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Domestic Violence/will he change or am i just gullible??


Hi, I have been in this relationship for over a year. I just left him 2 weeks ago and signed a protection order in which he still calls me and stupid me, I've talked to him. He has done aweful things to me, choking, putting guns to my head, black eyes, busted my nose, all kinds of things. I have a 4 year old son also, not by him and he didn't want anything to do with my son and was mean to him, not physically but my son is scared of him. I know it sounds crazy but I am in a lot of ways in love with this man. He would threaten to kill me and my son if I left before, he was really paranoid always accusing me of things, I had to stay next to him 24/7. couldn't have any relationship with anyone including my mother. Ever since I left he didn't come try to kill me, instead he is painting this beautiful picture of what he wants with me, saying that he loves me more than anything and he wants to be a family and a father to my son. he says he will never put me through that again. I just want to mention that the whole year we've been together yes we've had our good times but there has always been violence. I feel so stupid and lonely and I miss him and want to believe him, but I in some ways know that it just can't be true that he can change like that in 2 weeks also. please give me advice.

Hi Maria,
Don't believe it.  There is no person on earth with this kind of behavior who could change in two weeks.   This is what the cycle of domestic violence looks like.  (If you would like a copy, just go to my website under library and download a copy)  There is a tension building time which leads up to the event.  After the event/explosion happens, there is a point where they come back and apologize, say they want to go to counseling, say they will never do it again.  Then there is a short honeymoon period if the victim gives in and the cycle begins again.  You have been through this cycle many times, I'm sure.  

Violent men have mental health issues, perhaps even personality disorders and they are not safe.  There is no way that you should be with him.  You do not want your son to learn to be abusive and that is what will happen if you have this man as a model for him.  Whether you love him or not, he is not safe for you to be around.  You are not a slave to your feelings.  I encourage you to be the woman and mother you need to be to make appropriate choices for yourself and your son.  After you leave someone there is always a grieving period and a period of adjustment.  Quit talking to him, let the law protect you from him.  Do whatever you have to do to keep him from connecting with you.  That is all he wants.  He knows if he can engage you, he can manipulate you.  One of your few defenses right now is to stay away from him.  Don't give it up.  He's not telling you the truth.  If he could change, he would have before he choked you, before he held a gun to your head and before he busted your nose.  That isn't love and if he says it is, he's wrong.  You don't need or want that kind of love.

If for no other reason than you would be putting your son in a terrible environment, do not go back to this man.  Please take a look at my blog and at my website.  There is good information there for you.  I wish you all the best and if I can be of any more assistance, please feel free to contact me.

Domestic Violence

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Kriss Mitchell, M.Ed, CRC, CNHP


I am able to answer questions with regard to problems that result from emotional abuse or physical abuse in both dating and marriage relationships. Having been in an abusive relationship for many years, I know first hand the feelings, the questions and the doubts we go through as we try to make decisions about our lives. Often victims of abuse have deep faith based concerns regarding staying in these kinds of relationships which I am able to address as well.


My background started as a victim of an emotionally abusive relationship as well as having family members who were victims of violence and physical abuse. I have gone on to become a professional counselor and I work with abused women.

American Mental Health Counselors Association, American Association of Christian Counselors, International Association of Prayer Counselors

I currently maintain a blog at I also have links and currently written articles on my website at You can also follow me on TWITTER @livingwellcc, or on facebook at Living Well Counseling and Consulting. My writings have appeared in The Good News Northwest and the North Idaho Business Journal

Licensed Professional Counselor, Board Certified Professional Christian Counselor, Certified Rehabilitation Counselor, Certified Natural Health Professional

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