AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.
Experience My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Question I need to know what to do about a neighbor in an abusive relationship. She and her two children moved in with her boyfriend about 4 1/2 years ago. After about a year, we were woken up in the middle of the night to her screaming. We tape recorded it. The boyfriend (now husband) was beating her son. She was yelling to him to put "Ryan" down. He claimed he wasn't hurting him. "Ryan" at this time was about 13 years old. "Ryan" was screaming that he wasn't "going to let him hit her anymore".
The daughter moved out shortly thereafter. The wife became pregnant and the couple now are married. They have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. We can hear him hitting her. We can hear her screaming. She had left previously on a PFA, but she came back to him. The police tell us there is nothing we can do until she files a report. I am worried for the kids.
This man is totally over controlling. He bulies the other neighbors in the neighborhood into keeping there mouths shut. I refuse to bow to him. He threatens my guests and has his dog trained to attack anyone of color. My family is married interacially. He is forever threatening everyone around him. The police keep telling us there is nothing they can do because it is a civil matter.
Other neighbors have witnessed him abusing his dog, as well as me. 2 months ago the wife's arm was in a sling. She said she tore her rotator cup moving furniture. I am a teacher and I know thats not true. She has black and blue marks going up and down her arms and last week we noticed a black eye. I haven't seen her (I've heard her) for over a week. She isn't coming outside anss I suspect she may be more seriously injured.
Last week I overheard an argument in which they were fighting. She accused him of beating her and he dared her to leave. She is not allowed to hold a job or communicate with the neighbors. I get the feeling that she yells so loudly because she wants help. What can I do if the police won't get involved in it?
Answer Dear Sheila,
I certainly understand your concern, but the police are correct. Unless there is some law in your community that is different from most laws around the country, there is nothing they can do unless the victim presses charges. The unfortunate thing is, these women are so intimidated that they won't do that. He sounds as though he has done a pretty good job of controlling and manipulating the neighborhood as well as his own family.
This woman is totally controlled and she has children with no way to support them if she leaves. He has probably convinced her that she is worthless, couldn't take care of herself without him and she is scared to death of what he will do. Most of these women don't realize there is help out there, but you don't know what he has threatened to do. Often they will threaten to kill themselves if the wife leaves, or threaten to take the children, or kill the victim and make their life a living hell if they leave. He has successfully made her dependent on him, isolated her and she probably feels alone and very helpless. I can guarantee you that she also has no self esteem or sense of identity, which she needs to be able to stand up to him.
The first thing I would do is contact your local Women's Center or domestic violence organization and ask them if there are resources available to you and your neighbors. Secondly, I would check with child protective services and ask them what you can do if you suspect child abuse. If there is a small child in the home and there is that kind of violence going on, they may be able to step in and at least get the children out of there.
You might talk to the school counselor where the older boy goes to school and just clue them in on the situation. If counselors know or suspect child abuse, they are mandated to report. However, if the guy chooses to take retribution out on the child or his family because he got in trouble, that might be a problem as well. I say that because it is a possible consequence, however the only way to solve this problem is to face the consequences and somebody has to stand up and be the hero here.
If other people in the neighborhood are being challenged by this man, you might have a neighborhood meeting to see what you all as a group might be able to do. The ball is really in the wife's court, but if she knows there is a group of you who are willing to stand by her, help her and provide the support she needs to get out of there, it might be enough incentive for her to leave again. However, you all have to realize that she may decide to go back...women usually leave on the average of 7 times before they leave for good.
If you have a group willing to support her, or even if you are willing to support her, you may choose to go over to her house, sometime when he is gone and just quickly, but clearly tell her that you and many people in the neighborhood know what is going on. Don't ask her questions, just say, I know you are being beaten and I want you to know that should you decide to leave, myself, Mr. Smith and Mrs. Jones are willing to give you a place to stay or drive you to your parents home or take you to the women's shelter or whatever you decide to do. If you decide to leave, be sure to take your children's identification and their birth certificates. We want you to know we are here for you, do you have any questions? Then leave it at that. She may deny, but don't argue, just go with what you know, restate that there is help for her and her children and then that is all you can do. You may give her a way to contact you, whether it is through a note through the fence or a light in the window or whatever sign would work for her. Offer to contact her family or get a message to someone she trusts, but get the information at the time you are talking to her because it may be too dangerous for her to write a note and then have her husband find it.
One of the key things is that when the violence is happening, is the time and place to call the police...not the next day. If the police show up when he is beating her, at least they can calm down the situation.
Next, I would contact animal control and see if there is something that you can do to deal with the violence against the animal and if he has threatened you and/or your guests, you might check with the police about laws that deal with threatening behavior.
As a neighborhood group, you may have resources that you don't know about, such as contacts with attorneys or whatever, but it might be good to get together and just discuss the situation. Something good may come of that. If the police say this is a civil matter, find out what resources are available to you to handle it civilly.
I hope this has helped. Domestic violence is always an awful thing to deal with, but I'm glad to hear that you are not going to cower to his manipulative behaviors. The key to this though, and you have to understand this is you have to keep pursuing. If you try once and then don't follow through, nothing will change. That is why victims often don't see change...they may call the police, but then when they are called into court, they back off. You can't do that. So make a plan, and follow through.
If I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.
