can't be criticised) On occasions she is very complimentary to me. For example she recently said she really enjoyed my company, that I was funny and that it was good to see me. I don't believe these comments are anything other than controlling. She recently presumed to warn me off a woman she doesn't like (I'm not in a relationship). She recently brought up something that happened 6 years ago (which had nothing to do with me anyway)almost as if she wants to maintain a rage. The list is long...
Now,today, tho' it hurts me to think that two parents who have such a lovely boy can be this way, I accept that that's the way it is. I don't even want to have banter with her, or talk about the weather, share a joke. This is not my nature, but with her I feel I must be quite cold. Is this ok?
Answer Hi Paul!
In response to your question, abuse should never be tolerated. Even though you are a man who has experienced abuse from your ex-wife, you should not be tolerating this. One minute she's sweet and the next she's violent, this is the classic cycle of violence that will continue unless you take a stand and make it stop. It sounds as though you both still have feelings for each other, but when there is abuse, disrespect, and mistreatment involved, I never recommend that couples stay together. Life is way too short for this kind of foolishness and you need to understand that. I have been where you are and it's over, it will never happen to me again. I took that vow six years ago and it has not happened since and will never happen to me again. You need to move on from this and focus on your son and on making a new life for yourself without your ex. She obviously needs help, but she needs to realize that. Of course, the ultimate decision is left up to you, but I will tell you that abuse has no place in any relationship and sorry is never good enough, never. Of course you can forgive, because it allows many people to positively move forward easier, but it does not mean that you have to continue tolerating this. If I were you, I would cut my losses and move on. The only contact that you both should have should be to discuss your son and that's it; boundaries need to be established. I hope that I have helped you in some way and that you make the most sound decision in the end. I wish you well.
All My Very Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Advisor,
AllExperts.com
