Domestic Violence/domestic violence

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Question
My husband is starting to be abusive choked me for the first time.. the argument started over something his family had started.. i am staying home wth our daughter she is 4 months... we started arguing about items he bought with our tax money.. i was tired of hearing his family concern themselves qith our fianances.. it is non of their buisness.. i started taking the items and said i will return it all do i dont have to hear it anymore.. we live with his family..they had all left.. while arguig he checked if anyonr was home.. we began arguig he tried taking the things from me wouldnt let me leave the room ripig the reciepts up i was pushng him awaybfrom me and asked him to leaave me alone.he then pushed me to the ground n the hallway picked me up and slammed me down.. am 5'2 135 pounds he is 6'4 245 r more pounds. He then kept being violent..  ran to the room he picked me up started pushng me agnst the wall yelling shaking me pulled m hair..then threw me n our bed..i then picked up out daughter he came at me again and tried to grab me and she screamed and i put her on the bed and started hitng him out of defense. Wasnt going to be violent but. Thought he hurt her and wanted to defend her.. the then picked me up by my neck and slammed me into the wall and edge of the bed. Ws pnned down..he then choked me out l.i begged him t stop he called me a fucking bitch and to shut te fuck up..i was teying to pry his hands loose but he kept choking me harder.. began t pass out becming weak...he stoped and picked up our daughter because she was screaming..i fell to the floor gasping for air... we will be married one year in may and together for two in july..i dated hom n highschool. He has never been this way.. when. Was pregnant he pushed me n the bed and called me a bitch.. this happened two days ago and he sad sorry and of coursedesnt want me t leave with our daughter.. he is n ghe process with immigration thats why. Didnt call the police. Grew up with no father.. dont want that fr mine...i was with an abuser before my husband no kids..but left him..now im scared. Dont know what to do..im afraid because i know it could happen again.. things are back to how they usually are im just hesitant..im stuck i dont k.ow what todo and im awy from my support systeym since we mved to another state

Answer
Dear Jackie,
I'm so sorry to hear this.  What a horrible experience.  The first thing you should have done was to call the police.  Press charges and let him sit in jail.  Don't back down.  Don't break restraining orders.  Choking is at the top of the violence scale so he doesn't have very far to escalate. It takes 11 lbs of pressure around your neck for 8 seconds to kill you.   

You may have grown up without a father, but its better to grow up that way than to grow up with an abusive father.  Your child has already been traumatized and will continue to be traumatized if she has to watch her mother and primary care giver being abused.

You must leave before he kills you or seriously injures you.  If you have to move to where your support system is then do that.  Contact them, ask them for help to get you back to where you need to be and then file for divorce.  There should be no going back to this person, especially if he is that violent.  It matters less that he has never done it before, he did it this time and will do it again.  He will tell you that he won't, but that isn't true.  The boundary has been crossed and it will be crossed again.  

I can't advise you in any other way.  Leave.  Leave now and take your daughter with you.  I am sure this is not what you want to hear, but the truth is the truth.  Go to your nearest women's shelter or domestic violence organization and ask for their assistance.  They can help.
I wish you the very best and if I can be of any further assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Domestic Violence

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP

Expertise

I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.

Experience

My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.

Organizations
American Mental Health Counselors Association, American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

Publications
I currently maintain a blog at www.livingwellcc.blogspot.com. I also have links and currently written articles on my website at www.livingwellcc.com. You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Education/Credentials
Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

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