The past seven years have been rough. My husband has a high stress job and I have been the one he takes his frustration out on for the duration. The words, the looks, the intimidation, and the occasional physical blows have broken me down. I feel as if I am barely breathing when I am around him. We have three children. My middle child has extreme learning disabilities which has definitely added stress to our marriage. The expense of the schools, tutors, and extras have been exorbinant. I am been hoping to be rescued for years. About six months ago, I put my foot down and made him move out. But I allowed a casual relationship I had with another man to blossom into a full blown affair. Of course my husband found out and I am now an adulterous whore who should be kissing his feet and begging for his forgiveness. I am incredibly sorry for betraying my family with an affair. My struggle is that I simply don't feel any different about my husband. The words, the looks, the feeling beat down while I'm around him...that is still there. He now insist that we move to another state because of the shame and humiliation from my affair. He cannot handle anymore of the reminders of my unfaithfulness. How can I wrap my brain around this, I am so broken down by the past and present actions, that I don't have any desire to go one mile don the road with him. Am I seeing this completely backwards? I'm so confused when he is speaking to me. When I am alone, I m confident and can see his manipulation, but the moment he begins talking to me about his pain, I loose myself. My pain is still there and his actions though they have changed, I have no confidence that is it real. I feel as if it is just a way to get what he wants. Lost and am I crazy?
Thank you for writing and asking these very good questions am very sorry that you are experiencing such events. High stress jobs can take its toll on people but there is NO excuse for using words, looks, intimidation or physical blows EVER on people just because a person is stressed. I am guessing that this has been happened for many years and has become a habit or way of life for him or maybe he has always been this way and you have learned to “put up” with it. Also, this type of communication can be harmful on children who witness such acts so protecting them from any further altercations is in the best interest of the children. Keeping yourself safe and your children safe from harm is right thing to do.
Having an affair is unfortunate at this time and seems to have given your husband extra “control” power that he is trying to use on you. Seeing his manipulation when you are alone is good and is helping you create a plan that will work for you. Getting some additional support from organizations who understand what you are going through will help you create that plan to move you forward to a happier life. You can call your county court house and ask for phone numbers of local women’s places that understand and deal with domestic abuse—there service is usually free of charge. The National Domestic Abuse Center’s website http://www.thehotline.org/
also can provide local places for you to call.
Seeking an attorney who understands abuse is also suggested for you to know your rights. Protecting yourself as you move forward is critical and getting support from others will help you get through this difficult time.
Just remember, you and your children deserve the very best in life and you have the power to make that happen. Calling these organizations and have them help you create a “safety plan” and a plan to move forward will help lift the burden of trying to do this by yourself. I know this is not easy but getting outside help will make it easier and provide with what you are looking for.
Please write again with any further questions and keeping yourself and your children safe from any further emotional or physical harm is your responsibility as a parent. You deserve love, joy and peace in life and so do your children.
Much peace to you,
Cathy Backlund, Life Coach, Specializing in Abusive Relationships and Domestic Violence Education