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Domestic Violence/is this always going to happen? is this my fault?

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1.   Slammed my face onto the steering wheel (after I reached over and grabbed his throat) he thought I was flirting with his brother in law
2.   Burned a bible and ripped and tore up pictures of yogananda yukteswar etc (after I said I hoped he wouldn’t turn into a fundamental Christian)
3.   Hit the side of my head and put his hands on my shoulders hard and shook me (after I went into the bed where we were sleeping in his mother’s house and hit him cuz he wasn’t talking to me)
4.   Opened the bathroom door and pushed me around the house and shook me in cusco, hammered his wedding ring flat and tore up the nam myoho renge kyo beads (after I texted him negative things multiple times after he walked out on a fight and then ignored my calls)
5.   Shook me and shouted at me and kicked my feet out from under me and I feel and cut open my elbow against the kitchen counter in cusco (after I yelled really loud when he was complaining repeatedly about spinach spoiling in the refrigerator)
6.   Took money from my account without telling me (we were renting an apartment in miraflores so I would be more comfortable than living in san martin de porres and if we hadn’t been living there he would have had more money and wouldn’t have needed to take from me)
7.   Took money from my account for yoga, again without telling me (feel I was partly responsible by putting him in the situation of doing yoga)
Oh wait, I saved this list, forgetting to add what happened today in tarapoto:
8.   put his hands hard on my shoulders and left a small bruise, tore my shirt when I tried to walk away, threw me on the bed and choked me.  Told me to get out of the house that he was divorcing me and wanted to take away the key to his mom’s house to make sure I didn’t return there either. Yes I was afraid he was really going to hit my face or break my nose or throw against the wall (I didn’t want to serve soup for dinner and he didn’t want to either)
Seems like maybe the universe doesn’t want us to be together. Like this is going to keep happening and getting worse until one of just leaves and like it’s best not to tempt fate by trying to make things work. Wow I just couldn’t have seen this coming. I could feel our wills clash, hard. But when someone talks to me like they’re my father I’m not inclined to respond like I’m their daughter, meekly mildly and obediently. Well the other thing is that as a father, my husband is leaving his child aside, and I can’t be the fill-in daughter who pays for things when money is tight. I mean, in that situation who is the parent and who is the child?! I sit here without malice, maybe ready to see something I haven’t been willing to see, that this can’t work out. This is really unacceptable. This man doesn’t have control over himself.
Please god speak. Maybe you’ve already spoken (THEN I FOUND THIS WEBSITE AND I’M ASKINGI THIS QUESTION HERE…WHAT SHOULD I DO!?)

Answer
Hi Adele,

Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions. I am so sorry that you are experiencing physical and emotional abuse in your relationship. Your question of is this going to continue and the answer is YES. People as such usually never change. Their belief and world view is lopsided and they use anger toward others in response to their misconceptions of how the world turns.

Your second question of is this your fault and the answer is NO! You are not responsible for his world views and behaviors—he is. This is a choice for him to react with yelling, manipulation, stealing, and physical force which in turn gets others to conform to his idealistic expectations. The bottom line is when you don’t do as he expects, he reacts with aggression and anger.

Even though you have had some good times together, looking at the whole package is important to do for your safety and happiness. Living with constant fear of being hurt or when the next explosion is going to happen will affect your sense of safety and well-being. Learning to live with walking on eggshells will deeply affect your natural being, security and love for life.

Talking to you as if he was your father is another clue that he feels superior or believes his way is the only and right way without considering your viewpoint, needs and wants. There is no consideration for your way of thinking or way of being. People behave in this manner when they do NOT have control over themselves and then they seek control over others to compensate for this feeling of powerlessness. I hope you understand that this is who and what he is and he most likely will never change and you are living with potential serious danger.

I would recommend for you to contact a local domestic violence shelter to help you create a “safety plan” to keep yourself safe if you choose to leave this marriage. Here is a link to someone who may help you find a local resource and keep looking until you find someone who can help you:

http://www.peruviantimes.com/04/peru-plans-to-open-140-emergency-shelters-for-vi

Manipulation, lies, unfulfilled promises to change and violence will most likely continue and increase so planning carefully is important for your safety. Please take the necessary steps to keep youself safe and away from this type of abuse!

Just remember, this is NOT your fault that he acts in this manner and you have the power to remove yourself from this situation to create a happier life for yourself. You deserve to live with love, peace and joy! Be smart, be safe and seek the life that you want to live!

Please write again to let me know how you are doing. Much peace to you.

Coach Cathy,

Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education  

Domestic Violence

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Cathy Backlund, Life Coach in Abuse & Domestic Violence

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Are you feeling confused, angry, scared or hurt? Are you being yelled at, hit, threaten or told what to do? Do you worry or fear the safety of yourself, your family or pets? These are all signs of an abusive relationship, and I can help you determine if you are in an unhealthy or dangerous situation. No one deserves to live a life filled with fear, pain and abuse, and I am here to help you find ways for a better life--everyone deserves to live a life without fear and abuse. Your questions will be answered with honesty and respect. Please ask questions today to help you find better ways to live a more loving and happier life for you and your family. Let me help you!

Experience

I am a Certified Life Coach Specializing in Abuse and Domestic Violence.

Organizations
•SPARCC (Safe Place And Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •CAT (Sarasota Violence Prevention Community Action Team) •Washington State Coalition Against Domestic Violence •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Publications
Please visit my webpage for more information and articles about abusive relationships and domestic violence at www.lifecoachcathy.com or www.DomesticViolence-Education.

Education/Credentials
•B.S. from Evergreen State College, Olympia, WA •Core Competency Course from the Shelter for Abused Women and Children, Naples, Fl •Life Coach Training from Changepoint Coaching & Consulting Association •Advanced Training from The Institute for Relational Harm Reduction & Public Pathology Education •Sexual Violence Core Training from Florida Council Against Sexual Violence •High Risk Domestic Violence Training by Lundy Bancroft and Sarasota Police Department, Fl •Court Assistance Training from SPARCC (Safe Place and Rape Crisis Center), Sarasota, FL •Principles of Prevention by The Centers of Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) •Guardian Ad Litem 12th Judicial Circuit of Florida

Awards and Honors
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