AboutKriss Mitchell, M.Ed, LPC, CRC, CNHP Expertise I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.
Experience My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.
Organizations American Mental Health Counselors Association,
American Association of Christian Counselors,
International Association of Prayer Counselors
Publications The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal
Education/Credentials Licensed Professional Counselor,
Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor,
Certified Rehabilitation Counselor,
Certified Natural Health Professional
Question I've been with my boyfriend for 1+ yr by now. He's usually a really nice person when he's not emotional or worked up. But about 7 months ago, he started to get physical when we argue. Usually he would lift me up and throw me around, on the floor or against the couch. Or just presses me again the wall or bed while yelling and cursing me. I always try to fight back by scratching his arms so maybe he'll let go of me; I tried biting him too because I couldn't use either my arms or legs since he's just on top of me and wouldn't let go. Those fights always ended up me crying on the floor and all bruised up. My friends and co-workers all have asked me about those scary bruises but I always made up lies about it because I didn't want them to think any less of my boyfriend since I still want to be with him.
and 6 months ago, while we were fighting, he broke my head by throwing a glass at me. I was covered in blood and passed out for 10 seconds due to the loss of blood. We went to the hospital but I was afraid if I told the doctors/social worker the truth, they'll take away my boyfriend so I lied to them by saying I did it to myself. (I made up a good story about it). And just like after every other fights, we made up and he promised me nothing like this would ever happen again. I believed him and we continue the relationship.
And about 3 weeks ago, we found out that I was pregnant. I wasn't sure what to do about it but he told me if I decided to keep the baby, he'll leave me since he doesn't want a kid yet and he can't and won't pay for it no matter what. So I figured that if I want to stay with him, I better not think about keeping the child. And right before we went for the abortion, we got into an argument because I want him to get up to get the doctor's number so I can call her office. He got pissed and called me lazy, I got angry too because I was already feeling really bad about having the abortion. He once again, started to hit me. He threw me in bed and knocked my head against the wall for a good 40+ minutes. I threatened him I would call the police then he stopped and threatened me to leave me with the baby, he wouldn't care anymore. I started to cry and he started to comfort me and apologize and promised me he'll always be there and always take care of me once we get rid of the baby and he's sorry he hurt me he was just mad and yadda yadda. We still went to the doctor and had the abortion. And now 3 weeks later, last night we got into a fight again, he jumped up and started to yell at me. He grabbed my neck and threw me around, I tried to scratch him by my nails to fight back. It continued for almost 2 hours till he's too tired and he apologized again, telling me how he was just out of control, of course he loves me and wouldn't have the heart to do anything hurtful to me. I listened and we went to bed.
This morning I woke up and felt extremely upset (he left for work already), I couldn't believe what's going on with me. My arms and legs are all bruised up. Scratch marks on me everywhere. I'm starting to wonder if this is all too crazy and abnormal, and if it's time to do something about it. If I want to press charges against him, should I take pictures of my bruises? Should I call the police? But I fought back too so he has scratch marks and bite marks on him as well, would it be used against me? Can I get in trouble myself since I got physical too (but to defense myself/try to get him off me)?
what would be the best thing for me to do? He's a illegal immigrant here in America, will they deport him back to his country? I'm feel so helpless and don't know what to do. It'd be greatly appreciated if I can get some help and advice here. Thank you so much!
Answer Dear Ellie,
My question to you is why in the world are you staying in this relationship? Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you so horribly? It is violent and the kind of harm he is doing could easily kill you. It only takes 8 lbs of pressure around your neck for 11 seconds to kill you. Lying for him simply enables the behavior. Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in for the rest of your life? If not, you need to do something about it and quickly.
He has broken the law by assaulting you and battering you. You have simply defended yourself. If it were a stranger who did this to you, would there be a question regarding reporting him to the police and pressing charges? Yes, you should press charges, but if you do, you need to follow through and not drop the case when it gets tough.
Honestly Ellie, this isn't even a close call....you need to press charges, take pictures of your injuries, go to the emergency room or your primary care physician and document your injuries and then LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HE KILLS YOU! This IS NOT going to get any better. Batterers don't stop, they just get worse and they always apologize and say they aren't going to do it again...and then it happens again. You've been through the cycle of violence several times...it's always the same and it never stops. The only way to stop it is to get out.
If after reading this you still want to stay, my best advice is to go to your local women's center and get yourself some abuse counseling to help you understand why you don't care about yourself enough to leave a violent relationship like this. Love doesn't hurt and you should never have to trade your safety, respect and honor for a few hours or days of nice behavior. It's not OK and it never will be with this guy. He will NOT stop this.
I'm being very direct with you Ellie because this is very, very serious. Your life and/or your physical health is at stake. You could have a closed brain injury and not know it until you have a stroke. Then who will take care of you? Him? I don't think so.
I understand how hard it is, but you can get help, you can get out and you never have to see this guy again. You don't deserve what he is doing to you. I truly wish you well and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me again.
