Expert: Chardonnay Nicole Thomas, B.S.Psy. - 7/4/2009

Question
Hello Chardonnary,

I have finally decided it's time to leave.  I've seen a bankruptcy lawyer but he can only discharge my debts and obsolve me of responsibility for the two mortgages and addition $30k credit card debts.

My thinking is that if my spouse has to pay two mortgages and credit card debts, there's very little left in finances to divide between us.  So I asked my spouse about also filing bankruptcy and he agreed (not knowing I've started the process for myself).

My question is:  Why am I still filled with so much anxiety I can't focus on finding a job, apartment?  It's not love, desire to make the marriage work or any of the things that are classical reasons about the relationship.

I still feel trapped but in my own body, can't sleep or eat.

I wonder if joint filing is best. The lawyer says, "just take care of me". But he gets to file simple for me and more complicated with me and my spouse.

Second: I keep making the same mistakes over and over again even after I've vowed not to.  I paid this lawyer who moves very quickly, did not consider my best interests, tide me to an agreement which he did not fully explain. When he did explain it, it did not include some things I read later.

The anxiety I felt, seeing the lawyer alone caused me to move too quickly for my own nerves.  Why can't I say, "No, let me think about it?" This has caused me to once again question my ability to make decisions. I'm not stupid; I do think before I act; but people who push seem to be able to get me to do things I don't want to.

Please advise. Any suggestions?

Thank you.

P.S. I moved back to Florida from New York, tried to email you but don't know if you received it.

Answer
Hi Linda!!!

   I am glad that you are on the pathway to rebuilding your life, but you must realize one thing, you are human, so as you continue to go throughout life and as I have learned you will continue to make mistakes, but the beauty is in learning from them and learning to correct your behavior so that it does not happen over and over again. As far as your legal situation goes, I would look into getting a more reliable attorney, I mean this is your life we are talking about and not every lawyer is going to have your best interests at heart and many of them just want to get paid and could care less about their client.

   Furthermore, no one can make you do anything that you do not want to. I really like this quote that I just learned: “In order to be walked on, you have to be lying down," by Brian Weir. If someone takes advantage of you, it is because you allow them, and people only do what we allow, right. I just think that you have been through a lot and you are trying to redefine yourself, and I think that you have so much potential within you. Moving on is never easy, but it is a necessary part of life. I have been there. Time is also what has helped me. I was hurt by someone recently, but I know that life will still go on and it will pass me by if I let it, but I do not plan on doing that.

   If finding a job and another place to live is what you want, then just do it. Find your inner strength and motivate yourself into reaching your goals. Your relationship is over and you must accept that. Moving forward after a relationship has ended is kind of like grieving and it takes time to heal, but time heals all wounds. All of the negative things that I have experienced have made me a stronger person and I am grateful for them. I may not understand some of the things that have occurred in my life, but I know that they were all for a substantive reason in the end. Realize that there is something bigger and better in store for you and that you can conquer anything.

   Sorry to hear that you left New York!! I am still considering moving there. I have always hated Florida, way too hot and humid for me. I am a winter person!! I wish you well in everything!! Please email me at cnthomas@mail.com and I will give you my direct contact email. Hope to hear from you!! Take care.




All My Best,
Chardonnay Nicole Thomas
Advisor
AllExperts.com




“Giving up doesn’t always mean you are weak. Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go.”
     -Author Unknown

“All you need is within you, waiting to unfold and reveal itself.”
     -Eileen Caddy


“History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”
     -Maya Angelou