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Domestic Violence/BABY AND I RECENTLY LEFT ABUSIVE PARTNER>>>

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firstly, let me say THANK YOU SO MUCH for having the courage to step into your lives mission and purpose! A standing ovation to you!
and for all you endured and faced...im on chapter 18 of "whose face is in the mirror?"
WOW! your story deserves an audience...you are truly a champion! :)
my deepest and sincerest heartfelt apology for the silent suffering...but you made it!
and now can help others...im sooooooooooo HAPPY FOR YOU!

i left my abusive partner november 2013...took my 9 month old and headed to my parents...was with him for almost 2 years and endured such terror behind closed doors..before, during and after pregnancy...

to share...
I've been pushed, shoved, sworn at profusely, degraded, labeled, criticized daily, judged, controlled...(what i wore, how i had my hair, why i wasn't dressing up "hot" for him, who i talked to, how i even spent my own money!, and if i sneezed, coughed or tooted...it was hell to pay! as it is un-lady like according to him)...

he would complain about everyone and everything...life was miserable for him...he hated his mother..and any female figure period...everyone was a "skank whore" in his eyes....even me...accusing me of leaving the apartment at night while he slept...

anything minor and trivial would "set him off"...and i didn't walk on "eggshells"...i walked on pins and needles!...i watched how i spoke to him, i edited myself constantly and if he was upset, i would do everything in my power to "please" him...including having sex with him even though i loathed the thought of him touching me that way...

was this the same man that saved me from my former abusive partner? the one who promised to love me like no one else on earth could?

a weekend church goer...
always quoting "bible verses"...
he was "saved" in 2008 (a former cocaine addict)...
he has a past criminal record with assault charges...
and now one pending as of september 2013 (not related to me)...

ive had my head smacked off of a car windshield a couple times...
plates, metal fastner, and other household objects thrown at my face...including THE BIBLE!...
while i was 3 months pregnant he smacked my head into the car seat buckle...
when i was 5 months pregnant he smacked my head off the picnic table...
after i gave birth...he wanted me to "resume" sex with him within 3 weeks!...(still with stitches)

looking back....the most terrifying moment was when i held my 2 month old son in my arms while he was punching my face...he also threw his knapsack at me, and the end of the strap ended up hitting the baby in his eye...he was already hysterical...my partner carried on with his fury, still trying to aim at me...pulling my hair...all while the baby was screaming still in my arms...

but none of that was the reason i left in november....
i think it truly dawned on me that there was no way he was ever going to admit he needed help and get it... the baby was in the bouncer...playing...frank started getting biligerant...and raising his voice and swearing at me in front of the baby...frank was laying on the couch...and as he lay there he threw the baby bottle at babys height...just missing him....yet he was aiming for me....as i was standing??? that was the day i left and have absolutely 0 urge to go back!

my concern now is baby's protection and safety from him...

frank use to freak out at night when baby woke up crying for milk, or a diaper change or just to be held... i can still hear him screaming and cursing and yelling, slamming doors, hitting walls saying: "shut that f**** baby up! i can't take this s*** anymore!!! he's torturing me! i need to sleep!!!!!"
yet i was the one getting up every night (in fear of he might handle the baby during one of his rage episodes)....i was the one without sleep....and super exhausted spending the day cleaning and taking care of the baby ,while he went out to the "gym" and worked out on his body...

oh there were moments...brief moments of his acts of kindness and apparent "love" for us...but those were only moments...
i spent my entire pregnancy in constant fear...
i believe that is why baby has behavioural issues...and defienitly due to the yelling, and cursing in front of the baby....

on one occasion...frank was pissed of at me...and at this point he had moved into the baby's room and the master bedroom became me and my sons room...and he came in all furious with me thinking i was "flirting" with his 22 year old son!...
in his fury he walked by the dresser next to the babes crib...looked at me...looked at the crib and knocked off the books and other personal affects i had onto of my dresser onto the baby crib...most of the things bounced off the canopy...but some things fell into his crib while he was sleeping and the baby woke up startled....

