AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.
Experience My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Thanks for taking the time to read this and respond.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday. We were both emotional, but
about different topics. We do not have a history of violent arguments or
verbal abuse, so this was a first. In fact, we rarely argue at all.
He was very upset and I told him he needed to watch it before he would say
something he couldn't take back. He kept on going and said he would "smash
my face in." A little while later, the argument started up again. Again I told
him to stop now because he was in danger of saying something he would
regret. He repeated that he would smash my face in. I asked if that was a
threat. I don't remember his specific response, but he basically said that he
would follow through with his words.
That evening, we talked about it again and he justified his threats. In an email
written that evening, he again reiterated that his intentions were violent.
The next day, he said he was sorry and never should have said those things.
I feel like his actions are totally unacceptable and I have no choice but to
leave. I feel like the trust is destroyed. He is asking me to stay. What should I
do?
Answer Dear Lotus,
I can only imagine how scary this is for you. You didn't mention how long you had been married, however what you are describing is the cycle of domestic violence. If you go to my website, www.livingwellcc.com and click on library, you will find an article titled "the cycle of domestic violence" under the abuse category. Take a long look at that because you may need that information.
Since your husband has confirmed violence against you, I can understand the broken trust and that is a big consideration. If you want the relationship to continue, he should look into a medical exam as well as counseling so he can work out the issues that underly the aggression. There is NO justification for violence against a spouse and if he feels justified in his actions then you must make some decisions about your safety. Assault is against the law, domestic violence is against the law in some states so again I say, there is no justification for his decisions. It sounds as though you have a written threat, through email. Keep that as it will document any further actions you may take. You would be wise to consider leaving as an option. Go back only when you actually SEE action taken on his part that produces the RESULTS that you want to see. Now that you are in this cycle, words are pretty meaningless....you have to see action. Don't go back until you know in your heart that trust can be given, that a counselor believes he has dealt with his violence issues and then think about it again.
If you have a local women's center or domestic violence organization, give them a call. They usually have counseling at little or no cost to victims of abuse and this qualifies. You may need some support in order to make the decisions you are faced with. Denial will not be your friend.
I wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.
Blessings, Kriss
"Denial is the devil's dessert after a meal of your soul."
