Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 6/22/2009

Question
Hello, I have been in an abusive relationship until about 1 year ago. I was with my ex-husband since I was 16 and I am now 23 years old. I knew I needed to get away from my ex not only for myself but for my daughter. He was physically, mentally and verbally abusive to me. My problem now is I have moved on and was recently dating up until 3 days ago a wonderful man. I have recently broke it off with him because my ex-husband found out we were dating. Even though my new boyfriend is in the air force and recently stationed in Mississippi, my ex-husband has threatened to harm him so I broke it off. I didn't want to drag him into my mess. I have moved several times and he has always found out somehow where I live and work. We don't have mutual friends, so I know it is not through them and I don't let his mom find out because I don't want her to be put in that situation if he found out she knew.  I have a restraining order out on him and have even took him off child support so that way I can just be done with him. But that didn't work. He still calls my job, my cell phone, comes by my house in the early am's after he has been out all night drinking. I am so terrified to call the police because I am afraid he will come out of jail and end up hurting me. He has access to guns through his god mother, she has hid them several times, but he manages to always find them. I feel like my only option to be away from him is moving out of state and starting my life somewhere else without telling anyone where I am. I don't want something to happen where my daughter will be without a mother. Do you know if there is anything else I can do to keep him away. Like I said I got the restraining order, but do I really have to relocate and lose the really good job I have and my family? Please help if you can?

Answer
Hi Jessica!

   I must say that you have my empathy for what you are going through. Before taking drastic measures such as moving, and you may very well have to, I would suggest talking to a detective at your local police station and explain to them that you do have a restraining order and that your ex continues to harass you. In a lot of cases like this, the police can be of no help until something actually happens, and it is usually too late when situations like that occur. If an officer or detective can be of no help to you, then maybe speaking with an attorney can bring some solace to the situation. And after that, if these incidents of contact still occur with your ex, then moving away may be your best solution. No one should have to start a new life because they need to feel safe, but it has worked for many women. I have not experienced what you are going through to that extent but I have had exes who would not leave me alone and usually when I get the law involved, they stop because they dp not want to go to jail or prison, so I have been lucky, fortunately. Now look, if is violating this restraining order, then you need to call the police and let them deal with it. If you do not call the police when he violates the order, how do you expect them to help you? That alone will frustrate the police and then when your ex goes too far with his behavior, the police will definitely say that you should have called them.

  The first thing that you need to do is what I have already stated. And when this fool contacts you again or comes by, call the police and they can take it from there. If all else fails and his behavior continues even after the law has gotten involved, then maybe starting over in another state may be your best bet. I wish you well.      



All My Very Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Advisor
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