on another occasion...frank couldn't take hearing the baby anymore...
and he went into his bedroom at the time and grabbed him and brought him out into the living room... i went into the living room after him and he flipped at me and made me go back to bed...
the baby kept crying and crying for half an hour....
finally frank gave up... i stood in the hallway where i could see what was going on....he put the baby back in his crib and threw his blanket at his face....

my concern now is baby's protection and safety from him...

frank is demanding to have him sleep over and stay over the weekends...
i am NOT AT ALL COMFORTABLE with this period and i let him know this....
he is threatening to take me to court...
i never reported anything to police...
but there is plenty of witnesses who saw my injuries...and the lobby video tapes where most incidences ended up...
as well children's aid was called by someone saying they saw me with a black eye...
i denied it...but did tell them that i was constantly verbally /emotionally abused...
i have counsellors to back me up...
even a couple of people frank worked for that have witnessed franks rage...
his own mother is willing to testify against him...and wants nothing to do with him as he is known to abuse the women in his life...frank was exposed to his fathers violence against his mother...even in the womb...

im in no immediate danger...but i want to restrain him from contacting me or having the baby over as he wishes...

for a time, while he was playing the "amicable" friend...the baby and i would go over and stay a couple of hours here and there...but in mid febuary...while his older son was over...
frank lost it...and started in on me in the bedroom where i was changing the baby...

since then we no longer go over to the apartment...I REFUSE....

he is only able to see the baby in public...and even that wracks my nerves....

i picked up an application for custody, but want a lawyer to stand by me in this process...
i found someone i thought was going to work well together...but she hasn't returned my calls for 2 weeks and i feel like everything is stalled....

i want to call children's aid back and let them no i hadn't disclosed all information...so they can add everything on file, and document it in case this went to court... kneed all the support i can get... frank is sly,  said he will use whatever he can against me to his advantage so i don't get custody...
he is really believable when he conjures up fabricated stories...

I'm scared...paralyzed...dont know what to do at this point...

just finding a lawyer is taking forever...
and i don't want to wait too much longer in case he makes this get ugly...

i guess this is where i wanted to start...

there is NO WAY IN HELL I'm going back to that mad man!!! EVER!!! he still to this day tries to "coax" me into meeting him for dinner and "talking things over" to find a "positive solution"

what are your thoughts? please share...
thank you Dianne :)

Answer
Hi Ana,

Take every bullet, arrow, knife and rock...whatever you have to prove violence toward you and jeopardizing your baby's safety, and throw them all at him (legally) with hopes that one, if not all, will hit the target. Use everything you have as proof of his rage to keep your son safe.

Don't be scared. You've done nothing wrong. These guys depend on our fear to stop us. Don't let that happen. He says he's going to prove you are an unfit mother? Let him try. Don't talk to him. If you don't speak to him, he can't play his mind games. Whatever excuse he uses to get you to meet him for any reason is a game. It's also a way to see where you stand and what you're up to. Don't talk to him. This personality is skilled in making women crazy and then, telling them they are wrong. Don't talk to him! Don't answer accusations or threats that are texted, mailed or voice mail. This is how they suck us back into the trap. Someone has to end this nightmare and it's going to have to be you.

Call your local shelter and ask them for the name of an attorney who is experienced in domestic violence. Don't give up and don't let fear rule you. Believe that right is on your side. Our thoughts govern how our life is going to be fulfilled so stay positive.

And...if you need to talk more, feel free to contact me again. Hang in there and stay strong! I'm with you in spirit.

Dianne

Domestic Violence

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Dianne Schwartz

Expertise

Relationship, self-love, domestic violence, personal and spiritual growth, self-examination to define the reasons we have pulled unhealthy people into our lives and how to end this destructive practice.

Experience

Author of, "Whose Face is in the Mirror?" One woman's journey through the nightmare of domestic violence to true healing. Website for battered women and non-profit organization that assists victims of abuse.

Organizations
Domestic violence director of The Peace at Home Program. Court approved trainer and speaker on domestic abuse.

Publications
This book was reviewed by The Library Journal

Awards and Honors
Book was chosen as Hay House Publishing "Book of the Year."

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