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Domestic Violence/Domestic violence, is it? can it be cured?

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Question
Have been in domestic violence relationship since 4.5 years. He was verbally abusive, physically abusive but was sorry after everything. Sometimes he does not accepts what he has done.
How would you define Love in this case, as according to hi he loves me. He does care for me, I do see it.
He mistrusts me on one side, my parents and mistrusts evryone who is in my life. He is fine if I give him 100% attention. WHen I say the same as above he says no but his actions says.
Can a person who has been physically abusive stop being abusive ever? If he genuinely tries...meaning I try to on this relationship.....and I dnt give up.
About being physically abusive, with time he understands its wrong but he does not say that...thats what I feel

Answer
Hi Pri and thank you for your question.

I will answer your questions point by point because I think it's more easily understood that way.

1. He was sorry after the abuse. Really? If I abused someone in any way and saw that it was an ongoing trait of mine, I would try to find help so it wouldn't happen again. Pri, don't look at the apology but look at the action that brought about the apology.

2. He mistrusts you and everyone in your family. This is the most common trait of an abuser. They do this so they can isolate you from your family and those who care. This makes it easier to manipulate and control you. Don't ever let someone take you away from your family!

3. He's fine if he gets 100% of the attention. This sounds like a little spoiled brat around the age of four. Do you want a man as part of your life or this man-child? He needs to grow up!
In truth, he sounds disgusting.

4. If he understood physical abuse was wrong, he would stop and find a counselor to help him but not admitting that it's wrong is another typical trait of the abuser. They don't think it's wrong, Pri.

5. Can he stop being abusive? Statistics show no. It is learned behavior and if he had shown any sign of stopping there would be hope but all I read in your words is him not accepting blame and trust me, he isn't going to.

6. You don't give up. I think you should. Life is too short and why would you want to spend it with some immature guy that, given more time, will only ruin your future. He's already damaging your present life. God didn't intend for any of us to live like you have been. You deserve more and better but you have to realize that yourself. I would leave and stay with a friend or family member and refuse to see him or talk to him. You have to really cut it off or they are very capable of pulling you back in. Find a counselor and see them on a weekly basis. Find one that deals in domestic violence. If you don't know how, find a listing for your local battered women's shelter and they can guide you.

You were given a wonderful life to lead. Please don't let another person stop that from happening.

I wish you wisdom and peace.

Dianne

Domestic Violence

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Dianne Schwartz

Expertise

Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.

Experience

Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.

Organizations
Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.

Publications
This book was reviewed by The Library Journal

Awards and Honors
Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."

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